Local Portland artist Matthew Haggett… or is it Haggerty?… What was I saying? Oh right, Matthew Haggett has mutant babies! His mutant children were found nestled together with their siblings in a box found on the corner of North Williams and Prescott street in NE Portland.
Witnesses found the box early Sunday morning covered tightly with a thick wool blanket. One witness heard yelping and tiny voices pleading for help and as they lifted the blanket they were astonished with what they found.
Local authorities were called to the scene after several 911 phone calls regarding abandoned children. At first nobody had any idea where the freak babies came from, but according to experts, evidence suggested that their beards were very recently manicured. “Haggerty, famous for his obsessive compulsive meticulous beard trimming, not to mention his romantic flings with non-humans, is the obvious suspect. Once we were able to get a match on his DNA and some fibers left in the babies’ beards, we had our man.”
Haggett was unavailable for comment, but if we could ask him one question it would be this: Matthew, why didn’t you just leave them at a hospital or fire station??? Perhaps we will never know.