Around the Mayor’s Waist in Sixty Seconds

Good evening, Portland! Salvia Darling here, coming to you live from the side of the Willamette River. I would tell you which side, but as heartache starts to become a widespread epidemic amongst my young, female anchor-groupies, I have set my cloaking device to engage.

Portland's Mayor at a Jenny Craig seminar.

This just in! the Mayor could stand to lose some weight! The Mayor was spotted recently at a Jenny Craig seminar, and was thought to be there to rally support in the overweight female community, [censored by Salvia] Adams-haters. Just before this photo was taken, he asked the Ladies of Craig if his pants made him look fat, to which they unanimously laughed and [censored by Salvia]. I know it looks like those are his hands on his hips, but if you look close you can tell it’s actually flabby hip-meat protruding upwards. If you look really close you can see the fishing wire. Looks like somebody’s been using the elevator!

This just in! Portland Police carry guns! On Monday, March 22nd, Portland police shot an unidentified white man (sic) to death. (for those of you that need further explanation of such a fantastic event, he was homeless) Apparently, the man was [censored by Salvia] and [censored by Salvia] people at Washington Park, and when officers arrived he approached them with a razor blade, cutting his own [censored by Salvia]. The tragic thing is, a homeless guy finally gets his hands on a shaving device, and the cops shoot him for it. This is an example of Portland’s impenetrable class system at work, hey homeless guys, the powers that be in this fair city would like you to stay in your [censored by Salvia] and keep washing those windshields. Put down your razor blades, and your bars of soap. You will always be second class citizens in the Rose City. Get used to it, or get shot several times.

This just in! Caligula was an interesting person! This just in! Corey Haim was also an interesting person! Inside joke, but who isn’t interesting in this day and age? We all have camera crews following us around, we all have hair and makeup people taking care of our appearance. We have press secretaries, personal assistants, bodyguards, producers ringing the phone off the hook day and night… Underage groupies ready to bang. No wait, that’s just me.

This just in! Salvia Darling has five teenage chicks to bang tonight and only two rubbers! You do the math, people. Do I keep using the first one until it breaks, and then go with the backup, or do I bareback the three that seem the most clean, and hope for a timely pullout? Think of it like a story problem, what’s the answer to Salvia’s riddle Portland?

Drama in the Office

"Henry O" Portland City's very own basement dwelling twinkie machine. He is our backdoor to the darkest secrets of the Portland art and political scene.

Rumor has it drama is spreading across the portland art scene, spreading like a thick buttery substance that often gets spread over the mountainous ripples of my backside. If rumors are true then soon Portland could be witness to it’s own cosmic implosion of artistic butt cheese.

Recently while heading up from the basement of well known art non profit group that has a strong hold on the scene I over heard director Chris Haberman speaking on the phone with whom I suspect to be our very own mayor Sam “Teen Chaser” Adams. Though factually I cannot say it was Sam Adams on the phone with Chris Haberman but since I have encountered our Mayor on several occassions speeding behind me with vigor, hands out, tongue flapping and panting like a wet dog until of course I reared my over eighteen head and he swallowed his pride for one moment to say in exhaustion “Sorry I’m training for the CATCH THE TEEN 5K next month.” I realized a familliar sound on the other end of the phone which I recognized as the same deep breathing of our dear mayor, sounds I had heard many times before.

Squirming my way through the hall and huffing up the final step ( Did I mention they don’t build stairwells wide enough for really really fat guys ) My ears hath not deceived me as Chris Haberman spoke in a sweaty voice. “If anyone finds out we run both websites our fine image as artists supporting artists and our community will be tarnished. We’ll be hung, dipped in tar and feathered, not to mention how many less teen boys you’ll be able to sack .” ( Oh, this was the other hint that Sam Adams was on the other line )

Sweat piled up in my under garments. Well what was left of them, in the  least the parts not riding up my gorgeous chunky highway of manliness. I then realized as I swung the door open to reveal the sidewalk outside and the crumbs of Twinkies I had left to help me find my way home, Chris Haberman had said something even I Henry O’ could not believe he said. Muffling his ginormous mouth he whispered “Action needs to take place. We need to take out Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus. The others will fall if we take down their kings, like Rome Portlandcityart.com will be no more and in the wake of it’s aftermath we will look like heroes in the eyes of the art community,  as long as no one finds out that we started the website in the first place.”

