The Mystery of the Dirty Underwear!

Oh seriously!  Dirty Underwear! I love dirty Underwear! What about dirty Underwood. Oh really now, no not the country singer but the country singee in my pants.. Really now. I was taking my eveing bath. Oh for real now evening bath…Can I laugh out loud! LOL! There we go, seriously I was scrubbing last nights excriment from my underside when I noticed a pair of dirty underwear on my bathroom floor. O.k. the floor of the gas station down the street to the office but still I use that place all the time. What a disgrace! Really now, o.k. I picked them up… I know I know. .Tan, what the hell did you do that for! Seriously though some of my drink had spilled onto them and I wanted to squeeze out what I could.. Oh really now this is nasty I know.. So I squeezed and I giant brown ice cube fell into my glass!!!!!! Really now I smiled in awe. God was looking out for me. He sent a frozen chocalte ice cube down from heaven to adorn my glass of liquor with.. What a guy, or thing or cosmic being, whatever. It was awesome, like when I said my ex wifes name while trying to find my other ex wifes box…. Oh really now speaking of box my ex wife had one but it was never hot… Oh seriously… So back to my chocolate ice cube. It ws delicious!!! Really like a summer treat! So I’m on the look out for the kind being that left those dirty underwear in the bathroom. Anyone? Anyone? Did you know it was a vessel for the lords bidding…? Of course you did1 Seriously chocolate ice cube giver send me wears, more of them my drink is getting warm and the chocolate is melting into a gooshy, mooshy sea of yummy mess. I must keep this Gin cold….

Drama in the Office

"Henry O" Portland City's very own basement dwelling twinkie machine. He is our backdoor to the darkest secrets of the Portland art and political scene.

Rumor has it drama is spreading across the portland art scene, spreading like a thick buttery substance that often gets spread over the mountainous ripples of my backside. If rumors are true then soon Portland could be witness to it’s own cosmic implosion of artistic butt cheese.

Recently while heading up from the basement of well known art non profit group that has a strong hold on the scene I over heard director Chris Haberman speaking on the phone with whom I suspect to be our very own mayor Sam “Teen Chaser” Adams. Though factually I cannot say it was Sam Adams on the phone with Chris Haberman but since I have encountered our Mayor on several occassions speeding behind me with vigor, hands out, tongue flapping and panting like a wet dog until of course I reared my over eighteen head and he swallowed his pride for one moment to say in exhaustion “Sorry I’m training for the CATCH THE TEEN 5K next month.” I realized a familliar sound on the other end of the phone which I recognized as the same deep breathing of our dear mayor, sounds I had heard many times before.

Squirming my way through the hall and huffing up the final step ( Did I mention they don’t build stairwells wide enough for really really fat guys ) My ears hath not deceived me as Chris Haberman spoke in a sweaty voice. “If anyone finds out we run both websites our fine image as artists supporting artists and our community will be tarnished. We’ll be hung, dipped in tar and feathered, not to mention how many less teen boys you’ll be able to sack .” ( Oh, this was the other hint that Sam Adams was on the other line )

Sweat piled up in my under garments. Well what was left of them, in the  least the parts not riding up my gorgeous chunky highway of manliness. I then realized as I swung the door open to reveal the sidewalk outside and the crumbs of Twinkies I had left to help me find my way home, Chris Haberman had said something even I Henry O’ could not believe he said. Muffling his ginormous mouth he whispered “Action needs to take place. We need to take out Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus. The others will fall if we take down their kings, like Rome Portlandcityart.com will be no more and in the wake of it’s aftermath we will look like heroes in the eyes of the art community,  as long as no one finds out that we started the website in the first place.”

What!!!! How could this be? Two websites? Different staff? all part of a plot to gain control and respect of the community and its innocent artists. I was astonished so I headed to the store for a pound of chicken, three cans of baked beans and a box of twinkies. After totally stuffing my face and exercising my bodies ability to store fat like a god I immediately contacted Tan Peluski. Him and Art Jeanyus invited me to be a member of staff in hopes to somehow put a wrench in this evil plot. I can only hope there isn’t already a rat on the inside, a trojan horse of sorts. Be fore warned, there are dark things happening at portlandcityart.org and our beloved Tan Peluski and Art Jeanyus are the targets of well designed plot to manufacture simpleton artists on their knees begging for another show at the same local venue with no hope for a steady income only commsions and donations offered up in sacrifice to Chris Haberman and his crew of deliquent vigilanties.

