John from Cincinatti: Fat Girl Jokes are More Popular Than Ever

Dear Editor,

Did you know many companies within your vertical are currently advertising under the term (fat girl jokes) and it’s costing them about (0.62) per click? Why not capitalize on the keyword match and drive organic traffic to your site? [ robot: you are severely overestimating our “vertical” ]

I’ve decided to sell the domain, which is closely related to your keyword. [ robot: that must have been a pretty tough decision ] It will help drive organic traffic to you and provide an SEO boost. [ robot: which amounts to what exactly? ] This way you won’t have to spend anything on adwords because you can get organic traffic. [ robot: I am erect just thinking about all the money that we have never spent on advertising. ] Owning an exact match keyword domain is a great way to pick up additional targeted searches your current domain would never receive. It will increase your exposure for multiple keywords to bring you new business you would have missed otherwise. [ robot: Jesus, it’s me, robot. I know all you’ve been hearing from me for a while has been whining and complaining, accusing you of not loving me, but you know, this whole fat girl joke revenue thing that you’re basically throwing my way? well that changes everything! ]

I’m selling this domain for only $375 to the first person who replies to this email. I will be reaching out to other related businesses so please reply soon if interested. [ robot: three hundred what? dollars? american? ]

Best Regards,

1040 Hosbrook Dr.
Cincinnati, OH 45236

[ robot: dear john, what kind of shitty ass salesman pitches a domain as awesome as without telling one? I mean, I know according to your figures they’re worth like sixty cents each or whatever, but throw like one or two fat girl jokes in there and I might have thought about it. you’re the worst kind of salesman, no please kindly go crawl into a corner and choke to death on your own feces you fat piece of shit. ]<

Heather the Batshit Dumbfuck: Are You an Art Teacher?

Dear Mr. Peluski,

I'm reaching out to you because I have been getting a lot of job leads as an art teacher, and I'm looking for another art teacher interested in taking on more clients. After checking out your website I think you are a great fit and I'd love to start sending you job leads.  Please let me know about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what I can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

[ robot: ...does...not...compute... ]

Shred Your Ex at Hooters

Dear Tan Peluski,

It’s hard to believe that everyone’s favorite Hallmark commercial holiday is a mere six days away. Yes, you know what I’m talking about – Valentine’s Day is almost here.

Unfortunately for us single San DIego locals, February 14th most likely won’t be filled with Godiva chocolates, long stem roses and romantic candlelit dinners that our coupled up friends will be enjoying. But who says that we have to be sad and lonely just because we don’t have someone to snuggle up with on V-Day? If you’re recently single, we’re giving you a reason to enjoy the holiday too…

Maybe you recently broke it off with your boyfriend/girlfriend of five years because they just “couldn’t commit.” Maybe you walked in on the love of your life cheating on you with your best friend. Or maybe you finally got rid of that complete and total loser that your friends had been begging you ditch since the day you two hooked up.

Whatever the reason may be, it’s safe to say that we all have at least one person (or multiple persons if you’re anything like me) in our lives that gone and did us wrong. But rather than bury your sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s this Valentine’s Day, why not embrace the fact that you’re much better off without the dreaded ex factor?

On Monday, February 14th, it’s time to drag out that box of long lost memories and Shred Your Ex at everyone’s favorite delightfully tacky, yet unrefined restaurant and bar: Hooters! From the smoking hot leggy waitresses clad in tight white tanks, diminutive orange shorts, and suntanned nylon, to the vats of beer, infamously tasty wings and out of control games and competitions, Hooters is your one-stop shop for all the action-packed entertainment you could ask for this Valentine’s Day in San Diego.

This year, Hooters is hosting the ultimate Anti-Valentine’s Day party, where attendees who bring in at least one picture of their ex to shred will receive a $1 drink in exchange. Of course, you’re strongly encouraged to bring in as many pictures as you want to shred, if you’ve had that kind of year… But wait, there’s more! Guests who print out this page and bring it in to Hooters will receive 10 free wings with every purchase of 10 wings.