What!!!! How could this be? Two websites? Different staff? all part of a plot to gain control and respect of the community and its innocent artists. I was astonished so I headed to the store for a pound of chicken, three cans of baked beans and a box of twinkies. After totally stuffing my face and exercising my bodies ability to store fat like a god I immediately contacted Tan Peluski. Him and Art Jeanyus invited me to be a member of staff in hopes to somehow put a wrench in this evil plot. I can only hope there isn’t already a rat on the inside, a trojan horse of sorts. Be fore warned, there are dark things happening at portlandcityart.org and our beloved Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus are the targets of well designed plot to manufacture simpleton artists on their knees begging for another show at the same local venue with no hope for a steady income only commsions and donations offered up in sacrifice to Chris Haberman and his crew of deliquent vigilanties.

First Thursday is Fuckin’ RAD

Art Jeanyus here, back from a world-wide expedition to bring you the latest (and not so latest) news on what’s happening out there in the past, present, and by way of my telepathic powers, the future. I’ve been on what you would call a hiatus ( sorry, I mean gone from work ) and I’ve missed a lot of important things that have been going on in this fine city.

February 8th there is some meeting on Alberta street with the prettiest pedophile with a mayoral position speak to community residents about the Last Thursday fair on Alberta. I really hope everyone goes to this, but sharing your true deep feelings I fear will be washed over by your insecurity of rocking the boat so much you may lose that $75.00 income a month from selling your art here on Alberta street. I’m hoping though there will be a few that stand out at this meeting, people who try to make a point, push that “you can’t stop us” idea. Though I must say the waves any of us make will be swallowed by the fat overweight people in power that just want to pocket what they can from a culture ( umm.. that being you artists ) that already suffer from financial woes…. Oh well, there must plenty of beer and weed to help you forget about your failures after the meeting has passed, and I know ( telepathically ) if you have to pay to show on Alberta you’ll all scrounge together a few bucks to break even while people pass your art on the street and tell you things like:

  • Will you be here all night?
  • I just have to find a cash machine.
  • I love it but I just can’t afford it.
  • Let me ask my wife first.

Admitting that the sales record on Alberta ( and the people involved ) is well below par is simply the first step. Feeling your work is worth something is another step. Sticking with it even though you may have to cut down to three beers a night and one pack of Ramen noodles for dinner. Sacrifice for your art, if it is that important. I wish you all luck, and as I pass through this dimension onto another I look forward to astral-projecting (whoops, I mean doing that blue ghost type thing that Yoda did in Star Wars ) to the scene in hopes for some kind of a surprise from some great artist that just says no. That no might turn into another and then another…..Or I guess maybe I’ll happen across first Thursday somewhere else on my way back through town, with all the fire throwers, corner bands, hippies with bad home made necklaces standing alongside 82nd street. That would be nice! Plenty of good Chinese food around that way.

Sincerely,

Your hostess with the mostest,
intergalactic hero of many talents,
and guru of all that is known and known to be,
including the pleasure centers for all carbon based life-forms…

Art Jeanyus

Things That are Hard

THIS JUST IN! Being an artist is hard. I’m talking to you guys out there, you “Art [censored by Salvia]” that are always carrying on about how things are not [censored by Salvia] or [censored by Salvia]. You are right, but if you think [censored by Salvia] as an artist is hard, check out the next incoming bulletin.

THIS JUST IN! Life is hard. So yes, you are special because you like to [censored by Salvia] around being [censored by Salvia] and acting [censored by Salvia]. Oh, poor me, I’m an artist and I can’t pay my rent. I can’t find a job. Guess what, [censored by Salvia], check out where I’m working!!! Nowhere!!! I ain’t gettin’ paid for this!!! This is free media, [censored by Salvia], I can say whatever I want and so can you! That’s not hard, but life sure as hell is!

