Things That are Hard

THIS JUST IN! Being an artist is hard. I’m talking to you guys out there, you “Art [censored by Salvia]” that are always carrying on about how things are not [censored by Salvia] or [censored by Salvia]. You are right, but if you think [censored by Salvia] as an artist is hard, check out the next incoming bulletin.

THIS JUST IN! Life is hard. So yes, you are special because you like to [censored by Salvia] around being [censored by Salvia] and acting [censored by Salvia]. Oh, poor me, I’m an artist and I can’t pay my rent. I can’t find a job. Guess what, [censored by Salvia], check out where I’m working!!! Nowhere!!! I ain’t gettin’ paid for this!!! This is free media, [censored by Salvia], I can say whatever I want and so can you! That’s not hard, but life sure as hell is!

THIS JUST IN! Art in Portland is on the rise. I almost choked on my [censored by Salvia] when I saw this headline. Guess who else was surprised? NOBODY. How could Art in Portland go any direction but up? I suppose if it had a [censored by Salvia] it could [censored by Salvia] its’ way to the center of the Earth, but we’re talking about Art in Portland. It’s in the sub-basement of the [censored by Salvia] building, people. Yes, it’s on the rise. It’s always going to be on the rise. Where do you go from rock bottom? Up, you snapperheads. Up!

THIS JUST IN! Sam Adams is still Mayor. The committee that formed to kick Mayor Adams out of office was completely unsuccessful. As a source at told one of our reporters: “As many of you [censored by Salvia] read in the news we came so very close to getting a recall election. I need each of you to know that all of our hard [censored by Salvia] this hot summer impressed [censored by Salvia], to the point that a group of [censored by Salvia] are now coming forward to create an [censored by Salvia] for professional campaign management and [censored by Salvia] signature gathers to work with [censored by Salvia] to reset the [censored by Salvia] on Sam Adams.” Hey, this just in, people, he’s the Mayor. It’s too late. Stop voting for someone and then [censored by Salvia] about it when you find out they are [censored by Salvia] later. He’s a politician. It’s his job to lie. If anything, next time vote for someone that is [censored by Salvia]. Vote for Tan Peluski!

Sobering Thoughts

Wow, folks. The Man About Town got hit hard this morning. Got a phone call from the doctor. Seems old Tanus Peluski here is exactly one shot of whiskey short of a brain hemorrhage. “The next drop will kill you instantly,” is the way he put it. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but whiskey is the blood of Christ in my book. I don’t even have a book. Been doing this drunken journalism thing for a long, long time. Not a thing to show for it. Not even a computer to type this on. I’m writing it down on a sheet of photocopy paper that I stole from Kinko’s, sorry, FedEx Office. Paper that is still slightly damp from my tears and a brief moment of phlegm.

She was 74, had the heart of a gorilla, and a shrill laugh like a harpy. That was my first ex-wife, and I was 30 years her junior. Made a man out of me, that is, made me pay for everything without promise of sex. My first non-whore. I learned a few things the hard way, folks. Being married to her was a lot like having a pair of barely-working kidneys. Every time it hurts when I pee, I think of her. In other words, every time I pee. In addition to unexplained rashes, doctor assisted heart attacks, and brown teeth, she also introduced me to whiskey. Old Crow was her brand. Still, though, sitting here having sober thoughts, I realize that it was not her fault I became a drunk. It was whoever invented whiskey’s fault.

Then again, my Doctor has been wrong before. He said I’d never have another erection once, and wallah! Viagra! Now I just need to wait for the Viagra of drinking problems. Here’s what apparently qualifies as quality health care these days for those of us without considerate employers.

Me: Hey, Doc, here’s my wallet. Please take everything I have, and bill me for more in a few weeks.

Doc: Drop the trousers and show me your ass.

Me: Seriously?

Doc: Don’t worry, I’m wearing a glove.

Me: Mother of Mary, I think you put it in too far!

Doc: Stop moving around!

Me: This is rape, you know, rape! Won’t you at least hold me?

Doc: Whoomp, there it is!

Me: I can taste your hand on my tongue.

Doc: Peluski, you can never drink whiskey again.

Me: Say it ain’t so, doc!

Doc: The next drop will kill you instantly!

Me: Does your finger really need to still be up my ass for this conversation?