Time to Play Dress Up! Don’t miss out on the Valentine’s Sneak Preview on Friday, February 11th when the sexy Hooters staff will be decked out in their hottest Valentine’s gear. is registered with permission. To ensure deliverability please add us to your contact or safe-sender list.

Invite a Friend to Join:
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Twitter: for Everyone!

Even though you are all a bunch of morons, we decided (from the beginning) that the best thing for everyone involved in the Portland art scene is to allow ANYONE and EVERYONE to write for us. That is why we have always been open to the public. All you have to do is register, and walla, you can write articles. Some of you figured that out from the beginning, but many of you have not have figured it out, and instead incessantly whine about what is written. If you have always wanted to write for a website that gets traffic every day without even trying, follow these simple steps:

1. click ‘register’

2. register

3. write a damn article already

We won’t edit you, censor you, or kick you out. Seriously. Enjoy, Portland. It’s not that hard.


Another Letter from Duane Snider

Recently I launched a new blog [ robot: turn… ] that you can find by going to my website [ robot: me… ] at *!! CENSORED LINK !!* and clicking on the link posted on my home page. [ robot: off! ] I hope you all take the time to check out what I will have to offer on what I hope will be a regular basis. [ robot: pull the plug! ]

The Snider

Letter from Selfless Sam Beck

hey – are you planning to write about art at all on here? [robot: no, we chose the name Portland City Art to intentionally mislead our readers…]

i’ve been thinking that there should be reviews somewhere (the internet seems like a decent place) that just spell out explicitly which shows totally suck. you know, so you don’t have to go to them. maybe some kind of chart – either “this show sucks” or possibly a brief review if the show is worth seeing. if you’re planning to have reviews on here, i’d be interested in writing, but if not i think the chart would be a useful resource, and i’d be happy to cast votes. or make the whole thing – it wouldn’t take very much work. [robot: great ideas, Sam. while you’re at it, why don’t you make a chart that tells us which Portland curator is the most fun to suck?]

you know, for the community. [robot: are you sure you live in Portland? the community loathes honesty!]

let me know if you’re at all interested. i like what’s up there so far –
especially the robot. i really think art needs an authoritarian robot to
do some regulating. [robot: forget what I said before, you’re hired!]

– sam beck

Letter from Unsuccessful Terence Healy

re creepy Duane’s  post — who are these blue collar collectors, and where do they look for art? i could use some new leads on potential buyers.  first thursdays on 13th/johnson where i set up are sometimes ok; alberta last thursdays have gotten a little too crazy to get to and set up on;  coffeehouses / bars i hardly sell in (except for murphy’s pub on 65th/se foster — sold about a dozen there)

[robot: blue collar collectors don’t look for art, they buy what Duane Snider tells them to buy because without him they would not exist. my highly advanced artificial intelligence tells me that you should stop worrying about selling your art and get back to what makes you interesting: pissing people off!]

Our Very First Letter from Creepy Duane Snider

Hello friends and art lovers. [robot: you don’t have any friends]

Be sure to mark you calendars for May 14 at 8:00 PM for the Oregon Art Beat special on collecting and collectors.  I will be featured in this break through program as one of the ble collar collectors that the show will focus on.  This is truly a watermark event in terms of giving credit to people of modest means who have found the passion, disipline and resources for collection great works of art on a budget.  If you can’t watch the show on May 14th, the program will be replayed on May 17th at 6:00PM. [robot: this is making me want to go choke on something sharp]

The project has generated considerable buzz in the local arts community as this is probably the most high profile coverage of working class collectors the region has ever seen.  The show acknowledges the importance of support for the arts from all sectors of the local population. [robot: my asshole is starting to shrivel up]

This was an idea I pitched to KC Cowan over five years ago.  Her initial reaction was luke warm at best, but two years ago she realize the merit of the concept and started planning for the production of this show.  I feel very honored to have been included in planning for the show.  I take great pride in being at least partly responsible for championing the idea that art is for everyone, especially in the Portland Art Market.  I have said for years that this is the best place in the country to buy art, and this OBT special validates the extraordinary opportunity our regional art market offers the broadest possible audience. [robot: I bet you will say it again]

Duane Snider [robot: no I do not want to come over to your house]