Heather the Batshit Dumbfuck: Are You an Art Teacher?

Dear Mr. Peluski,

I'm reaching out to you because I have been getting a lot of job leads as an art teacher, and I'm looking for another art teacher interested in taking on more clients. After checking out your website I think you are a great fit and I'd love to start sending you job leads.  Please let me know about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what I can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
Heather
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Drama in the Office

"Henry O" Portland City's very own basement dwelling twinkie machine. He is our backdoor to the darkest secrets of the Portland art and political scene.

Rumor has it drama is spreading across the portland art scene, spreading like a thick buttery substance that often gets spread over the mountainous ripples of my backside. If rumors are true then soon Portland could be witness to it’s own cosmic implosion of artistic butt cheese.

Recently while heading up from the basement of well known art non profit group that has a strong hold on the scene I over heard director Chris Haberman speaking on the phone with whom I suspect to be our very own mayor Sam “Teen Chaser” Adams. Though factually I cannot say it was Sam Adams on the phone with Chris Haberman but since I have encountered our Mayor on several occassions speeding behind me with vigor, hands out, tongue flapping and panting like a wet dog until of course I reared my over eighteen head and he swallowed his pride for one moment to say in exhaustion “Sorry I’m training for the CATCH THE TEEN 5K next month.” I realized a familliar sound on the other end of the phone which I recognized as the same deep breathing of our dear mayor, sounds I had heard many times before.

Squirming my way through the hall and huffing up the final step ( Did I mention they don’t build stairwells wide enough for really really fat guys ) My ears hath not deceived me as Chris Haberman spoke in a sweaty voice. “If anyone finds out we run both websites our fine image as artists supporting artists and our community will be tarnished. We’ll be hung, dipped in tar and feathered, not to mention how many less teen boys you’ll be able to sack .” ( Oh, this was the other hint that Sam Adams was on the other line )

Sweat piled up in my under garments. Well what was left of them, in the  least the parts not riding up my gorgeous chunky highway of manliness. I then realized as I swung the door open to reveal the sidewalk outside and the crumbs of Twinkies I had left to help me find my way home, Chris Haberman had said something even I Henry O’ could not believe he said. Muffling his ginormous mouth he whispered “Action needs to take place. We need to take out Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus. The others will fall if we take down their kings, like Rome Portlandcityart.com will be no more and in the wake of it’s aftermath we will look like heroes in the eyes of the art community,  as long as no one finds out that we started the website in the first place.”

What!!!! How could this be? Two websites? Different staff? all part of a plot to gain control and respect of the community and its innocent artists. I was astonished so I headed to the store for a pound of chicken, three cans of baked beans and a box of twinkies. After totally stuffing my face and exercising my bodies ability to store fat like a god I immediately contacted Tan Peluski. Him and Art Jeanyus invited me to be a member of staff in hopes to somehow put a wrench in this evil plot. I can only hope there isn’t already a rat on the inside, a trojan horse of sorts. Be fore warned, there are dark things happening at portlandcityart.org and our beloved Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus are the targets of well designed plot to manufacture simpleton artists on their knees begging for another show at the same local venue with no hope for a steady income only commsions and donations offered up in sacrifice to Chris Haberman and his crew of deliquent vigilanties.

Tan Peluski is a Rat Bastard

rat-bastard-thumb

There’s been a lot of talk lately about what a rat bastard my ex-husband, Tan Peluski, is. Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t know the half of it.

Tan Peluski is the type of guy who wouldn’t think twice about fingering your grandma when nobody’s looking. He’s the kind of asshole that takes you to Sizzler for steaks and when the food comes he plucks one of his own pubes, drops it into the mashed potatoes and then refuses to pay. We all know that his jokes aren’t funny, that his breath smells like canned cat food and he’s such an outrageous alcoholic that he practically pisses 151. I say practically because I’ve tasted it, and it does not taste the same. It will, however, get you wicked fucked up.

You might ask yourself how a piece of work like Tan managed to get married once, let alone seventeen times. As wife number five, I can tell you that whiskey and vodka are two of the biggest contributing factors. Might have been the Vicodin too. Not to mention Tan has really amazing testicles.

Fantastic. Testicles.