Please, anyone that is out there listening. Tan Peluski can not go on without whiskey. Might as well just give up right now! But, see, the Man About Town is calling out for a miracle. Please, someone, anyone out there. If you are smart and good with chemicals, please dear god invent a pill that will let me drink whiskey again! I’m begging you, I swear on everything I hold dear and sacred that if I could just drink whiskey again I will change my ways as a person. I will stop marrying and divorcing twice a year, I will settle down, have some kids, maybe finish that book I never have time to write. Tell the whole world what’s going on, break it down for them. Oh, sweet Jesus, I swear it, I’ll run for Portland Mayor if you don’t give me back my whiskey! I’ll make life miserable for everyone! Give me whiskey, and I will leave the people out of it. Tan the Tomorrow Man Peluski for Mayor of Portland. You don’t want that, but I’m here to give it to you.

You can avoid all of this by inventing a blue (or other colored) pill that allows me to drink whiskey without meeting my own death. Otherwise: Vote for Tan. This is not a threat, this is a negotiation. You do not want any more of this sober Tan Peluski thing. Just trust me, you like me better as a drunken failure, help me be that again. I don’t want to have to win the mayorial race against Sam Adams next year. That will be a lot of work. Actually, it probably wouldn’t be that much work. Whiskey. Whiskey. Give me my whiskey. Or I will give you my best. Thank you, and God Bless.

Art Beat with Lewis and Elmo

Lewis: Hi there, gang, I’m sitting here with Madrid artist Manolo Ferrari. He has done lots of cool paintings. Me and Elmo really love his use of color, isn’t that right, buddy?

Elmo: Elmo loves red!

Lewis: I bet you do, little friend. So let’s get this thing started.

Elmo: Elmo was born ready!

Manolo: Hello from Madrid, friend!

[robot: follow the link at the end of this article for a bad translation back into English courtesy of Yahoo! Babel Fish translator, or just click here to skip the Spanish altogether]

Lewis: Hola mi amigo. Primero quisiera decir, sus pinturas me doy una erección. ¿Cómo eso le hace la sensación?

Manolo: Hace me la sensación muy buena. Las erecciones no están como frecuentes para mí, sino agradables sin embargo.

Elmo: ¡Mi pene es brillante y rojo!

Lewis: ¿Cuántas veces usted sumerge su erección en el agua cuando usted pinta?

Manolo: Muchas veces. ¿Agua es la sangre de este universo, por qué yo no sumergiría mi erección en ésa lo más a menudo posible?

Lewis: ¿Estoy particularmente interesado en saber si las opciones del color que usted utiliza en sus pinturas, combinadas con el agua que sumerge, tienen cualquier efecto sobre cuánto tiempo, duro, y palpitando sus erecciones conviértase?

Manolo: Muchas veces.

Elmo: ¡Martillo que palpita!

Manolo: Tengo gusto del pequeño hombre peludo. Quizás él sentiría mejor debajo de mis bolas.

Elmo: ¡Amores de Elmo debajo de bolas!

Lewis: Si puede ser que sea como en negrilla en cuanto a sugiero algo con respecto a su técnica, mi estimado hombre, sería ésta. La energía y el vigor de sus erecciones juegan lo más ciertamente posible hacia fuera en la lona como un cuerno poderoso del rinoceronte que hace el amor la próstata a un canario, pero en mi experiencia, las erecciones con circunferencia algo que distancia tienden a ganar hacia fuera en el I’ d tiene gusto de frotar mi cara en esa competencia. ¿Usted tiene gusto de frotar mi cara en su erección?

Manolo: Si puedo tener el pequeño hombre borroso debajo de mis bolas, su deseo es mi deseo.

Elmo: ¡Dios, amo maricas!

Lewis: Toma el martillo en su mano peluda y la pone suavemente en su boca.

Elmo: ¿Dientes? ¡Ningunos dientes!

Lewis: Los amantes barbudos disimulaban a sus marineros en mi poder de amor de la tenencia para mi cara mientras que las erecciones despidieron del sol y de todas sus hijas. El paseo de la esperma que la gran onda de marea del chowder llenó de la carne del bebé hasta que salpicara sobre la grieta de mi disco del pelo de la puerta de atrás y emergiera victorioso en la belleza y el deseo de pegarlo en mi asno.

