Several witnesses and Portland city officials were shocked when creative director for the well respected nonprofit organization Portland City Art (.org) was photographed in public with his alleged twin brother Twinky Simmins Graeter, a known fugitive and Anarchist of the Arts. Though John has been suspected for remaining in close contact with Twinky over the last few years no one in the art community has had solid evidence that the two were in cahoots until now.

What does this mean for Portland City Art, and the artists that it represents? The community website and resource arena was established to connect local creatives with arenas and audiences for their work in several venues within the Portland area, and the news that the newly christened figurehead is conspiring with Dirt Wing Extremists to undermine the efforts of his organization, and in fact, disconnect creatives and their audiences, has many reeling in disbelief.

Chris Haberman, former creative director and founder of Portland City Art (.org), was not available for questioning, but his sudden separation from the very organization he started has sparked rumors for weeks. When confronted with photographs and other proof of this deep rooted conspiracy, which may or may not extend all the way to City Hall, Portland City Art (.org) affiliated venues and their owners are beginning to question whether water is, in fact, wet. Artists stood by John, dismissing Chris Haberman’s choice to move on from the nonprofit as a personal one involving dysfunctional eating habits and questionable family distractions. According to local sources Chris was literally eating himself out of house and home, and food stamps, a steady welfare check, and a ring of midget “milk feeders”, was not enough to sustain his lifestyle, and well, it was time for this non-profiteer to focus on making some real money. Some “boo coo bucks”.

Charlie Alan Kraft, a once binding thread in the fabric of the Portland art scene, had this to say: “Man, I think I need a bra. These beers are weighing me down topside.”

John Graeter, a long time supporter of the arts and painter himself, was well known for cracking jokes after a few martinis about his uncanny resemblance to his brother while stroking his beard singing “I’m gonna grow this bitch ass hair, I’m gonna grow it, Boom! Boom! Boom! Curly, curly, cocoa mon.” John’s art touched many people here in Portland as well as….? Well, here in Portland, for sure. The Rose City’s art scene is literally torn in half today with one side mourning their betrayal at the hands of our city’s greatest scribbler (John Graeter likes to scribble), while another half clenches their ass cheeks in rage over the deceit and lies spread through this wonderful community. How that tears them in half, this writer has no idea. It actually sounds like they are on the same page, but that’s Portland for you.

Questions do remain, however, will Graeter continue to pursue art here in Portland? Will Twinky Graeter disappear again leaving us all in fear for our lives? Will John end his charade of lies and hang up his secret identities?  With all the secrets out, his “twin brother” Twinky, his well groomed man of daylight disguise Ships Donavon (who was recently found prowling local middle schools enlisting children for his art in residence programs), the entire cast of characters that can all be traced back to one megalomaniac man in the moon mirror, John Graeter, what will come of the artists that rely on his organization for strategic wall placement? Only time will tell. As more details come in, we here at Portland City Art (.com) are committed to bringing you the latest, the Graetest, and all the news in between. At least until the cease and desist letters from the Mayor’s bloodhounds actually hold up in court, or Chris Haberman finds a hitman in our fair city willing to work for Cheese Puffs to take us down. Until then, fair citizens, rest easy and keep your eye out for creepy bearded guys with glasses made to see right through you. It just might be John Graeter, aka The Real Life Riddler.

Even though you are all a bunch of morons, we decided (from the beginning) that the best thing for everyone involved in the Portland art scene is to allow ANYONE and EVERYONE to write for us. That is why we have always been open to the public. All you have to do is register, and walla, you can write articles. Some of you figured that out from the beginning, but many of you have not have figured it out, and instead incessantly whine about what is written. If you have always wanted to write for a website that gets traffic every day without even trying, follow these simple steps:

1. click ‘register’

2. register

3. write a damn article already

We won’t edit you, censor you, or kick you out. Seriously. Enjoy, Portland. It’s not that hard.

Editor-in-Chief
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