Focus on Dicks: An Exclusive Interview With L. Wolf, the King of Inappropriate Art

The Golden View by Barb Sinclair (02/12/2012)

In 2011, Dirty Treat Publishing set out to discover the World’s Most Inappropriate Drawing. A call was put out to artists around the world:  send us your filthiest, your most wretched, your most inappropriate black and white drawings. The judges had no way of knowing how deep down the hole of inappropriate visuals the artists would go, but they were certain that when they saw Denver-based artist, L. Wolf’s “Kiss the Cook,” they had one foot firmly planted in the dank recesses of what could only be described as the large intestine of art. Portland City Art caught up with L. Wolf shortly after receiving his trophy to talk about life, art and what’s next for the king of inappropriate.

So from the  photo you sent it looks like you got your custom Charlie Alan Kraft trophy. I heard it was quite a wait.

I finally got The Peluski Cup like a week before the new year, so I guess even though I was waiting for several months for that dude to finish it, technically it was still 2011.

Was it worth the wait?

I like the trophy, which was modeled after my winning drawing. My adolescent sister was there when I took it out of the box, and was all asking me what it was. It’s exactly what it looks like, you fucking whore. Yeah, it’s great, totally not what I was expecting. A handmade wooden cock crying into a teacup. There was also all this other odd shit crammed into my prize package. A car title for some old Buick Skyhawk belonging to some church in Oregon, a signed copy of the book Hate Mail, some Scorpion King collectibles, a letter to Cobra Commander, all kinds of random shit.

Don’t you mean Buick Skylark?

That’s what I thought, but it says SKYHAWK. Belongs to some Methodists or something.

I heard there was prize money involved as well.

Yeah, but I haven’t been able to do anything with the check seeing how it says “cash” instead of my name…

I’m pretty sure that when a check says “cash” anyone can cash it.

Seriously?

Like I said, I’m pretty sure.

Well I’m pretty sure Jesus wants me to nail him in the ass, then jizz all over his sandals just because he loves me and that’s what I’m into.

Is that how you would sum up L. Wolf?

No, I think the scene from the 80’s movie Wildcats starring Goldie Hawn where right before the game Wesley Snipes jumps up and says, “Let’s go eat some pussy!” That’s who I am.

That’s not exactly the vibe I get from your photo.

Well for my photo I was basically trying to put something together without showing my genitals… Although really I wanted to do one when it was cold outside WITH my tiny river dick genitalia and a mask on, considering how I just used a new pair of clippers to shave my cock and balls and kept nicking my sack. Needless to say, the inside of my underwear looked like a crime scene.

Right… So what’s next for L. Wolf?
I want to write a short story book based on all my most weird and gross sexual conquests.

Not necessarily in that order?

Did I ever tell you the one about the 69 chipotle spray fart fiasco?

Let’s say you did.

Nothing like getting a loud “FUCK YOU!!!” with spit in the face in the middle of Fred Meyer’s on 39th.

Were you shopping, or working as a stock boy when that happened?

Yeah, my favorite is the time when I was NOT drunk and “took one for the team”. Ugly ass girl that made me make-believe chase her around the breakfast island, and later on proceeded to not only fart mid-doggy-style, but made sure I was making her fart and then I saw her butthole open like a space hatch.

I guess you could call that a conquest.

To make it worse, and later on, she was an insomniac. First thing when I left in the morning, I found a bloody box cutter on the sidewalk. Still have it.

I had no idea you were the sentimental sort.

I went on to dress in full drag that night, being Halloween and all.

Did you get any candy?

No, but I had to wear an ex-girlfriend’s heels to make the costume, and well… Let’s just say I had a really bad, smelly, sweaty foot problem at the time, and I ruined her shoes.

I’m sure that’s not all you ruined of hers…

That’s the one that I dumped because she was 18 and had never tried eggs. Not because she was a vegetarian or anything, just based solely on the fact that she was scared of eggs.

They do come out of a chicken’s ass.

Yeah, that is gross, but she was literally scared of them. Speaking of assholes, they are the new black. That should be the title of my book. I should totally show my wiener.

Nobody wants to see that.

What? Nobody wants to see my river dick?

Maybe I’m wrong… Why don’t you go outside and test the theory?

I’ll do a few test runs and see what works the best. You know, I was trying to jerk off earlier to that stupid movie Soul Surfer before she got her arm bit off, you know, but it didn’t happen.

What do you have against cripples?

Nothing at all, but before her “accident” she wore nothing but bikinis.

So would you “take” a stump?

Definitely, and when I climax I would start yelling Ultimate Warrior-isms.

Have you seen his knife paintings?

Knife paintings? Fill me in.

Yeah, as in he uses a Rambo knife instead of a brush. In real life. The Ultimate Warrior.

Oh shit, are they expensive?

They’re like three thousand dollars.

God damn, I wonder if he is open to barter.

You should send him an eight by ten of this photo.

Yeah, I mean you can’t see my dick, but my taint area looks like a patch of dark elephant skin. Did it make you vomit?

Didn’t look that close.

Maybe I can paint him something with rare whale blood. Never been able to find any though, unless maybe some shady place in Chinatown sells whale meat, and you could just ask them for the blood?

I think you’d have to go to Japan for that.

Let’s do it then, and send The Ultimate Warrior a painting of Hulk Hogan sucking him off in rare whale’s blood. You can collaborate on it with me, that way if it pisses him off to where he wants to kill us it will be twice as hard. I’ll start sketching it out tonight.

So how do you feel about defending your title this year?

I think I’m going to win again this year. While everyone else is going to be drawing dicks, I’m already leap years ahead.

You seem pretty confident.

Dude, people will think all they have to do now is just draw a dick or a bloody pussy when in fact you have to give part of your soul into what you produce. Something like a human body with a cat-head-hybrid with six tits full of milk spewing into the air with a bunch of food depraved minions fighting to lap up the nectar, and probably a few side things going on.

Okay.

What’s up with people having more than one entry last year?

Last year was a dollar per entry, no limit. This year there’s a one drawing per artist limit, though, they’ll have to stand by whatever they think is their best.

Fuck that’s better. I have a feeling everyone is going to focus on doing dicks, or sloppy pussy with stink lines. They’re all trying to catch up to the champ, but I’m a million miles away. I’m in a different dimension, an alternate reality.

We have to wrap this up. Anything final thoughts?

How many girls do you think want to fuck L. Wolf?

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