Seriously, Tan here to talk about my liver, no really my liver and how it felt after I drank myself silly just to finish Matt Stangel’s article on the prettiest walls in Portland. prettiest walls? Matt the prettiest walls in Portland are in your bedroom painted with our love. Oh seriously. After that poor first paragraph where you regurgitated very little actually information about the Portland/Clear channel law suit It was clear I was in for a literal masterpiece. Really now I stopped to take a look at a photo of my ex wife then realized she was pictured in the photo of the mural at the beggining of your article. Oh seriously she is looking great! Waning sign code era? Wow! My ex wife waned but only when we had sex, Seriously. So with unfiortunate dispair ahead of me I printed out your article at Kinkos and followed your Mural walk through the city. Unbelievable! I found myself now where near the path your article was supposed to send me on, Seriously I must have been drunk! Really I was! After realized your article was becoming a pain in my kidneys I tossed it some guys yard on Belmont and headed for the nearest urgent care, I needed some pain medicine, seriously that painting of my ex wife was really getting to me. Really now nice article, can I have a heart attack now please! Seriously! Where those the only murals in Portland you could find or were those just murals of people you hadn’t bent over for recently and were looking for some brown star points for mentioning their names. Seriously my ex wife gets a brown star but not from me… Seriously she loves it. What is a brown star? Seriously what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Matt Stengal’s mural walk of the prettiest walls in Portland? This ones easy! Seriously just think a bit longer… Keep thinking.. O.k. fine, seriously ” A fat guy wishing he had never walked around looking at all of Matt’s pretty walls cause now he is tired and bored.” Seriously, there are a lot more murals out , good one’s too! Oh seriously and they are not all in SE.. Check out Chris Gayberman’s I mean Haberman’s and Jennifer mercedes on Alberta street at Francis restaurant, 2338 NE Alberta. How about Tom Kramer’s mural on NE williams and Shaver. How about work Klutch has done on the garage door of the Poy Boy art studio/frame shop and the garage door across the street from them. Seriously though I havre to take a dump, your article is goign to make great toilet paper when I am finished. Tan peluski is out of the office and headed on another adventure, really now not with my ex wife. Seriously .. o.k.. really, seriously this is it.. I’m finished.. no really… Matt Stengal like’s Jessie reno’s pubic hair, seriously… No that was joke.. really now…
Seriously, poke me with a semi hard object in the you know what! Oh really now Homos are great! I love to play with my penis! Seriously I’m like a Homosexual. The only thing better then being Homosexual is being Bisexual, seriously you get some poking and you get to poke. Hey what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a queer? A fat chick! Oh really now go Homosexuality it’s great!
Hey folks! Man About Town here, and dear God my liver is killing me. Despite my doctor’s threats of violence if I leave my bed today, I am sitting here with none other than Portland’s own John Wray, an amazing artist and one of pinball’s true heros. This is one guy you don’t want to miss out on talking to, even when your piss is coming out purple and your kidneys have climbed into your upper back. Seriously, though, John is a man of many talents and even more beards! OK, whoa there, John, just kidding… just one beard. Seriously, now, Portland is on a need-to-know basis here, and there is plenty they need to know about art. So let’s get the skinny… and speaking of skinny, my ex-wife was not it… while some women like to wear moo-moos, she would just moo. Seriously, though!
Question: So what’s with the skulls? And I don’t mean the band! Oh!
Answer: Don’t know… I can’t get them out of my head.
Q: Great answer! Ironically enough, I can’t get my ex-wife out my head, despite the fact she never even gave me any! In all seriousness, though, what are your thoughts on the artistic endeavors of the new Rambo movie?
A: I haven’t seen the new Rambo movie not that I wouldn’t watch it.
Q: Nice! Can’t tell you how much I wish I had never seen my ex-wife! Oh, but seriously, I’m still paying the optimologist… That’s actually the truth! Speaking of which, John, boxers or briefs?
Q: Fabulous! My good friend Art loves those, says they help with his… second thought, let’s not get into that. Love the guy, but he has the tendency to show off the wares, if you know what I mean. Never understood why they have those flaps in the front, but seriously, though, how does it feel to have a name that rhymes with John Gay?
A: [John gets very serious.] You repeat that and we’ll have to go outside…
Q: John, my good man, we don’t have to be outside to be together! Only joking! Seriously, though, how do you feel about Sam Adams and what he has done for the Portland art scene?
