Hi, I’m Tan Peluski. My friends call me Melanin. I’m only kidding, you can call me anything you want as long as you’re buying. Seriously though, folks, if I had a dime for every time I said something that wasn’t funny, I’d owe you five bucks. Seriously though, welcome to my column. Why don’t we get started?
People are always asking me, “Man About Town, who is the most successful artist in Portland?” to which I reply, “Successful artist in Portland?” I only kid, I’m sure there are several artists in Portland who can afford to pay for sex. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a paintbrush? One serious stomachache!
So what is the big fuss about Last Thursday? I’ll tell you what I did last Thursday. I had a rubber glove hanging out of my winker and a doctor was telling me bad news. “Tan,” he says, “your cholesterol is through the roof, your blood pressure is off the charts, and I could swear I was just wearing a watch.” Seriously though, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a cardboard box? One serious stomachache!
Another question I get all the time, “Tan, where is the best place to buy art in Portland?” to which I reply, “The Home Shopping Network!” I’m telling you, art in Portland? I used to know a guy named Art, he had no arms, no legs and was always hanging on the wall. Didn’t live in Portland, though. Why do you think all of the art openings serve booze? So people will show up! Seriously, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with green shoes? Green turds! Come on, say it with me now… One serious stomachache!
Folks, I am Tan Peluski, your Man About Town. Feel free to send me your comments and questions regarding Portland’s Art Scene, and I will do my best to work them into future columns. I hate to say goodbye, but the pizza guy just pulled up. Speaking of pull-ups, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a box of diapers? A toilet that finally works again!