THIS JUST IN! Art in Portland is on the rise. I almost choked on my [censored by Salvia] when I saw this headline. Guess who else was surprised? NOBODY. How could Art in Portland go any direction but up? I suppose if it had a [censored by Salvia] it could [censored by Salvia] its’ way to the center of the Earth, but we’re talking about Art in Portland. It’s in the sub-basement of the [censored by Salvia] building, people. Yes, it’s on the rise. It’s always going to be on the rise. Where do you go from rock bottom? Up, you snapperheads. Up!

THIS JUST IN! Sam Adams is still Mayor. The committee that formed to kick Mayor Adams out of office was completely unsuccessful. As a source at RecallSamAdams.com told one of our reporters: “As many of you [censored by Salvia] read in the news we came so very close to getting a recall election. I need each of you to know that all of our hard [censored by Salvia] this hot summer impressed [censored by Salvia], to the point that a group of [censored by Salvia] are now coming forward to create an [censored by Salvia] for professional campaign management and [censored by Salvia] signature gathers to work with [censored by Salvia] to reset the [censored by Salvia] on Sam Adams.” Hey, this just in, people, he’s the Mayor. It’s too late. Stop voting for someone and then [censored by Salvia] about it when you find out they are [censored by Salvia] later. He’s a politician. It’s his job to lie. If anything, next time vote for someone that is [censored by Salvia]. Vote for Tan Peluski!

Sobering Thoughts

Wow, folks. The Man About Town got hit hard this morning. Got a phone call from the doctor. Seems old Tanus Peluski here is exactly one shot of whiskey short of a brain hemorrhage. “The next drop will kill you instantly,” is the way he put it. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but whiskey is the blood of Christ in my book. I don’t even have a book. Been doing this drunken journalism thing for a long, long time. Not a thing to show for it. Not even a computer to type this on. I’m writing it down on a sheet of photocopy paper that I stole from Kinko’s, sorry, FedEx Office. Paper that is still slightly damp from my tears and a brief moment of phlegm.

She was 74, had the heart of a gorilla, and a shrill laugh like a harpy. That was my first ex-wife, and I was 30 years her junior. Made a man out of me, that is, made me pay for everything without promise of sex. My first non-whore. I learned a few things the hard way, folks. Being married to her was a lot like having a pair of barely-working kidneys. Every time it hurts when I pee, I think of her. In other words, every time I pee. In addition to unexplained rashes, doctor assisted heart attacks, and brown teeth, she also introduced me to whiskey. Old Crow was her brand. Still, though, sitting here having sober thoughts, I realize that it was not her fault I became a drunk. It was whoever invented whiskey’s fault.

Then again, my Doctor has been wrong before. He said I’d never have another erection once, and wallah! Viagra! Now I just need to wait for the Viagra of drinking problems. Here’s what apparently qualifies as quality health care these days for those of us without considerate employers.

Me: Hey, Doc, here’s my wallet. Please take everything I have, and bill me for more in a few weeks.

Doc: Drop the trousers and show me your ass.

Me: Seriously?

Doc: Don’t worry, I’m wearing a glove.

Me: Mother of Mary, I think you put it in too far!

Doc: Stop moving around!

Me: This is rape, you know, rape! Won’t you at least hold me?

Doc: Whoomp, there it is!

Me: I can taste your hand on my tongue.

Doc: Peluski, you can never drink whiskey again.

Me: Say it ain’t so, doc!

Doc: The next drop will kill you instantly!

Me: Does your finger really need to still be up my ass for this conversation?

Please, anyone that is out there listening. Tan Peluski can not go on without whiskey. Might as well just give up right now! But, see, the Man About Town is calling out for a miracle. Please, someone, anyone out there. If you are smart and good with chemicals, please dear god invent a pill that will let me drink whiskey again! I’m begging you, I swear on everything I hold dear and sacred that if I could just drink whiskey again I will change my ways as a person. I will stop marrying and divorcing twice a year, I will settle down, have some kids, maybe finish that book I never have time to write. Tell the whole world what’s going on, break it down for them. Oh, sweet Jesus, I swear it, I’ll run for Portland Mayor if you don’t give me back my whiskey! I’ll make life miserable for everyone! Give me whiskey, and I will leave the people out of it. Tan the Tomorrow Man Peluski for Mayor of Portland. You don’t want that, but I’m here to give it to you.

