Welcome to another edition of “Argh, Debatey!” the oped column where we take a controversial question, two fueding pirate guys, and one black powder pistol to see who comes out on top.
This week’s question was selected by Katherine Bixby of Eugene, OR. Katherine is a full time college student, but not at U of O. Whoever can correctly guess the name of her school in the comments below wins a t-shirt.
Katherine asks “What is your favorite color?”
That be a fine inquiry, dear lass. I have always favoured green, although I could certainly make a case fer blue as well.
Ahoy! Ye must be mad from slobberin’ thick Spaniard cock! Not blue and green be thee best! Nothing but black! After black nothing else!
I respect ye opinion, matey, but I don’t be knowin’ that black qualifies as a color. I was taught that black be th’ absence ‘o light.
Arrr! We be not here to discuss lighting or qualifications, we were asked for colour! Can I not paint yer house black? Can I not don a black sweater while raping yer clan? Can ye not use a black dildo on yer grandmother’s arse? Thee answer to each of these questions is a resounding Aye! Certainly black colour, be the color of only the dreadest of the sea captains!
I hear what ye be sayin’, particularly th’ passive aggressive threats involvin’ sexual misconduct wit’ me family, but I must respond wit’ some valuable information from Crayola in which it be stated that “while artists consider black a color, scientists do not”. If ye take a moment to consider their position rationally, I believe ye will be arrivin’ at th’ same conclusion as all ‘o th’ greatest minds on th’ planet. Black be simply not a color. Perhaps ye might be interested in Navy Blue? I could spy wit’ ye eye th’ merit in choosin’ that color as th’ best.
Fool! Now look here, lather ye! I’ll not be entertainin’ another minute ‘o yer bilge! Admit that black color be best or prepare fer thee forced penetration ‘o me cannons rustiest!
Thar be no need fer such speak, jolly matey. Put away ye cannons. If black it must be, then black it shall be. thar be no need fer bloodshed.
Well shave me belly wit’ a rusty razor! Well now be off ‘n do it! Thee only thin’ we can stand less than bright colours be a coward who can’t stand his land! Ye be off aft to yer objection ‘o me choice! I warn thee, recant or the number ‘o holes in yer hull will be filled wit’ sperm at thee same the hour!
I… I don’t understand… Do ye want black? Green? I be so confounded, respectfully ‘o course.
Fool! ARGH! Respect to be taken by force, not by invertebrates such as yourself! Take it aft, or ye be thrown aft in thee womb ‘o yer dear ol’ mum along wit’ a sword ‘o dynamite!
Blue? Can we just shout blue? Black? Green? Any color ye want. Gold, how ’bout all ‘o me gold? Here, take it, all ‘o it!
No quarter! I have never seen such a display ‘o wretched piratin’ in all me years! nay! nay! be off away! What kind ‘o scurvy sea monster be ye?
’tis yours, please don’t hurt me! I be beggin’ ye! I do whatever ye want, I suck ye dick!
Shiver me timbers! Unhand me ye jellyfish! It was not I spent thee best years ‘o me life rapin’ ‘n pillagin’ me aft off just to return to thee land lubbers to be subject ‘o ridicule! Unhand me wench ye, ‘n let me finish ’tis debate as a scurvy sea monster!
No… No… Jim? Jim? be ye thar Jim?
Why won’t ye speak to me, Jim! ’tis me, first mate Tony. Please, Jim, I gunna do whatever ye want! Don’t ye leave me!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! *sob* *sob*
Well, there you have it. Black is officially the favorite color. Better luck next time, Tony! Now remember, anyone who can guess what Katherine’s current school is in the comments below wins a tee shirt. Good luck!