I Wear My Sunglasses All the Fuckin’ Time $1,000,000,000,000 Bankroll Sucka!

I wear my sunglasses whenever the fuck I want, know why? Cause I’m a big deal. There might be an avalanche at any second, and my eyes will not be blinded because of that. If something happened to my eyes, since I’m a big deal, there would be a big problem. I wouldn’t be able to see talent anymore. My eyes are experts at detecting talent and genius, and that’s why I’m a big time producer. You’ve seen my shows on TV, trust me. If you have a pulse. No pun intended.

Speaking of pulse, my finger is on it. I am between shoots, and I owe Art Jeanyus several million dollars for his spot-on advice about stocks. That amount is nothing to me, but he said I could write a column for his publication to cover the debt. Several million dollars for a few minutes of my time? My thoughts are that important. My eyes are that good.

For my column, I will, while wearing sunglasses, type in “Portland artist” into Bing (because I am a Microsoft stockholder, aka, big time) and let you know the results. I don’t expect to see much, I mean, what is Portland? A city or a small town? Is it on a map, could you show me? Wow. Thank you Bing. There is totally a map.

  1. Tom Repasky (portlandoregonartist.com)
    Good luck with the job search, Tom. Really, and I mean the best of luck.
  2. Anne John (annejohn.com)
    Bird painting meets penis painting, and done very skillfully. Hey, Anne, obviously you could use a little more penis with your bird, if you know what I mean, and I wish I could help with that but unfortunately I am married to my career.
  3. Jenna Schneider (jennamakeupartist.com)
    She’s a make-up artist. In other words, I have probably banged her, and if she had any talent, I would remember her, which I don’t.
  4. Jessica Belknap (jessicabelknap.com)
    Another make-up artist, you can see why I’ve banged so many. The competition is heavy, being a producer… You get what I’m saying. Jessica, sorry don’t remember you either. Which direction is Portland, anyways? I had no idea it was so heavy with make-up artists. Man, I could be getting laid right now in Portland, what’s the ratio of TV producer to make-up artist in Portland anyways?
  5. Laura Russo Gallery (laurarusso.com)
    I wanna sex you up, tick tock, ya don’t stop. This is a gallery, not an artist. Foiled again.

So far the first five people I can find on Bing under “portland artist”, contain two artists, two make-up artists (aka skeeze), and a gallery. Hmm.

Anne John is the winner on all counts. Whatever the Laura Russo Gallery is displaying on my screen right now, well, it’s making me want to go down there just to spit on the damn thing. Horrible. Who the hell is Jack Portland? Is that like your version of Hollywood Hogan? The Ultimate Warrior paints with knives, by the way. That’s your last hint, my show, it stars a wrestler. You’ve totally seen it. I’ll tell you next time.

Sword in Your Stone (sung to the tune of Nights in White Satin)

i’m gonna put my sword in your stone
and it’s gonna make you moan
all night long
and come morning
your statuesque body is gonna be used to my bone

oh it’s gonna make you feel so goooood
when i stick it in it’s gonna make you feel so gooooood
oh make my body tumble with pleasure girl
that’s so good the way you do that to me
so gooooood
so gooooood
so gooooooooooooood
i’m gonna ride you around the room, girl
and you’re gonna like the way it happens
cause i’m a stallion
but i’m not italian
have a taste of my sausage
that tastes like a losenge
gonna make your throat get sore
but that’s just my hors – deh – vors
because the main thing on my menu tonight, girl
uh!
uh! uh!
i said the main thing on my menu tonight
is your wet sloppin’
toes poppin’
slippery wet napkin dispenser
toaster for one
the jacuzzi of macuzzi
slidin’ it in
slidin’ it in
oh yeah
you know you love it
slidin’ it in
slidin’ it in
feels good
you know you love it
put my sausage non-italian weenie
in your slimy and sloppy slot

i’m gonna put my sword in your stone
i’m gonna put my sword in your stone
and it’s gonna make you moan
cause i put my sword in your stone
all night long
my sword in your stone
and come morning
after my sword’s been in your stone all night
your statuesque body is gonna be used to my bone
that is my sword

and when i say stone
i mean

PU-SSSSSSSSSSSSS-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HEEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

P S S Y!
P S S Y!
P S S Y!

STONE!
STONE!

SWORD IN STONE!
SWORD IN STONE!

GONNA PUT MY SWORD!
IN YOUR STONE!

GONNA PUT MY BONE!
IN YOUR P S S Y!