You can avoid all of this by inventing a blue (or other colored) pill that allows me to drink whiskey without meeting my own death. Otherwise: Vote for Tan. This is not a threat, this is a negotiation. You do not want any more of this sober Tan Peluski thing. Just trust me, you like me better as a drunken failure, help me be that again. I don’t want to have to win the mayorial race against Sam Adams next year. That will be a lot of work. Actually, it probably wouldn’t be that much work. Whiskey. Whiskey. Give me my whiskey. Or I will give you my best. Thank you, and God Bless.

Fieden and that Fennedy guy that retired……

Fieden & Fennedy!!!! Oh seriously I’m having a pancretic reaction……….  Someone call a nurse!!! Really now Andy Warhol died a long time ago right? Seriously so did Steve Rubell…. Right? No They live on in Dan wieden’s dreams with Califunya!!!! Wow! It should’ve been named Califuckya! I would watch it then!!!!!!! Really I would…. It’d be nice! A great american romaniticism about fucking in the 21st century…. Hey my ex wife and I did that for  like 45 seconds…….. It was well, not romantic and no one has seen the videos but for a small price I’ll send them to ya…..lol….. Seriously The WW ( Wilamette Week) just printed an article that well, seriously either made this ad firm look cool or full of a bunch of waisted money they could give to me… Oh! seriously!!! Come on Wieden and Kennedy I know you bought a piece of work from Chris Haberman….. Either you like getting your buttox licked or you just enjoy bad paintings on wood overlooked by 40 bottles either full of piss or beer!!!! Now that’s art!!!!Seriously!!!! It reminds me of your new endeavor, the radio/talent show/my dog just crapped on the floor broadcast…. Were you really going for that? Seriously my ex wife craps like my dog and I could have done your whole show for a six pack and some pain meds…… Oh really now!!!!!! This idea sucks…… Wish I had half a mill to give lame ass graduate creative gurus to stand a round and poop in a toilet all day….. Guess what!!!! They’d probebly find a way to deficate an image of my ex wife!!!! Seriously now that’s art!!!! Or maybe a Possum.!!!! If you want real talent how about checking out the streets for some amazing artists and creative types you can’t afford!!! Oh really now you can’t afford them that’s why……. Seriously I can’t wait to see your bad Partidge Familly sitcom fall into my ex wives crotch!!!!! seriously it’s huge…. Sorry you’re so good you lost those great big accounts… Seriously Dan wieden keep it up… Really now Califagaya… Hey what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Califunya? Falifagya!!!!!! lol!!!!! Seriously not really but that was funny……

Love ya!!!,

Tan…

The Illicit Fart of Murals – Exploring Matt Stangel’s Prettiest Underwear

Seriously, Tan here to talk about my liver, no really my liver and how it felt after I drank myself silly just to finish Matt Stangel’s article on the prettiest walls in Portland. prettiest walls? Matt the prettiest walls in Portland are in your bedroom painted with our love. Oh seriously. After that poor first paragraph where you regurgitated very little actually information about the Portland/Clear channel law suit It was clear I was in for a literal masterpiece. Really now I stopped to take a look at a photo of my ex wife then realized she was pictured in the photo of the mural at the beggining of your article. Oh seriously she is looking great! Waning sign code era? Wow! My ex wife waned but only when we had sex, Seriously. So with unfiortunate dispair ahead of me I printed out your article at Kinkos and followed your Mural walk through the city. Unbelievable! I found myself now where near the path your article was supposed to send me on, Seriously I must have been drunk! Really I was! After realized your article was becoming a pain in my kidneys I tossed it some guys yard on Belmont and headed for the nearest urgent care, I needed some pain medicine, seriously that painting of my ex wife was really getting to me. Really now nice article, can I have a heart attack now please! Seriously! Where those the only murals in Portland you could find or were those just murals of people you hadn’t bent over for recently and were looking for some brown star points for mentioning their names. Seriously my ex wife gets a brown star but not from me… Seriously she loves it. What is a brown star? Seriously what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Matt Stengal’s mural walk of the prettiest walls in Portland? This ones easy! Seriously just think a bit longer… Keep thinking.. O.k. fine, seriously ” A fat guy wishing he had never walked around looking at all of Matt’s pretty walls cause now he is tired and bored.” Seriously, there are a lot more murals out , good one’s too! Oh seriously and they are not all in SE.. Check out Chris Gayberman’s I mean Haberman’s and Jennifer mercedes on Alberta street at Francis restaurant, 2338 NE Alberta. How about Tom Kramer’s mural on NE williams and Shaver. How about work Klutch has done on the garage door of the Poy Boy art studio/frame shop and the garage door across the street from them. Seriously though I havre to take a dump, your article is goign to make great toilet paper when I am finished. Tan peluski is out of the office and headed on another adventure, really now not with my ex wife. Seriously .. o.k.. really, seriously this is it.. I’m finished..  no really… Matt Stengal like’s Jessie reno’s pubic hair, seriously… No that was joke.. really now…