A: I don’t know what Sam Adams does for the Portland art scene, he’s never bought one of my paintings.
Q: Unbelievable! I guess the skulls and roses thing isn’t as up his alley as, say, the Little League posters he’s got his living room wallpapered with. Seriously, though, speaking of up his alley, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with an underage bowling league? Sam Adams huffing bowling shoes like they were paint thinner! Seriously though, not that you’re 17, John, but do you find mayor Sam Adams attractive?
A: No. His hair is always messy, though, and I know for a fact that a friend of mine just cut it for him today.
Q: Really? Do you have a lot of hot, 17-year-old, male friends? Only kidding, my ex-wife was actually one of the above, but if I told you which I’d be violating a restraining order. Seriously, though, what advice do you have for up-and-coming artists?
A: Paint as much art as you can.
Q: Speaking of painting, your dad was a long standing member of ZZ Top. Are you a Sharp Dressed Man, yes or no?
A: [John laughs for the first time.] No.
Q: You’re kidding! I owe Art some money on that one, for real now… Since we’re on the subject of music, John, tell me… Does every rose really have it’s thorn?
A: Many. They’re very large and can stab you.
Q: Wow! Here I was thinking that Poison exaggerated the ratio of roses to thorns, but apparently each flower has at least one prick. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with my last ex-wife? At least two pricks! Seriously, though, John… Are you a member of the NRA?
A: I plead the fifth.
Q: Me too, but only when I’m broke and standing out front of the liquor store. Please, kind sir, could you spare a fifth? Seriously, though, wonderful to meet you, John Wray, and before I beg you for a drink is there anything else you would like to let people in Portland know?
A: Crazy Flipper Fingers RULE, all others SUCK!!!
Not to disagree with you but my ex-wife would only suck while I’m at work. I’m only kidding… Seriously, though, we covered quite a bit! Check out www.crazyflipperfingers.com, John Wray, artist and pinball genius, it has been my pleasure to discuss so many things with you today. If you will please excuse me I have a fifth waiting in the car, and I’m not talking about vodka, I’m talking about my fifth wife! Seriously, though, make that soon-to-be-ex-wife, I just saw her lawyer’s car pull up. What do you get when you cross a fat guy with my ability to maintain a marriage? Just a fat guy! Oh! I wish it weren’t true, no, but seriously, though, now that I look at the woman in question I take that back. I don’t even need a pen, I’ll sign the papers with tears of joy! Take half my liver while you’re at it, all it’s doing is weighing me down! Seriously, though, take care my friends! Lend me your livers!
Man About Town
Art: Pleasure to work with you, Tan. Your swollen red nose and beer stained shirt precede you. Our subject today is rather simpleton, we have been asked to critique a John Motley article from the Portland Mercury, a darling little publication worth its’ weight in soiled bedsheets. In it he praises the collaborative installation, Approximate, currently disturbing those unfortunate enough to find themselves scurrying the hallways of galleryHOMELAND. I believe I will let you have the floor, Tan, as this sort of thing deserves your brand of commentary.
Tan: Well thank you, Art. Nice to actually see your face, although I think I still prefer the back of your head! Seriously, though, it’s time to talk some art. Who’s buying my next shot? Seriously, folks, make that a shot and a beer. Speaking of shots, have you heard the one about the fat guy?
Art: Have you heard of a thesaurus?
Tan: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with the world’s most intelligent man? Smart food, oh! I have been touched by an anus! Seriously, though…
Art: The article…
Tan: Yeah, so John Motley… the Crue called, they don’t need another drummer, give it up already! Seriously, though, your drumming can’t be any worse than your writing, maybe they will get tired of Tommy Lee constantly bringing in tons of hot famous chicks and give you a shot. Speaking of shots…
Art: What is your take on Motley’s article, Tan?
Tan: Of course, after reading the article my best piece of advice for him is this: quit your day job! Seriously, though, I hope your drumming is better than your writing. As far as this whole TILT Export, roving trash compactor gallery thing goes… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a failing Portland gallery? A failing gallery that closed and still does shows in other galleries!
Art: Your keen wit pales in comparison to your unearthly ability to consume liquor.