And I don’t mean he’s brave or courageous. I mean he has some very attractive testicles. Perfectly sized, balanced and fuzzy; like two sweet little nectarines in a velvet pouch. The kind you want to rub your cheek up against.

But don’t get me wrong. His cock is worthless. About as worthless as porpoise on Quaaludes. Come to think of it, it looks a lot like a porpoise on Quaaludes. A blind, porpoise on Quaaludes ramming up against your inner thigh until it just sort of rolls over and gives up.

Yeah, but I didn’t come here to humiliate Tan. Well, not entirely. I also wanted to write about the other side of Tan, one that rarely gets talked about. I’m talking about the Tan Peluski who takes time out of his busy schedule of drinking and insulting strangers to dress up every Christmas like Santa Claus and visit trailer parks across Portland. You might have heard of the Trailer Park Santas? Yeah, he’s started that program. They’re a registered non-profit organization and to be honest with you when I heard that he started a charity my first thought was, tax scam. But I’ll be damned if that old crusty piece of dried up puke doesn’t actually go out and spend time with those lousy rugrats. I know because I’ve seen him do it.

Ok, he does smell like an old moldy shoe, but it’s not like those snot-nose little bastards know the difference. Most of them are strung out on Ramen noodles and second hand smoke anyway.

So my ex-husband, the impotent, alcoholic, foul-mouthed, racist, ugly piece of shit that he is, dons a festive rented Santa suit and invites little kids and attractive teenage girls to sit on his lap and experience the beautiful fucking magic of asking Santa Claus for a gift. And you know, it’s just pathetic and heartbreaking to hear the things they ask for. Sticks of gum. Shoe polish. Crack cocaine. It’s just sad.

Of course, that’s the thing that makes Tan special. Tan understands disappointment. He understands rock bottom, and the thing that I respect about him is he doesn’t lie to those kids. He doesn’t tell them that they’ll actually get their presents and he sure doesn’t tell them that they’re bad.

Except the ones that want crack and weapons, but the rest of them, they’re good kids.

So Tan tells the good ones that Santa can’t bring them presents because they’re little trailer houses don’t have chimneys. Isn’t that sweet?

The Gruesome Artwork of Cathie Joy Young!

Man About Town, Tan Peluskie here. Seriously sobriety is hurtign me more and more each day. My liver screams into my gentiles and then I was taken from my paint with a moderate sigh of relief. Not relief from pain though as I  immediately came across some images that not only caused me pain, oh seriously and they were not of my ex wife but one does look like one of them after a night of drinking.

Folks I’m a serious the colors, the shapes, they put me in disaray. I’ve been confused and sickened for days. Where is my copy of Catcher in the Rye I feel the assasination of my liver coming on. These images have burned there uninteresting for and use of creativity into my eye sockets, no the backs of my eye sockets, seriosuly no my liver can see them. I thought at first is this some government conspiracy? Did the government secretly plant a CIA agaent into portland that is sending us messages of rebelious distaste and desire for that which is not good at all….. Oh my god, it’s true! Seriously I am still hurting, Oh my Hemroid just ruptured or was it my spleen, no I cannot sit down my hemroids are fine. Folks what are we to do. In this case much like any case having to do with my ex wives I must intertwine my article with another and end this with yet another Top Ten Things not do in Portland

  1. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  2. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  3. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  4. Ever ever think of purchasing Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  5. Ever ever think of telling someone else to purchase Cathie Joy youngs artwork
  6. Walk buy or near the Guardino Gallery until February 23rd. Why you ask? Seriously!
  7. Stay away from the Guardino Gallery people Cathie Joy Young has painting there
  8. No don not go to the Guardino Gallery for Cathie’s show even if there is free booze
  9. Drink free booze somewhere far awat from a Cathie Joy Young painting
  10. Speak of Cathie Joy Youngs paintings…

Seriously folks they will burn hole into the deepest caverns of your rectum and make you feel less of a painter after you’ve recovered fro mthe blinding atrocity of their mirad existance……

You welcome for being your savior, sincerely

Man About Town,
Tan Peluski

Things That are Hard

THIS JUST IN! Being an artist is hard. I’m talking to you guys out there, you “Art [censored by Salvia]” that are always carrying on about how things are not [censored by Salvia] or [censored by Salvia]. You are right, but if you think [censored by Salvia] as an artist is hard, check out the next incoming bulletin.