John Wray is One Serious Mother Fucker

Hey folks! Man About Town here, and dear God my liver is killing me. Despite my doctor’s threats of violence if I leave my bed today, I am sitting here with none other than Portland’s own John Wray, an amazing artist and one of pinball’s true heros. This is one guy you don’t want to miss out on talking to, even when your piss is coming out purple and your kidneys have climbed into your upper back. Seriously, though, John is a man of many talents and even more beards! OK, whoa there, John, just kidding… just one beard. Seriously, now, Portland is on a need-to-know basis here, and there is plenty they need to know about art. So let’s get the skinny… and speaking of skinny, my ex-wife was not it… while some women like to wear moo-moos, she would just moo. Seriously, though!

Question: So what’s with the skulls? And I don’t mean the band! Oh!

Answer: Don’t know… I can’t get them out of my head.

Q: Great answer! Ironically enough, I can’t get my ex-wife out my head, despite the fact she never even gave me any! In all seriousness, though, what are your thoughts on the artistic endeavors of the new Rambo movie?

A: I haven’t seen the new Rambo movie not that I wouldn’t watch it.

Q: Nice! Can’t tell you how much I wish I had never seen my ex-wife! Oh, but seriously, I’m still paying the optimologist… That’s actually the truth! Speaking of which, John, boxers or briefs?

A: Boxerbriefs!

Q: Fabulous! My good friend Art loves those, says they help with his… second thought, let’s not get into that. Love the guy, but he has the tendency to show off the wares, if you know what I mean. Never understood why they have those flaps in the front, but seriously, though, how does it feel to have a name that rhymes with John Gay?

A: [John gets very serious.] You repeat that and we’ll have to go outside…

Q: John, my good man, we don’t have to be outside to be together! Only joking! Seriously, though, how do you feel about Sam Adams and what he has done for the Portland art scene?

A: I don’t know what Sam Adams does for the Portland art scene, he’s never bought one of my paintings.

Q: Unbelievable! I guess the skulls and roses thing isn’t as up his alley as, say, the Little League posters he’s got his living room wallpapered with. Seriously, though, speaking of up his alley, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with an underage bowling league? Sam Adams huffing bowling shoes like they were paint thinner! Seriously though, not that you’re 17, John, but do you find mayor Sam Adams attractive?

A: No. His hair is always messy, though, and I know for a fact that a friend of mine just cut it for him today.

Q: Really? Do you have a lot of hot, 17-year-old, male friends? Only kidding, my ex-wife was actually one of the above, but if I told you which I’d be violating a restraining order. Seriously, though, what advice do you have for up-and-coming artists?

A: Paint as much art as you can.

Q: Speaking of painting, your dad was a long standing member of ZZ Top. Are you a Sharp Dressed Man, yes or no?

A: [John laughs for the first time.] No.

Q: You’re kidding! I owe Art some money on that one, for real now… Since we’re on the subject of music, John, tell me… Does every rose really have it’s thorn?

A: Many. They’re very large and can stab you.

Q: Wow! Here I was thinking that Poison exaggerated the ratio of roses to thorns, but apparently each flower has at least one prick. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with my last ex-wife? At least two pricks! Seriously, though, John… Are you a member of the NRA?

