Argh, Debatey! Favorite Color Edition

Welcome to another edition of “Argh, Debatey!” the oped column where we take a controversial question, two fueding pirate guys, and one black powder pistol to see who comes out on top. This week’s question was selected by Katherine Bixby of Eugene, OR. Katherine is a full time college student, but not at U of O. Whoever can correctly guess the name of her school in the comments below wins... more

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The only thing worse than a Nazi is a vegetarian.

Brothers and sisters of the ethical way, I know that we can all agree that meat-eaters, even the so-called ethical omnivore or localvore, are sadistic death mongers, deserving of hatred and ridicule. And while these people are certainly the Hitlers of our time, I actually want to write today about a group of people who are even worse than serial murderers who call themselves omnivores. I’m talking, of course, about... more

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Heavy Water: a Tragic Tale of Seduction in the Vocal Styling of Patrick Stewart

Body hotter no need to bother with Estée Lauder™ heavy water. Name dropper serial stalker phone number swapper heavy water. Flower shopper dinner and movie proper another glass of wine for the lady? heavy water. Hungry like Donner for your vagina locker time to Frogger heavy water. Bone you harder than your father gasm stronger heavy water. Lamb to slaughter womb marauder in your daughter heavy water. Pillow talker frequent... more

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Fraternity Guidance Counselor Spotlight

Like a lot of Americans, I went through a rough time when the recession hit four years ago. At that particular time in my life, I was enjoying the fruits of my Ivy League education and my well-connected family members by working on Wall Street as a successful financial analyst, but then tragedy struck. I lost my job during the banking crisis, and after that I was forced to make... more

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Focus on Dicks: An Exclusive Interview With L. Wolf, the King of Inappropriate Art

In 2011, Dirty Treat Publishing set out to discover the World’s Most Inappropriate Drawing. A call was put out to artists around the world:  send us your filthiest, your most wretched, your most inappropriate black and white drawings. The judges had no way of knowing how deep down the hole of inappropriate visuals the artists would go, but they were certain that when they saw Denver-based artist, L. Wolf’s “Kiss... more

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Top 5 Reasons I’m not a lesbian

After I finally kicked my meth habit and divorced that ratfuck, Tan Peluski, a lot of ladies have been coming on to me in the check out line at the cigarette outlet store. Don’t get me wrong, I love tuna as much as the next bitch, but I’m not prepared to go chick’n of the sea for good, if you know what I’m sayin’. Believe me, I’ve thought about it.... more

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John from Cincinatti: Fat Girl Jokes are More Popular Than Ever

Dear Editor, Did you know many companies within your vertical are currently advertising under the term (fat girl jokes) and it’s costing them about (0.62) per click? Why not capitalize on the keyword match and drive organic traffic to your site? [ robot: you are severely overestimating our “vertical” ] I’ve decided to sell the domain, which is closely related to your keyword. [ robot: that must have been... more

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Occupy Portland… Poof! GONE!

Poof! Oh hey, hope I didn’t just scare you appearing out of a sudden cloud of smoke like I just did. I’d say it won’t happen again, but that would be a lie. Here, watch… I won’t surprise you again. Poof! Now I’m gone! Poof! Now I’m back! See, I can’t help myself. Forget that, though, I came to do a magic trick. Who’s ready??? Life is going good… Poof!... more

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C.O.C.K. G.A.G. Brings Portland Artists and Animal Rights Together

In the world of animal rights, no organization has done more for the plight of non-human animals than C.O.C.K. (Compassion Over Cruelty and Killing). As the world’s most perfect and pure vegan, I only support non-profit organizations whose message is for animal rights not animal welfare. If you don’t know the difference, then you’re probably the type of asshole who puts bacon on a veggie burger. The good people at... more

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