Orin Starr, Citizens Ashamed of The Nest

Local activist and Lesbian swinger Orin Starr leading a group of anti-rude bingo night protesters outside of "The Nest" a bar in Portland, Oregon.

When most people think of bars in Portland Oregon good times and good beer come to mind. Even The Nest, Alberta street’s hot-spot for local well dressed liberals such as Orin Starr has been known for it’s comfortable atmosphere, cheap beer, and loud music set against a backdrop of fine rotating artwork curated by local celebrity Chris Haberman. What happens, though, when a local hangout, once a meeting point for well-cologned, high-class hipsters goes south? It becomes a Mecca for disgusting, disturbing, delusional,  racist, sexist, classist and homophobic outcries of slander and distaste masked by the power of the First Amendment.

On Sunday May 8th, 2011 Orin Starr entered The Nest like he does every other day of the week, hopped up on anti-depressents and exhausted after a long hard day of customer service at a local Co-Op. What did he want? He wanted what every other person in the bar wanted that night: a beer and an atmosphere that allowed him the opportunity to peep some fresh female clam as they say. What did he get, you ask? A first hand lesson in freedom of speech! Quietly enjoying his drink, Orin and his wingman for the night couldn’t help but notice it was Bingo Night, but what they failed to recognize was the well-posted and immediately visible signs stating “Sunday night at The Nest is we get to say what ever the fuck we want bingo night”. That’s right, readers, it was Rude Bingo Night.

After listening to the guy at the microphone berate gentle folks waiting for the bathroom with malicious slanderous comments, Orin turned to his wingman (a person who intelligently chooses to remain anonymous) and says, “Fuck this piece of shit with his whole I have a beard and balls attitude, I’m gonna fuck his shit up!” Orin’s wingman, Christianly as a kitten’s vagina, chose to turn the other cheek and ignore the barrage of bingo inspired insults, and quietly sipped his or her beer. Orin, however, could not just sit by while the ears of decent folks everywhere were subjected to  such harsh and vile abuse, and cried out, “Hey dumb fuckin’ dick for brains! This is Portland! We don’t hurt people’s feelings here you fucking piece of shit!”

Unfortunately Orin had no idea what he had gotten himself into. Being that he had completely ignored the well-posted signs describing the event of the evening in clear and vivid detail, the man-bear at the microphone took this as someone wanting to play along with the evening’s festivities, and really gave Orin a piece of his mind…. (Here at PortlandCityArt.com we strive ourselves to bring you up to date slanderous bullshit without censorship ,but the words exchanged in that moment at the bar were so degrading and shameful that even WE couldn’t stomach printing them in this article…….) Once the extended exchange of poetic hate had come down from its’ inevitable climax, Orin turned to the bartender to complain. The bartender ,though, had only this to say: “Bitch, put a dick in it!”

Disgusted by the entire situation and distraught by the not so sensitive energy at the bar, Orin fell victim to the violence and unleashed a flurry of ice cubes in the direction of Mr. Rude Bingo. A fist fight soon broke out, bottles were smashed, Starr’s friend was dragged from the bar by his or her front-facing ponytail and Orin, well… he was later found bloodied and hunching over in the alley like a lump of used dog shit (as opposed to brand new dog shit, straight from the ass).

Customers at the bar refused to comment on the situation, and even Portland’s finest were not able to get a statement regarding the scene of events that unfolded that evening. Was Orin Starr an unsuspecting victim of a hate crime or just a mild mannered customer pushed to the edge of violent rage by a tasteless lower then human life form holding the mic that night? Is this what our fair city is coming to? Bars that once housed the meek and sensitive now playgrounds for dirty mouthed trash talkers with a taste for violence against she-men? Is the first amendment really that important? Did Portland lose its sense of humor? Did it ever HAVE a sense of humor? Whatever the reason, whatever the justification, Portland has failed in the eyes of its’ citizens, and The Nest is the thorn that continues to break the CIty of Rose’s back.

 

