Approximate @ galleryHOMELAND

Art: Pleasure to work with you, Tan. Your swollen red nose and beer stained shirt precede you. Our subject today is rather simpleton, we have been asked to critique a John Motley article from the Portland Mercury, a darling little publication worth its’ weight in soiled bedsheets. In it he praises the collaborative installation, Approximate, currently disturbing those unfortunate enough to find themselves scurrying the hallways of galleryHOMELAND. I believe I will let you have the floor, Tan, as this sort of thing deserves your brand of commentary.

Tan: Well thank you, Art. Nice to actually see your face, although I think I still prefer the back of your head! Seriously, though, it’s time to talk some art. Who’s buying my next shot? Seriously, folks, make that a shot and a beer. Speaking of shots, have you heard the one about the fat guy?

Art: Have you heard of a thesaurus?

Tan: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with the world’s most intelligent man? Smart food, oh! I have been touched by an anus! Seriously, though…

Art: The article…

Tan: Yeah, so John Motley… the Crue called, they don’t need another drummer, give it up already! Seriously, though, your drumming can’t be any worse than your writing, maybe they will get tired of Tommy Lee constantly bringing in tons of hot famous chicks and give you a shot. Speaking of shots…

Art: What is your take on Motley’s article, Tan?

Tan: Of course, after reading the article my best piece of advice for him is this: quit your day job! Seriously, though, I hope your drumming is better than your writing. As far as this whole TILT Export, roving trash compactor gallery thing goes… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a failing Portland gallery? A failing gallery that closed and still does shows in other galleries!

Art: Your keen wit pales in comparison to your unearthly ability to consume liquor.

Tan: Seriously, though, great work, Motley. The more I drink the more I like it. Speaking of sex with my last ex-wife, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with the Portland Mercury? A circulation of over 40,000! Seriously, folks, I am drunk, and I think this installation thing that Damien Gilley and Ethan Rose put together is incredible. Looks like special ed is finally paying dividends. What do you get when you cross a fat guy and a short bus? You get boxes made out of masking tape that get smaller. Reminds me of another ex-wife, except I had to tape her box open and it never got smaller! I’m only kidding…

Art: I’m buying you another shot for that one.

Tan: Architectural blueprints really do wonders for a gallery wall, I just wish I had some for my ex-wife. I’d be hot, hard, and single! Seriously, though, unless you’re drunk or three years old, avoid the galleryHOMELAND and get back to your Master’s degree in masking tape. Only joking… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a Master’s degree? An educated guy that still can’t find his penis!

Art: I believe there is little point in continuing this. We have already given enough publicity and time to such a dire waste of non-talent. Now, Tan, if you will do the honor…

Tan: Sure thing, your majesty! This has been Visual Fart Review, Art Floyd and Tan Zeppelin signing out.