THIS JUST IN! Life is hard. So yes, you are special because you like to [censored by Salvia] around being [censored by Salvia] and acting [censored by Salvia]. Oh, poor me, I’m an artist and I can’t pay my rent. I can’t find a job. Guess what, [censored by Salvia], check out where I’m working!!! Nowhere!!! I ain’t gettin’ paid for this!!! This is free media, [censored by Salvia], I can say whatever I want and so can you! That’s not hard, but life sure as hell is!

THIS JUST IN! Art in Portland is on the rise. I almost choked on my [censored by Salvia] when I saw this headline. Guess who else was surprised? NOBODY. How could Art in Portland go any direction but up? I suppose if it had a [censored by Salvia] it could [censored by Salvia] its’ way to the center of the Earth, but we’re talking about Art in Portland. It’s in the sub-basement of the [censored by Salvia] building, people. Yes, it’s on the rise. It’s always going to be on the rise. Where do you go from rock bottom? Up, you snapperheads. Up!

THIS JUST IN! Sam Adams is still Mayor. The committee that formed to kick Mayor Adams out of office was completely unsuccessful. As a source at RecallSamAdams.com told one of our reporters: “As many of you [censored by Salvia] read in the news we came so very close to getting a recall election. I need each of you to know that all of our hard [censored by Salvia] this hot summer impressed [censored by Salvia], to the point that a group of [censored by Salvia] are now coming forward to create an [censored by Salvia] for professional campaign management and [censored by Salvia] signature gathers to work with [censored by Salvia] to reset the [censored by Salvia] on Sam Adams.” Hey, this just in, people, he’s the Mayor. It’s too late. Stop voting for someone and then [censored by Salvia] about it when you find out they are [censored by Salvia] later. He’s a politician. It’s his job to lie. If anything, next time vote for someone that is [censored by Salvia]. Vote for Tan Peluski!

Fat Cobra Video Incident Report

Edited by the Sheriff’s Department of [COUNTY WITHHELD].
Names of the officers have been removed as they are pending an investigation.

At 6:30am on Tuesday, November 17th 2009 police officers arrived to the scene of Fat Cobra Video in [CITY WITHHELD]. One crazed and visibily intoxicated Tan Peluski was outside alternating between screaming and crying, but became more coherent the closer they came. The officers noticed that he had something that looked like headphones melted to the sides of his head.

“Somebody owes me a drink, seriously. These fucking headphones are melted to my fucking ears!” crazy old Peluski yelled at them. “I can’t hear shit!” He was waving his arms frantically and stomping around, all while balancing a Jack and Coke near his face at all times which he sipped on anytime his mouth wasn’t busy yelling or breathing. One officer moved behind the animated Peluski, to catch him in case he were to lose his balance, or be tackled.

“Sir, now if you would please calm down. Let’s get this thing straightened out here.” The second officer remained calm, while the first had Peluski flanked but was giving off a friendly vibe. Peluski threw his drink at the officer talking, and then turned to spit in the other officer’s eyes before lunging at him with the razor-sharp claws of a professional wild man.

“Make the music stop!” Claw, claw, slash slash. The officer’s face was quickly littered with tiny incisions that would never heal properly, considering the type of filth and bacteria likely to be found populating freely across the vast surfaces of Peluski’s nail system. “Get the tubas out of my head!” He attacked like a ferret, although his claws looked more like the ones you’d see on a possum. “My ex-wife couldn’t give worse head than this shit! Turn it off!”

Officer number one (or was it number two), finally shook off the Jack and Coke and pulled his taser. Whether he knew what would happen after shooting Peluski with the taser remains to be seen. Fact of the matter is, though, Peluski and officer number two (or one) got tasered together, as they were adjoined by the very conductive claws growing out of his fingers and digging into the other’s face. With the combination of rain and spilled drinks, apparently the ground was wet enough that the taser’s effects boomeranged across to incapacitate the officer that fired it as well.

