The only thing worse than a Nazi is a vegetarian.

Nazi Vegetarians abort baby chickens.

Brothers and sisters of the ethical way, I know that we can all agree that meat-eaters, even the so-called ethical omnivore or localvore, are sadistic death mongers, deserving of hatred and ridicule. And while these people are certainly the Hitlers of our time, I actually want to write today about a group of people who are even worse than serial murderers who call themselves omnivores. I’m talking, of course, about vegetarians.

Vegetarians are the worst kind of hypocrites because they claim to love animals so much they could never eat them.

“I love animals, I don’t eat them.”

“I never eat anything that had a face.”

“I’m a vegetarian because eating animals is cruel.”

Do you know what I have to say to these vegetarians?

FUCK YOU.

That’s right. Fuck you, you hypocritical scumbag. Don’t you know that egg COULD have had a face if only you hadn’t forced that sweet, harmless momma chicken to abort her babies so you could have a fucking omelet?

You say you love all animals? Really? Really, you do?! Because if you love cows as much as your precious dogs and cats, I’m wondering why you don’t get your cat pregnant and then ship those sweet kittens off to slaughter so you can enjoy some cat milk on your cereal in the morning? Huh, asshole? How about forcing your cat to stand in a cage all day, while high powered suckers are attached to her little kitty nipples and the milk is squeezed out so forcibly that a small percentage of blood and puss comes out with it? How would that be on some fucking Cap’n Crunch?

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I grossing you out? Well maybe you’d prefer some Dog Butter? Or how about Horse Cheese? I’m sure your beloved pet bitch wouldn’t mind living in a tiny cage and spending long miserable days having it’s titties sucked dry so you can make a couple of grams of Dog Butter, right? Do you think that seems cruel?

Guess what, dickhead? It is cruel, and you’re no better than the meat-eating Nazi’s. You have no right to call yourself ethical, or merciful or a lover of animals. Remember that lonely forgotten kitty hooked up to that cold, hard milking machine next time you get a hankering for cheese pizza, and for the love of God remember that all that melty, gooey cheese is nothing but pain and suffering incarnate.

Once again, we can only conclude that everybody who isn’t a vegan is a Nazi.

Baby mad! Baby not like Hippie Jesus!

Me Baby! Me not like Hippie Jesus, Hippie Jesus vegan. Icky Poo! Vegan food tastes like doo doo. Me Baby, Me hope Hippie Jesus fall out of his tree and go splat on Hawthorne. Baby think Hippie Jesus stoopid! Ga Ga doo doo pants! Baby going to hire bad man to spike Hippie jesus food with bloody dead puppy juice. You bad man Hippie Jesus! Me puke on your shoe! Me go now. Baby upset.

The World According to Vegan

Everyday more and more people are tossing aside the shackles of cruelty and embracing the compassionate and ethical path of the vegan, but sadly, many of them are doing it for all the wrong reasons. Becoming a vegan isn’t about making a healthier lifestyle choice or about making a minuscule, but still completely relevant, impact on the environment. Becoming a vegan is nothing short of a religious experience.

Once a person manages to wash away all traces of the blood of his fellow creatures, the soul of that person is reborn. Being a vegan is not a way of life; it is an evolution in consciousness that takes you closer to ultimate truth, purity and perfection.

I myself have been a vegan for the past six of my lives, and I can attest to the spiritual clarity and wisdom that comes from becoming truly pure. Vegans like myself coexist peacefully with nature, like a tree lives in a forest or a cactus lives in the desert. We harm none and in doing so, we have ascended to a new level of reality.

It is no surprise that flesh eaters are falling down dead in greater and greater numbers from obesity related illnesses. The animals will have their revenge and that revenge is diabetes, cancer and heart disease! Those who consume flesh think they have the right to commit murder of their fellow creatures, but who gets the last laugh? Those kind gentle farm animals do by depositing their tiny cholesterol bombs throughout the bodies of the unpure. Wake up, murderers! Karmic retribution is on its way in the form of hardening arteries and diabetic comas!

Sadly most people are spiritually asleep and will never know the profound love, beauty and wisdom that comes with veganism. While I believe it is the duty of every vegan to enlighten the world and guide others to the path of perfection, I am primarily writing this column for those who have already seen the light. I decided that it was high time that somebody came forward and talked about the real reason we all become vegans: to be better people, better than flesh eaters and thus better than nearly everyone we know.

Vegans face so many challenges on their path to enlightenment and I, the Hippie Jesus, am stepping forward to guide, encourage and love those few brave souls ascending to perfection. There are too many blogs and books by skinny bitches out there focusing on the health benefits of veganism, loosing weight by becoming vegan or worse those that merely provide vegan recipes and self-indulgent photos of every single meal they eat. We must rise above these trivial mundane concerns and focus on remaining pure, and therefore, more evolved than the rest of the world.

If you are a vegan, I invite you to come back and check regularly for more articles on how to be a better person through veganism. I hope to cover topics such as:

How to avoid touching people who may have touched dead flesh.

Fake meats: the devil in disguise.

Living with tapeworms, our parasitic friends.

Outing faux vegans (Pamela Anderson, I’m talking to you.)

I know yogurt has living cultures, but does it have a soul?

Stay tuned in, my brothers and sisters of peace, for this and more enlightening discourse. Until then, “Namaste.”

Ten Things NOT to Do in Portland

Wow, Well folks, dudes and strippers we had a good run with our commentary on the art scene. I know that first sentence really confused everyone out there, so allow me to spell it out for you… on your level.

Yo! It was rad, dude. We were just rapping about Portland art. Yeah, man, that was super fuckin’ cool. After the riot/ brawl/ war that happened in our office, and with the faculty now questioning where this website is headed, we have all come to conclusion that as professionals… (whoops!) …as people with degrees other then bar hopping we have all decided we need to spread our educated skills into new realms. Realms means places. So as the website expands (shit!) I mean, gets bigger, we will be advising (damn it!) assisting (shit!) I mean holding your hands on the ins and outs, the hip and not hip, the cool and the lame (as you would say) happenings in Portland. Everything from news, weather, clubs, bands, Beer fests (a lot of beer fests) and sights to be seen. Of course, art will always be one of our major focuses at Portlandcityart.com, but there is so much more to discuss (christ!) talk about. So to kick off this new spin on one of the greatest periodicals (fuck!) things with words I have ever worked on, I will be writing my column in more bite-sized chunks. You people love top ten lists, and you shall have them. Enjoy!

THINGS NOT TO DO IN PORTLAND

  1. Keep your cat in the house.
  2. Ride a bike that has more than one gear.
  3. Respect other cultures.
  4. Drink Bud Light (unless you live in Gresham).
  5. Be sober.
  6. Have a fulltime job.
  7. Have sex with a vegan.
  8. Refuse to show your art at a bar or coffee shop (everyone does, you’re not special).
  9. Forget to apply to art school.
  10. Be heterosexual!

   
Sincerely,

Art Jeanyus
the well educated genius of contemporary philosophy and the human condition