Elmo: ¡Cójalo en mí usted cerdo!

Manolo: Oh estimado, aparece que he dejado una marca de resbalón en su pequeño juguete rojo del bebé. Quizás usted puede ser que quiera funcionar eso a través de la colada, no, pero no todavía. Primero debo esperar la erección cuyo el mucho dar una palmada de su cara se deja para ser hecho.

Elmo: ¡Golpéeme en la carne de la marioneta con su martillo glorioso!

Lewis: La cuadrilla bien, nos ensambla la vez próxima en que Elmo y yo forzamos a bebés de las bolas de la mordaza abajo sin los dientes, mientras que hace las acuarelas con sus pequeños pies gordos del bebé por todas partes mi saco melenudo de bolas.

Elmo: ¡Muerda en mí difícilmente, campesino!

Continue on to the Yahoo! Babel Fish translation of this article (Spanish to English)  >>

Fieden and that Fennedy guy that retired……

Fieden & Fennedy!!!! Oh seriously I’m having a pancretic reaction……….  Someone call a nurse!!! Really now Andy Warhol died a long time ago right? Seriously so did Steve Rubell…. Right? No They live on in Dan wieden’s dreams with Califunya!!!! Wow! It should’ve been named Califuckya! I would watch it then!!!!!!! Really I would…. It’d be nice! A great american romaniticism about fucking in the 21st century…. Hey my ex wife and I did that for  like 45 seconds…….. It was well, not romantic and no one has seen the videos but for a small price I’ll send them to ya…….. Seriously The WW ( Wilamette Week) just printed an article that well, seriously either made this ad firm look cool or full of a bunch of waisted money they could give to me… Oh! seriously!!! Come on Wieden and Kennedy I know you bought a piece of work from Chris Haberman….. Either you like getting your buttox licked or you just enjoy bad paintings on wood overlooked by 40 bottles either full of piss or beer!!!! Now that’s art!!!!Seriously!!!! It reminds me of your new endeavor, the radio/talent show/my dog just crapped on the floor broadcast…. Were you really going for that? Seriously my ex wife craps like my dog and I could have done your whole show for a six pack and some pain meds…… Oh really now!!!!!! This idea sucks…… Wish I had half a mill to give lame ass graduate creative gurus to stand a round and poop in a toilet all day….. Guess what!!!! They’d probebly find a way to deficate an image of my ex wife!!!! Seriously now that’s art!!!! Or maybe a Possum.!!!! If you want real talent how about checking out the streets for some amazing artists and creative types you can’t afford!!! Oh really now you can’t afford them that’s why……. Seriously I can’t wait to see your bad Partidge Familly sitcom fall into my ex wives crotch!!!!! seriously it’s huge…. Sorry you’re so good you lost those great big accounts… Seriously Dan wieden keep it up… Really now Califagaya… Hey what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Califunya? Falifagya!!!!!! lol!!!!! Seriously not really but that was funny……

Love ya!!!,



Folks! Ladies! Soon to be Ex-Wives!!! Oh! Seriously now I AM SO EXCITED! Not only because I am half way into a liter of vodka but because I have been working very hard on my new painting for the holidays…. Seriously from the most recent article here on the website you know I was recently attacked by cops. The incident along with earphones fro mthe porn shop melting to my head gave me some sort of seriously,? revalation….. Seriously what ever you call it. So I was dreaming and this painting popped in my head of myself meeting the indians as a pilgrim…. So as a lay out though the painting is not finished, seriously this is what happens…. I am standing in peril, meeting chief ” Too Many Beers “! He comes with is soon ” Drinks too much ” and his other ” Blows a lot”. They are followed in the sky by Conan the barbarian the most Native of them all…. The wind blows and I can feel the possum by my side, “Your animal spirit is strong with you.” the chief says. I say hey “My ex wife was strong with me.” “How!” his son blows a lot says. “How? How what? Seriously never ask me that question again. Really now my ex wife and just did it you don’t want details…..” I replied. His son then said ” How, Tan!”…”Seriously.” I said. So I told them I was hungry and I had come from a place that did not allow me to pretend god existed so I swam here with my posssum and now I am starving….. They then gave me a turkey and some corn (I haven’t colored that in yet!). I thanked them for their generosity and handed them some stuff from Europe… As a white man I felt obligated to share on this day at least one thing that would secure my place in this new world but seriously I gave ’em two!!!!!!! So I hand them a blanket with small pox and a bottle of the devil’s water and guess what!!! Like years later they are almost all dead but there are a few that start this thing called casinos on the land my government stole from them but they happened to whine their way into keeping…. Seriously the best dream and what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Happy Thanks Giving? Fappy Fanks Fiving!!!