Both officers were knocked out cold. When they awoke, Peluski was gone. All that was left of the decrepid lunatic was a message carved in the face of officer one (or two). It said: “FOTCHA!”

“There is probably going to be a manhunt,” Commissioner Trout speculated. “Nobody gets away with that in my city, cutting up somebody’s face with filthy fingernails. That shit was infected the moment it happened. I mean, we have to clamp down on that, is all I’m saying. At the same time, though, we don’t have a lot of money in the budget for big city-wide manhunts, so we’ll probably just send a couple of the guys that are close to retirement out to the local bars to see if they can dig up any information on his whereabouts. That’s kind of a long explanation, though, so let’s just stick with ‘manhunt’. There is probably going to be one.” The Commissioner has said nothing since that public address.

The following day, a google search was performed on the word: “FOTCHA!”, and it has thusfar yielded no clue as to what caused Tan Peluski to go stark raving mad. Perhaps it will always be a mystery, or perhaps the city will decide to make it a priority and bring the fugitive in. Clearly the man needs our help, but for now it looks like he will be roaming free, and maybe or not, there will be a couple of old, washed up detectives, getting drunk in bars hot on his trail. What does any of this mean? We have no fucking idea.

PortlandCityArt.com ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE!

Folks, Ladies and hippies… Portland Guys from Eugene to Astoria… Strippers, coffee shop/bar/gallery owners, Richard Spear, Jon Motley and the city of Portland itself.

After a long inner staff war with our current writers (leaving some of them limbless, some of them toothless, and one of them dead on the scene), we are proud to say that our site is back on track. As for the battle, here are some highlights from the rage of bloodshed.

Tan Peluski left early on. Stumbling through a crowd of swinging bats and knives, he took some paperwork, a bottle of Jack and 3 transvestite strippers that Art brought to the staff party as a joke. At this moment, even with all available law enforcement agencies scouring the countryside trying to determine his whereabouts, Tan is still nowhere to be found.

Ten minutes into the fight, the world’s most intelligent man, Art Jeanyus, devised a brilliant plan of escape by tying a group of hippies to a McDonald’s bag, convincing them it was filled with a toxic gas that would kill every bunny in the world. He slipped into the middle of them and made his way through the crowd like a kid in a clothes rack at Kmart. What a man! Two of his roped foes did suffer several knife wounds, but thankfully there was no toxic gas and Art is back on the staff.

Bosom Bunny, our favorite sexy vixen of vivaciousness either left with Tan or left with one of the cops. Either way: go for it guys! Bosom is a special treat! Wink, wink!

Johnson Von Motley was found whispering happy thoughts to Merle the Magnificent after the magician POOFED! his arms away, but thankfully for everyone involved Johnson was OK with that. That guy sure knows how to find the bright side of everything. Motley is back on active duty, and has worked hard to learn how to type with his toes. So have no fear, you won’t miss any good thoughts about everything out there that Portland has to offer… Even crappy art. Oh sorry, Johnson! The great art with stars and flowers bouncing off of it in rainbow colors… Geez, what a load!

In the end, though, as we skip all the stabbing and bats upside heads and legs, Shaggy the Dog and Robert Brian Henry (more commonly referred to as ‘Angry White Guy’) teamed up on our beloved Chuck O. Cheese. In a picturesque type of way, though, I must admit… Robert was screaming about little boys eating popsicles and Shaggy the Dog, well… He was just barking. In what can only be described as an immaculate display of teamwork, Henry and Shaggy delivered a flurry of accurate blows to the fuzzy mouse costumee, and in an ironic twist (considering his stories about little kids’ moms), Chuck O. Cheese “went down”. We thought that would be the end of that, but oh we could not have been more mistaken. Robert Brian Henry approached Cheese from the backside and… Well, pardon my French, but let’s just say our dear mouse was enjoyed in quite an angry way. Simultaneously, Shaggy the Dog ate his head. Not just the costume, the entire thing. Completely. That dog can seriously fucking eat.

So with those two suspended from the staff, Chuck O. Cheese in popsicle boy heaven, and Tan still on the run, we start over this July with the hopes and dreams of bigger, better, and brighter future here at PortlandCityArt.com.

Tan, the Tomorrow Man, if you’re out there, PLEASE COME HOME!!!