PortlandCityArt.com ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE!

by OFFICIAL REPORT (07/22/2009)

Folks, Ladies and hippies… Portland Guys from Eugene to Astoria… Strippers, coffee shop/bar/gallery owners, Richard Spear, Jon Motley and the city of Portland itself.

After a long inner staff war with our current writers (leaving some of them limbless, some of them toothless, and one of them dead on the scene), we are proud to say that our site is back on track. As for the battle, here are some highlights from the rage of bloodshed.

Tan Peluski left early on. Stumbling through a crowd of swinging bats and knives, he took some paperwork, a bottle of Jack and 3 transvestite strippers that Art brought to the staff party as a joke. At this moment, even with all available law enforcement agencies scouring the countryside trying to determine his whereabouts, Tan is still nowhere to be found.

Ten minutes into the fight, the world’s most intelligent man, Art Jeanyus, devised a brilliant plan of escape by tying a group of hippies to a McDonald’s bag, convincing them it was filled with a toxic gas that would kill every bunny in the world. He slipped into the middle of them and made his way through the crowd like a kid in a clothes rack at Kmart. What a man! Two of his roped foes did suffer several knife wounds, but thankfully there was no toxic gas and Art is back on the staff.

Bosom Bunny, our favorite sexy vixen of vivaciousness either left with Tan or left with one of the cops. Either way: go for it guys! Bosom is a special treat! Wink, wink!

Johnson Von Motley was found whispering happy thoughts to Merle the Magnificent after the magician POOFED! his arms away, but thankfully for everyone involved Johnson was OK with that. That guy sure knows how to find the bright side of everything. Motley is back on active duty, and has worked hard to learn how to type with his toes. So have no fear, you won’t miss any good thoughts about everything out there that Portland has to offer… Even crappy art. Oh sorry, Johnson! The great art with stars and flowers bouncing off of it in rainbow colors… Geez, what a load!

In the end, though, as we skip all the stabbing and bats upside heads and legs, Shaggy the Dog and Robert Brian Henry (more commonly referred to as ‘Angry White Guy’) teamed up on our beloved Chuck O. Cheese. In a picturesque type of way, though, I must admit… Robert was screaming about little boys eating popsicles and Shaggy the Dog, well… He was just barking. In what can only be described as an immaculate display of teamwork, Henry and Shaggy delivered a flurry of accurate blows to the fuzzy mouse costumee, and in an ironic twist (considering his stories about little kids’ moms), Chuck O. Cheese “went down”. We thought that would be the end of that, but oh we could not have been more mistaken. Robert Brian Henry approached Cheese from the backside and… Well, pardon my French, but let’s just say our dear mouse was enjoyed in quite an angry way. Simultaneously, Shaggy the Dog ate his head. Not just the costume, the entire thing. Completely. That dog can seriously fucking eat.

So with those two suspended from the staff, Chuck O. Cheese in popsicle boy heaven, and Tan still on the run, we start over this July with the hopes and dreams of bigger, better, and brighter future here at PortlandCityArt.com.

Tan, the Tomorrow Man, if you’re out there, PLEASE COME HOME!!!

Tags: Art Jeanyus, Bosom Bunny, boys eating popsicles, Chuck O. Cheese, Johnson Von Motley, Jon Motley, man on mouse rape, Merle the Magnificent, Richard Spear, Robert Brian Henry, Shaggy the Dog, Tan Peluski, transvestite hookers

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 01:13 and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.