Blockbuster Artist Trade Finalized! Elliott Sends Kraft to Haberman in Exchange for Sincere Compliment

(l to r) Steve Elliott, a career slacker whose most notable achievement as an artist was selling a painting for 100 beers; Charlie Alan Kraft, self-proclaimed “wildman” and creator of the How to Paint Like Famous Artists instructional videos; Chris Haberman, sleazy used car salesman artist, sells over 1,000 paintings a year and still qualifies for food stamps.

The Portland art scene was rudely awakened from a Pabst Blue Ribbon induced slumber early this morning by a shocking development that has insiders scratching their heads in disbelief: Steve Elliott has traded Charlie Alan Kraft to Chris Haberman in exchange for one sincere compliment. The Bad News Bears are no more.

Inspired by the recent Philadelphia Eagles trade of superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins for a draft pick, Elliott felt it was time for a change as well.

“That Eagles trade was like the writing on the wall for me. If they can send a guy who is arguably 100% responsible for their long run of success to a hated, bitter rival, well, why not send Charlie over to Chris? I wouldn’t say he has been a good friend, or even that he will be missed, but he has been a great guy to brainstorm with, bounce ideas off of…

“Nah, really we just hung around on barstools burning through our unemployment checks together. He’s played a huge part in the non-success of Portland City Art (.com), and it won’t be the same without him, for sure. No matter how bad you fuck things up, you can’t help but feel good about yourself when he’s around. Still, though, as the Eagles demonstrated, sometimes you just have to shake things up and start over. I think he will do more harm than good for Haberman, in the long run, and by the end of the year I think you will see that it was a pretty smart fuckin’ move. Who else can say they’ve received a sincere compliment from Habe?”

Charlie Alan Kraft, a founding member of Portland City Art (.com), issued the following statement:

“You know, Steve is a smart guy and everything, and he bought me a lot of beers in the past few years, but I gotta admit, I’m looking forward to getting out of this whole false negativity thing, and getting back to Haberman’s brand of false positivity. I mean, it’s all bullshit right? Might as well make it sound good. Not to mention, there is always plenty of food to go around with Chris. The only time Steve ever fed me, I was sick with food poisoning for a week.”

Chris Haberman, founder of Portland City Art (.org), was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, but a key insider from Team Haberman (who asked to remain anonymous) filled us in on the biggest mystery of all: What was the compliment that Elliott received in exchange for Kraft?

“Chris told Steve straight up that he really liked the way he wore slacks. There was direct eye contact, it was for real.”

So how will this trade shape the Portland art scene in the coming months? Will Haberman and Kraft be able to put the last few years of venomous animosity behind them and break bean burritos together? Will Elliott be able to find a new conspirator crazy enough to help him realize his plans of working without doing any work, and/or pissing everyone off? Only time will tell, but for now, keep your browser tuned to Portland City Art (.com) for all the latest, greatest, and most heinous happenings in the world of Portland art.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

5 Responses to “Blockbuster Artist Trade Finalized! Elliott Sends Kraft to Haberman in Exchange for Sincere Compliment”

  1. Marian Adcock said:

    Reading this article is like watching two mangy street dogs fighting over a turd.

  2. Tan Peluski said:

    Ex-wife number FIVE, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, now, Marian Berry, I don’t need a reminder of how your breasts looked the morning after our wedding, the only time I was ever in Mexico and regretted NOT drinking the water. Oh!

  3. Chris said:

    Be careful thinking ouside the box, you may not want back in.

  4. Minor Sam said:

    That is the strangest veiled non-threat I’ve ever heard. If you don’t want to be in the box, wouldn’t being on the outside be the best place for you?

  5. Cameron Dingo said:

    I myself don’t care for the sleazy car salesman fellow. Chris Haberman I believe is his monicker. The guy is hands down the biggest douchebag out there. I’m sure it’s either the fact that he goes the extra mile to make people think he’s gay or the fact that he shits on all the people that actually never kiss his ass. Just admit you’re gay and your false engagement with your arm candy is a sham. You lost whatever “passion” you put into your art years ago. You claim the term artist/curator but you don’t actually do anything. You get all these free studio spaces and put on these shows without actually getting paid or selling barely any of your daycare inspired paintings. I’m sure by now everyone knows the history of Portland and no one likes paintings of little known cross dressers or homeless poets. Go back to your old job for fuck’s sake.

Leave a Reply