Tan: Seriously, though, great work, Motley. The more I drink the more I like it. Speaking of sex with my last ex-wife, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with the Portland Mercury? A circulation of over 40,000! Seriously, folks, I am drunk, and I think this installation thing that Damien Gilley and Ethan Rose put together is incredible. Looks like special ed is finally paying dividends. What do you get when you cross a fat guy and a short bus? You get boxes made out of masking tape that get smaller. Reminds me of another ex-wife, except I had to tape her box open and it never got smaller! I’m only kidding…
Art: I’m buying you another shot for that one.
Tan: Architectural blueprints really do wonders for a gallery wall, I just wish I had some for my ex-wife. I’d be hot, hard, and single! Seriously, though, unless you’re drunk or three years old, avoid the galleryHOMELAND and get back to your Master’s degree in masking tape. Only joking… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a Master’s degree? An educated guy that still can’t find his penis!
Art: I believe there is little point in continuing this. We have already given enough publicity and time to such a dire waste of non-talent. Now, Tan, if you will do the honor…
Tan: Sure thing, your majesty! This has been Visual Fart Review, Art Floyd and Tan Zeppelin signing out.
Question: How does it feel to be teaching children the building blocks for the most unsuccessful and unnecessary career in the world?
Answer: Great, asshole.
Q: I’m only kidding. Seriously, though… so you’re teaching our kids to be losers?
Q: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a bunch of suburban art students?
A: I don’t know… Is this a real interview?
Q: Coffee Workers: the Next Generation! Seriously, though. Captain Jean-Luc Picasso of the Starbucks Enterprise! The zingers, they just come to me. But seriously, what do you teach our kids to do with art?
A: Teach them to have fun, express themselves and be free.
Q: If you really wanted to be helpful, you’d teach them how to work a cash register!
A: You are a jerk!
Q: Do any of these kids have talent?
A: I am done, please leave.
Q: Show me an artist in Portland with talent, and I’ll show you a female orgasm! Seriously, though, speaking of orgasms, have you slept with any of your students?
A: No! What is wrong with you?
Q: I majored in art! Only kidding. You remind me of my last ex-wife. Seven years of marriage, my penis spent the whole time on the side of a milk carton! Oh, that’s rich! Seriously, though, what is your favorite thing to do with art?
A: I like to make art, what the hell do you think?!
Q: I’ll tell you what I think, Art’s hot, I made him too. No, seriously, I shouldn’t joke about Art, he is a wonderful human being that I have never seen naked. He only likes it with his clothes on! Seriously, though, did you see that birth mark he has just under his left butt cheek or was it all from behind?
A: Close the door on your way out.
Q: Tough crowd! OK, seriously though, one last question. Who’s your favorite artist?
Witty answer. Well, thanks for your time, there can’t be much left on your biological clock! Joking, but seriously now… The only mystery left unsolved is what you get when you cross a fat guy with an angsty art teacher? I have no idea, but that art teacher needs to get her hands on some wood, if you know what I mean! Seriously, though, I need a drink you buying?
Man About Town
Hi, I’m Tan Peluski. My friends call me Melanin. I’m only kidding, you can call me anything you want as long as you’re buying. Seriously though, folks, if I had a dime for every time I said something that wasn’t funny, I’d owe you five bucks. Seriously though, welcome to my column. Why don’t we get started?
People are always asking me, “Man About Town, who is the most successful artist in Portland?” to which I reply, “Successful artist in Portland?” I only kid, I’m sure there are several artists in Portland who can afford to pay for sex. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a paintbrush? One serious stomachache!
So what is the big fuss about Last Thursday? I’ll tell you what I did last Thursday. I had a rubber glove hanging out of my winker and a doctor was telling me bad news. “Tan,” he says, “your cholesterol is through the roof, your blood pressure is off the charts, and I could swear I was just wearing a watch.” Seriously though, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a cardboard box? One serious stomachache!
Another question I get all the time, “Tan, where is the best place to buy art in Portland?” to which I reply, “The Home Shopping Network!” I’m telling you, art in Portland? I used to know a guy named Art, he had no arms, no legs and was always hanging on the wall. Didn’t live in Portland, though. Why do you think all of the art openings serve booze? So people will show up! Seriously, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with green shoes? Green turds! Come on, say it with me now… One serious stomachache!
Folks, I am Tan Peluski, your Man About Town. Feel free to send me your comments and questions regarding Portland’s Art Scene, and I will do my best to work them into future columns. I hate to say goodbye, but the pizza guy just pulled up. Speaking of pull-ups, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a box of diapers? A toilet that finally works again!