A: I plead the fifth.

Q: Me too, but only when I’m broke and standing out front of the liquor store. Please, kind sir, could you spare a fifth? Seriously, though, wonderful to meet you, John Wray, and before I beg you for a drink is there anything else you would like to let people in Portland know?

A: Crazy Flipper Fingers RULE, all others SUCK!!!

Not to disagree with you but my ex-wife would only suck while I’m at work. I’m only kidding… Seriously, though, we covered quite a bit! Check out www.crazyflipperfingers.com, John Wray, artist and pinball genius, it has been my pleasure to discuss so many things with you today. If you will please excuse me I have a fifth waiting in the car, and I’m not talking about vodka, I’m talking about my fifth wife! Seriously, though, make that soon-to-be-ex-wife, I just saw her lawyer’s car pull up. What do you get when you cross a fat guy with my ability to maintain a marriage? Just a fat guy! Oh! I wish it weren’t true, no, but seriously, though, now that I look at the woman in question I take that back. I don’t even need a pen, I’ll sign the papers with tears of joy! Take half my liver while you’re at it, all it’s doing is weighing me down! Seriously, though, take care my friends! Lend me your livers!

Tan Peluski

Man About Town

Welcome: That Not Nice!

Resident craigslist correspondent, Baby.

Our very own resident craigslist columnist, Baby.

[robot: today after an advertisement for our fledgling little publication was posted on craigslist, some people took time out of their busy days to visit our website and posted their reactions back on craigslist. apparently they were unaware that they can say whatever they want here. anyhow, we sent our resident craigslist correspondent, Baby, out to investigate the matter further.]

POST #1: Re: Portland Art Exposed “New online magazine created to destroy the mythos of Portland’s so-called art scene” What a noble endeavor! Good to see you finally found your niche- a blog! A blog devoted to clawing at anything more successful than you, so you’ll have plenty of material. Don’t you see you are only exposing yourself? You just splashed all your negativity, failure, bitterness and spite onto a page for all the world to see. No one will respect you for it. You’re just another anti-racc whiner. With 3 petty grievances. Way to go! That’s just what I’d want to be known for. But, thanks, you’ve reminded me how repulsive a being is when they blame everything but themselves. I’ll be returning to my studio now to spend my time on something worthwhile.

BABY’S RESPONSE: You make Baby cry! You want Baby dead!

POST #2: Re: Portland Art EXPOSED What a waste of time, go whine about your pathetic life somewhere else. Nobody likes you or your sorry excuse for humor.

BABY’S RESPONSE: You make Baby sad! You kill Baby’s mommy!

POST #3: Portland Art exposed. Yes Ben Pink is the Big Problem. I used to think that RACC and DK Row were the worst things about the Portland art scene but now that you reminded me it is Ben Pink even worse than Mel Katz. There is only one salvation in Portland art’s scene now and it is the Anti art anti racc scene — http://www.xanga.com/RACCone/weblog/ Its time to have an anti Ben pink web page to complement that one. If Ben Pink has not joined us art super stars having had sex with Mayor Sex Adams I think he should. My name is Joe Blue by the way and I would love to meet Ben Pink some day up close in personal. The two of us could be instant Pink and Blue together! Fuck Portland. Fuck RACC. Art is dead. Let smoke dope and pray. My favorite painting in portland art museum:

BABY’S RESPONSE: You say bad words! That not nice! You make Baby’s tummy hurt!

POST #4: so I have a pretty good idea who that anti-racc guy is http://www.myspace.com/portlandguy_awesomeness no offense love, I’ve been there when you’ve mentioned some of your references. (:

BABY’S RESPONSE: You stranger! You sell Baby for drugs!

POST #5: RE: Portland Art Exposed (the pit of despair that is my life) hating art must be a great past time. enjoy!

BABY’S RESPONSE: You yucky! You want Baby naked!

[robot: that wraps up our craiglist coverage for the day, it’s late and Baby needs to go night-night. you can reach baby at baby@portlandcityart.com, goodnight]

BABY’S RESPONSE: Again! Again!