A few days ago I was asked to be a periodic columnist on a new up and coming website that introspectively relays information about the happenings of art in the city of Portland, Oregon. With respect to the geographical location of these columns and my reader audience, I as a professional writer (though adorned several times over with masters degrees in fields of personal interest, keynote speaker at several hundred amazingly successful seminars, infinite array of magazines and newspapers I work for covering every subject matter known to man) promise to keep my artistic, creative and intellectual Genius under severe restraint so that you may hope to understand.
I will refrain from the use of words such as exceptional, probability or reoccurrence in any of my writings. Most of all I will always keep in mind that Portland is a simple town with simple ideas, and that no one wants to interrupt their perfect flow of mediocrity with anything a tad more smart. Besides, I am well aware that as an artist or just a public shmo you have already spent most of your day drinking cheap beer and smoking weed so making your head hurt with large confusing (whoops, did it right there!) with large hard to get words is simply not very nice. I have even made a list that I will keep in front of me to help me understand your adorable Portland Phonics (whoops!) Portland Lingo. I will focus on sharing with you my immense (my “bad”!) big wisdom on a level that you will comprehend (damn! again!) I mean so you can get it! Let us then start this column off on the right foot. I hope a little explanation (damn!) description (shit!) I mean a little… um… blurb about myself has helped, so now let us talk art.
Portland art is fine, but if you want to be famous (and in this case a famous artist in Portland) you will need my help. Guess what? No I will not mail you an ounce of weed. No! I am not starting a non-profit. What you need are ideas!!! Brilliant ideas!!! You know the things in your head that you have for just a moment but cannot remember what they were after the second drag on your joint or that third beer? Well, I am going to give them to you. A huge list of ideas, a cheat sheet if you will. Something you can look to when those ideas you had are forgotten. Reading my column will bring you happiness, you will have something to create in-between your drum circle, after your food co-op meeting, and right before you spend the five dollars you made washing dishes at the bar for a pack of smokes. Everything you need will be right here. So do not worry, when that flash of genius comes to you and you want to leave the bar or your local community garden to go paint that multi-colored portrait of you as an angst little girl you won’t have to because you can keep doing what you are doing and be rest assured (whoops!) feel O.K. That you can come home, curl up by your electric heater, read my column, and have the kind of ideas that only famous artists would have. Ideas that when they are done properly will make you famous here in Portland, Oregon.
I know, that was a lot to take in, so let us make it simple. O.K. Here it is… Idea number one for artists in Portland to be famous or already famous artists to get even more famous. Paint something on recycled material. OH MY GOD! I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I JUST GAVE THAT AWAY! Yes! Recycled material! Find some wood, paper, a sign, a bed, a bum’s penis, a dead bird, some string, a bottle, an adult diaper, a TV… Anything you can pick up that has room to make something on use it!!! In Portland, that will make you a famous artist!