The Illicit Fart of Murals – Exploring Matt Stangel’s Prettiest Underwear

Seriously, Tan here to talk about my liver, no really my liver and how it felt after I drank myself silly just to finish Matt Stangel’s article on the prettiest walls in Portland. prettiest walls? Matt the prettiest walls in Portland are in your bedroom painted with our love. Oh seriously. After that poor first paragraph where you regurgitated very little actually information about the Portland/Clear channel law suit It was clear I was in for a literal masterpiece. Really now I stopped to take a look at a photo of my ex wife then realized she was pictured in the photo of the mural at the beggining of your article. Oh seriously she is looking great! Waning sign code era? Wow! My ex wife waned but only when we had sex, Seriously. So with unfiortunate dispair ahead of me I printed out your article at Kinkos and followed your Mural walk through the city. Unbelievable! I found myself now where near the path your article was supposed to send me on, Seriously I must have been drunk! Really I was! After realized your article was becoming a pain in my kidneys I tossed it some guys yard on Belmont and headed for the nearest urgent care, I needed some pain medicine, seriously that painting of my ex wife was really getting to me. Really now nice article, can I have a heart attack now please! Seriously! Where those the only murals in Portland you could find or were those just murals of people you hadn’t bent over for recently and were looking for some brown star points for mentioning their names. Seriously my ex wife gets a brown star but not from me… Seriously she loves it. What is a brown star? Seriously what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Matt Stengal’s mural walk of the prettiest walls in Portland? This ones easy! Seriously just think a bit longer… Keep thinking.. O.k. fine, seriously ” A fat guy wishing he had never walked around looking at all of Matt’s pretty walls cause now he is tired and bored.” Seriously, there are a lot more murals out , good one’s too! Oh seriously and they are not all in SE.. Check out Chris Gayberman’s I mean Haberman’s and Jennifer mercedes on Alberta street at Francis restaurant, 2338 NE Alberta. How about Tom Kramer’s mural on NE williams and Shaver. How about work Klutch has done on the garage door of the Poy Boy art studio/frame shop and the garage door across the street from them. Seriously though I havre to take a dump, your article is goign to make great toilet paper when I am finished. Tan peluski is out of the office and headed on another adventure, really now not with my ex wife. Seriously .. o.k.. really, seriously this is it.. I’m finished..  no really… Matt Stengal like’s Jessie reno’s pubic hair, seriously… No that was joke.. really now…

Welcome: On Your Level

A few days ago I was asked to be a periodic columnist on a new up and coming website that introspectively relays information about the happenings of art in the city of Portland, Oregon. With respect to the geographical location of these columns and my reader audience, I as a professional writer (though adorned several times over with masters degrees in fields of personal interest, keynote speaker at several hundred amazingly successful seminars, infinite array of magazines and newspapers I work for covering every subject matter known to man) promise to keep my artistic, creative and intellectual Genius under severe restraint so that you may hope to understand.

I will refrain from the use of words such as exceptional, probability or reoccurrence in any of my writings. Most of all I will always keep in mind that Portland is a simple town with simple ideas, and that no one wants to interrupt their perfect flow of mediocrity with anything a tad more smart. Besides, I am well aware that as an artist or just a public shmo you have already spent most of your day drinking cheap beer and smoking weed so making your head hurt with large confusing (whoops, did it right there!) with large hard to get words is simply not very nice. I have even made a list that I will keep in front of me to help me understand your adorable Portland Phonics (whoops!) Portland Lingo. I will focus on sharing with you my immense (my “bad”!) big wisdom on a level that you will comprehend (damn! again!) I mean so you can get it! Let us then start this column off on the right foot. I hope a little explanation (damn!) description (shit!) I mean a little… um… blurb about myself has helped, so now let us talk art.

Portland art is fine, but if you want to be famous (and in this case a famous artist in Portland) you will need my help. Guess what? No I will not mail you an ounce of weed. No! I am not starting a non-profit. What you need are ideas!!! Brilliant ideas!!! You know the things in your head that you have for just a moment but cannot remember what they were after the second drag on your joint or that third beer? Well, I am going to give them to you. A huge list of ideas, a cheat sheet if you will. Something you can look to when those ideas you had are forgotten. Reading my column will bring you happiness, you will have something to create in-between your drum circle, after your food co-op meeting, and right before you spend the five dollars you made washing dishes at the bar for a pack of smokes. Everything you need will be right here. So do not worry, when that flash of genius comes to you and you want to leave the bar or your local community garden to go paint that multi-colored portrait of you as an angst little girl you won’t have to because you can keep doing what you are doing and be rest assured (whoops!) feel O.K. That you can come home, curl up by your electric heater, read my column, and have the kind of ideas that only famous artists would have. Ideas that when they are done properly will make you famous here in Portland, Oregon.

I know, that was a lot to take in, so let us make it simple. O.K. Here it is… Idea number one for artists in Portland to be famous or already famous artists to get even more famous. Paint something on recycled material. OH MY GOD! I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I JUST GAVE THAT AWAY! Yes! Recycled material! Find some wood, paper, a sign, a bed, a bum’s penis, a dead bird, some string, a bottle, an adult diaper, a TV… Anything you can pick up that has room to make something on use it!!! In Portland, that will make you a famous artist!

Regards,
Art Jeanyus
mastermind@portlandcityart.com