Good evening, Portland! Salvia Darling here, coming to you live from the side of the Willamette River. I would tell you which side, but as heartache starts to become a widespread epidemic amongst my young, female anchor-groupies, I have set my cloaking device to engage.
This just in! the Mayor could stand to lose some weight! The Mayor was spotted recently at a Jenny Craig seminar, and was thought to be there to rally support in the overweight female community, [censored by Salvia] Adams-haters. Just before this photo was taken, he asked the Ladies of Craig if his pants made him look fat, to which they unanimously laughed and [censored by Salvia]. I know it looks like those are his hands on his hips, but if you look close you can tell it’s actually flabby hip-meat protruding upwards. If you look really close you can see the fishing wire. Looks like somebody’s been using the elevator!
This just in! Portland Police carry guns! On Monday, March 22nd, Portland police shot an unidentified white man (sic) to death. (for those of you that need further explanation of such a fantastic event, he was homeless) Apparently, the man was [censored by Salvia] and [censored by Salvia] people at Washington Park, and when officers arrived he approached them with a razor blade, cutting his own [censored by Salvia]. The tragic thing is, a homeless guy finally gets his hands on a shaving device, and the cops shoot him for it. This is an example of Portland’s impenetrable class system at work, hey homeless guys, the powers that be in this fair city would like you to stay in your [censored by Salvia] and keep washing those windshields. Put down your razor blades, and your bars of soap. You will always be second class citizens in the Rose City. Get used to it, or get shot several times.
This just in! Caligula was an interesting person! This just in! Corey Haim was also an interesting person! Inside joke, but who isn’t interesting in this day and age? We all have camera crews following us around, we all have hair and makeup people taking care of our appearance. We have press secretaries, personal assistants, bodyguards, producers ringing the phone off the hook day and night… Underage groupies ready to bang. No wait, that’s just me.
This just in! Salvia Darling has five teenage chicks to bang tonight and only two rubbers! You do the math, people. Do I keep using the first one until it breaks, and then go with the backup, or do I bareback the three that seem the most clean, and hope for a timely pullout? Think of it like a story problem, what’s the answer to Salvia’s riddle Portland?