Fat Cobra Video Incident Report

Edited by the Sheriff’s Department of [COUNTY WITHHELD].
Names of the officers have been removed as they are pending an investigation.

At 6:30am on Tuesday, November 17th 2009 police officers arrived to the scene of Fat Cobra Video in [CITY WITHHELD]. One crazed and visibily intoxicated Tan Peluski was outside alternating between screaming and crying, but became more coherent the closer they came. The officers noticed that he had something that looked like headphones melted to the sides of his head.

“Somebody owes me a drink, seriously. These fucking headphones are melted to my fucking ears!” crazy old Peluski yelled at them. “I can’t hear shit!” He was waving his arms frantically and stomping around, all while balancing a Jack and Coke near his face at all times which he sipped on anytime his mouth wasn’t busy yelling or breathing. One officer moved behind the animated Peluski, to catch him in case he were to lose his balance, or be tackled.

“Sir, now if you would please calm down. Let’s get this thing straightened out here.” The second officer remained calm, while the first had Peluski flanked but was giving off a friendly vibe. Peluski threw his drink at the officer talking, and then turned to spit in the other officer’s eyes before lunging at him with the razor-sharp claws of a professional wild man.

“Make the music stop!” Claw, claw, slash slash. The officer’s face was quickly littered with tiny incisions that would never heal properly, considering the type of filth and bacteria likely to be found populating freely across the vast surfaces of Peluski’s nail system. “Get the tubas out of my head!” He attacked like a ferret, although his claws looked more like the ones you’d see on a possum. “My ex-wife couldn’t give worse head than this shit! Turn it off!”

Officer number one (or was it number two), finally shook off the Jack and Coke and pulled his taser. Whether he knew what would happen after shooting Peluski with the taser remains to be seen. Fact of the matter is, though, Peluski and officer number two (or one) got tasered together, as they were adjoined by the very conductive claws growing out of his fingers and digging into the other’s face. With the combination of rain and spilled drinks, apparently the ground was wet enough that the taser’s effects boomeranged across to incapacitate the officer that fired it as well.

Both officers were knocked out cold. When they awoke, Peluski was gone. All that was left of the decrepid lunatic was a message carved in the face of officer one (or two). It said: “FOTCHA!”

“There is probably going to be a manhunt,” Commissioner Trout speculated. “Nobody gets away with that in my city, cutting up somebody’s face with filthy fingernails. That shit was infected the moment it happened. I mean, we have to clamp down on that, is all I’m saying. At the same time, though, we don’t have a lot of money in the budget for big city-wide manhunts, so we’ll probably just send a couple of the guys that are close to retirement out to the local bars to see if they can dig up any information on his whereabouts. That’s kind of a long explanation, though, so let’s just stick with ‘manhunt’. There is probably going to be one.” The Commissioner has said nothing since that public address.

The following day, a google search was performed on the word: “FOTCHA!”, and it has thusfar yielded no clue as to what caused Tan Peluski to go stark raving mad. Perhaps it will always be a mystery, or perhaps the city will decide to make it a priority and bring the fugitive in. Clearly the man needs our help, but for now it looks like he will be roaming free, and maybe or not, there will be a couple of old, washed up detectives, getting drunk in bars hot on his trail. What does any of this mean? We have no fucking idea.

Gay Mayor Into Decorative Art

THIS JUST IN! Portland curators have plenty of art to choose from. In the wake of our great nation’s economic [censored by Salvia], more and more people have turned to their creative talents (or lack-there-of) looking to make a buck. The market in Portland has become so [censored by Salvia] with artists and their wares, [censored by Salvia] such as Ben Pink have turned to unconventional methods to select their [censored by Salvia] artists. An anonymous curator had this to say: “I tend to make my decision based on how well I know the artist in question. If I never met them, that’s a definite no. If we are good friends, that’s a definite maybe. Anyone in between, well, that just has to do with how well they [censored by Salvia].” Then he rode off into the sunset wearing his pink unitard on his pink unicycle.

