John Wray is One Serious Mother Fucker

Man About Town

Hey folks! Man About Town here, and dear God my liver is killing me. Despite my doctor’s threats of violence if I leave my bed today, I am sitting here with none other than Portland’s own John Wray, an amazing artist and one of pinball’s true heros. This is one guy you don’t want to miss out on talking to, even when your piss is coming out purple and your kidneys have climbed into your upper back. Seriously, though, John is a man of many talents and even more beards! OK, whoa there, John, just kidding… just one beard. Seriously, now, Portland is on a need-to-know basis here, and there is plenty they need to know about art. So let’s get the skinny… and speaking of skinny, my ex-wife was not it… while some women like to wear moo-moos, she would just moo. Seriously, though!

Question: So what’s with the skulls? And I don’t mean the band! Oh!

Answer: Don’t know… I can’t get them out of my head.

Q: Great answer! Ironically enough, I can’t get my ex-wife out my head, despite the fact she never even gave me any! In all seriousness, though, what are your thoughts on the artistic endeavors of the new Rambo movie?

A: I haven’t seen the new Rambo movie not that I wouldn’t watch it.

Q: Nice! Can’t tell you how much I wish I had never seen my ex-wife! Oh, but seriously, I’m still paying the optimologist… That’s actually the truth! Speaking of which, John, boxers or briefs?

A: Boxerbriefs!

Q: Fabulous! My good friend Art loves those, says they help with his… second thought, let’s not get into that. Love the guy, but he has the tendency to show off the wares, if you know what I mean. Never understood why they have those flaps in the front, but seriously, though, how does it feel to have a name that rhymes with John Gay?

A: [John gets very serious.] You repeat that and we’ll have to go outside…

Q: John, my good man, we don’t have to be outside to be together! Only joking! Seriously, though, how do you feel about Sam Adams and what he has done for the Portland art scene?

A: I don’t know what Sam Adams does for the Portland art scene, he’s never bought one of my paintings.

Q: Unbelievable! I guess the skulls and roses thing isn’t as up his alley as, say, the Little League posters he’s got his living room wallpapered with. Seriously, though, speaking of up his alley, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with an underage bowling league? Sam Adams huffing bowling shoes like they were paint thinner! Seriously though, not that you’re 17, John, but do you find mayor Sam Adams attractive?

A: No. His hair is always messy, though, and I know for a fact that a friend of mine just cut it for him today.

Q: Really? Do you have a lot of hot, 17-year-old, male friends? Only kidding, my ex-wife was actually one of the above, but if I told you which I’d be violating a restraining order. Seriously, though, what advice do you have for up-and-coming artists?

A: Paint as much art as you can.

Q: Speaking of painting, your dad was a long standing member of ZZ Top. Are you a Sharp Dressed Man, yes or no?

A: [John laughs for the first time.] No.

Q: You’re kidding! I owe Art some money on that one, for real now… Since we’re on the subject of music, John, tell me… Does every rose really have it’s thorn?

A: Many. They’re very large and can stab you.

Q: Wow! Here I was thinking that Poison exaggerated the ratio of roses to thorns, but apparently each flower has at least one prick. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with my last ex-wife? At least two pricks! Seriously, though, John… Are you a member of the NRA?

A: I plead the fifth.

Q: Me too, but only when I’m broke and standing out front of the liquor store. Please, kind sir, could you spare a fifth? Seriously, though, wonderful to meet you, John Wray, and before I beg you for a drink is there anything else you would like to let people in Portland know?

A: Crazy Flipper Fingers RULE, all others SUCK!!!

Not to disagree with you but my ex-wife would only suck while I’m at work. I’m only kidding… Seriously, though, we covered quite a bit! Check out, John Wray, artist and pinball genius, it has been my pleasure to discuss so many things with you today. If you will please excuse me I have a fifth waiting in the car, and I’m not talking about vodka, I’m talking about my fifth wife! Seriously, though, make that soon-to-be-ex-wife, I just saw her lawyer’s car pull up. What do you get when you cross a fat guy with my ability to maintain a marriage? Just a fat guy! Oh! I wish it weren’t true, no, but seriously, though, now that I look at the woman in question I take that back. I don’t even need a pen, I’ll sign the papers with tears of joy! Take half my liver while you’re at it, all it’s doing is weighing me down! Seriously, though, take care my friends! Lend me your livers!

Tan Peluski

Man About Town

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