THIS JUST IN! Rain in the forecast for Portland. Several [censored by Salvia] artists were caught unprepared for the unexpected change in weather over the weekend. Artist Jon Graeter was particularly pissed off after water fell onto the [censored by Salvia] that he was in the middle of stenciling a [censored by Salvia] pattern onto. No amount of [censored by Salvia] corrugated cardboard and shopping cart parts could [censored by Salvia] his [censored by Salvia] masterpiece. “My [censored by Salvia] are ruined! What is this, fucking Waterworld? Do I have gills?” Well, Jon, if track marks also allow you to breathe underwater, then yes, you have gills.

THIS JUST IN! Gay mayor is into decorative art. In a shocking development, [censored by Salvia] mayor Sam [censored by Salvia] has declared himself to be “a fan of art and artists, especially those that decorate”. He was even spotted during [censored by Salvia] period making out with a high school senior whose call to art is creating sculptures from orally polished doorknobs. Perhaps the most influential gay man of our time, [censored by Salvia], gave me his thoughts on this hot topic, and the [censored by Salvia] had this to say: “What a fucking pussy!”

THIS JUST IN! Charlie Alan Kraft took a shower. In preparation for the upcoming holidays, the Kraft family (which consists of [censored by Salvia], a dirty sock, and Mayor McCheese) has decided to finally let Portland artist Charlie Alan Kraft eat at the Big Kid’s Table (BKT). Kraft has been waiting on the BKT list for over 15 years now–since his 18th birthday–due to concerns about Charlie’s [censored by Salvia] hygiene habits. Last week, however, in a [censored by Salvia] haze, Charlie Alan Kraft [censored by Salvia] and fell into the shower, bumped his [censored by Salvia] on the water controls, and was [censored by Salvia] touched by water. A still unidentified [censored by Salvia] ran into the room and accosted him with soap and [censored by Salvia] before Kraft was able to regain his [censored by Salvia]. The dirty sock had this to say: “I think it’s great that he showered and everything, but as far as I’m concerned, Thanksgiving is [censored by Salvia].”

Facebook: Poof!

Oh, poof!

Hey there, did you see that magic trick?  Suddenly I just appeared! I’m Merle the Magnificent and I do magic tricks. Like check this one out.

Poof! You are no longer my friend! Poof! Neither is he. Poof! Neither is she. Poof! All those nice things I said about you are gone. Poof! Now you’re d-d-deaf. Poof! B-b-blind. Poof! M-m-mute. Poof! Facebook is gone, as though it were never there. Poof! Free porn appears in its’ place. Poof! My hands are no longer typing. Poof! My cigar is in your mouth. Poof! You can taste my breath on it. Poof! Something spilled all over my shorts. Poof! I am going to take a nap. Poof! Poof! Poooooooof!

All-Time Favorite Foods

Dudes, I am seriously huge. Check out them titties. You know you like them. Glowing orbs of hot man flabber. Don’t stand too close, unless you want to have an orgasm. Shit, crowds of people part like the Red Sea when I pass. I am a fucking stallion when it comes to eating stuff. Shit, a Big Gulp is like a Baby Splash for me. My urine tastes like Cheetos. Speaking of eating, here’s my picks for the best food products of 2009 (in no particular order).

  • Jelly Donuts
  • Cheetos
  • Cocoa Krispies
  • Mike Fields
  • Raw Sewage
  • Disco Balls
  • Coke Zero
  • Monday Night Football
  • Shooting Missiles at the Moon
  • Fake Toenails
  • Charlie Alan Kraft’s Bowl Stains
  • Peanut Butter and Jelly (hold the sandwich)
  • Farts
  • Bean Pies
  • Dr. Pepper (after it shoots out your nose)
  • Famous Amos’ Chocolate Chip Cookies
  • Fuckin’ French Fries
  • Two Dollar Bills
  • That Last X-Men Movie
  • Ben Pink, and the Hobble Horse He Rode In On
  • The Month of October
  • Salami
  • Jews
  • Bleeding Wounds
  • Wiener Dogs

The absolute best thing in the world to eat, though??? (drumroll)