GONNA FUCK IT!
MAKE IT ALL M S S MINE!

The Peluski Position: Ex-Wives

Seriously now! This is “OH MY LIVER!” My ex wife just called… Taffy Fawn… Seriously I just started writing this and she called…..

Taffy, really I don’t mean to blow the whole Jesus rescued me thing….. Seriously I had to tell her…. She was angry and that’s an understatement I mean she did marry me… After so requesting an immediate divorce…. We have to talk Taffy… I know it’s been some time since our Sandy Blvd. meetings at Voodoo Doughtnuts with all the… Seriously… Hip urban crowd of Portland but she wants more Alimony….. You know my liver can’t take this……. Taffy Will you pray with me!!!???!! Taffy all my love I gave to you. even after those times you couldn”t get my pants off and…Seriously I got off anyway….. Taffy does Jesus have a plan for me too…. Is it redemption? I’ve gone down a deep hole Taffy…and it isn’t my ex wive’s…. It’s a hole of darkness Taffy and I can see my liver asking for Cheetos now…. It’s a mean liver…. All it wants is Cheetos…. That’s mean Taffy… Is my liver Jesus….. Seriously..? Save me Taffy….

First Thursday is Fuckin’ RAD

Art Jeanyus here, back from a world-wide expedition to bring you the latest (and not so latest) news on what’s happening out there in the past, present, and by way of my telepathic powers, the future. I’ve been on what you would call a hiatus ( sorry, I mean gone from work ) and I’ve missed a lot of important things that have been going on in this fine city.

February 8th there is some meeting on Alberta street with the prettiest pedophile with a mayoral position speak to community residents about the Last Thursday fair on Alberta. I really hope everyone goes to this, but sharing your true deep feelings I fear will be washed over by your insecurity of rocking the boat so much you may lose that $75.00 income a month from selling your art here on Alberta street. I’m hoping though there will be a few that stand out at this meeting, people who try to make a point, push that “you can’t stop us” idea. Though I must say the waves any of us make will be swallowed by the fat overweight people in power that just want to pocket what they can from a culture ( umm.. that being you artists ) that already suffer from financial woes…. Oh well, there must plenty of beer and weed to help you forget about your failures after the meeting has passed, and I know ( telepathically ) if you have to pay to show on Alberta you’ll all scrounge together a few bucks to break even while people pass your art on the street and tell you things like:

  • Will you be here all night?
  • I just have to find a cash machine.
  • I love it but I just can’t afford it.
  • Let me ask my wife first.

Admitting that the sales record on Alberta ( and the people involved ) is well below par is simply the first step. Feeling your work is worth something is another step. Sticking with it even though you may have to cut down to three beers a night and one pack of Ramen noodles for dinner. Sacrifice for your art, if it is that important. I wish you all luck, and as I pass through this dimension onto another I look forward to astral-projecting (whoops, I mean doing that blue ghost type thing that Yoda did in Star Wars ) to the scene in hopes for some kind of a surprise from some great artist that just says no. That no might turn into another and then another…..Or I guess maybe I’ll happen across first Thursday somewhere else on my way back through town, with all the fire throwers, corner bands, hippies with bad home made necklaces standing alongside 82nd street. That would be nice! Plenty of good Chinese food around that way.

Sincerely,

Your hostess with the mostest,
intergalactic hero of many talents,
and guru of all that is known and known to be,
including the pleasure centers for all carbon based life-forms…

Art Jeanyus

The Gruesome Artwork of Cathie Joy Young!

Man About Town, Tan Peluskie here. Seriously sobriety is hurtign me more and more each day. My liver screams into my gentiles and then I was taken from my paint with a moderate sigh of relief. Not relief from pain though as I  immediately came across some images that not only caused me pain, oh seriously and they were not of my ex wife but one does look like one of them after a night of drinking.

Folks I’m a serious the colors, the shapes, they put me in disaray. I’ve been confused and sickened for days. Where is my copy of Catcher in the Rye I feel the assasination of my liver coming on. These images have burned there uninteresting for and use of creativity into my eye sockets, no the backs of my eye sockets, seriosuly no my liver can see them. I thought at first is this some government conspiracy? Did the government secretly plant a CIA agaent into portland that is sending us messages of rebelious distaste and desire for that which is not good at all….. Oh my god, it’s true! Seriously I am still hurting, Oh my Hemroid just ruptured or was it my spleen, no I cannot sit down my hemroids are fine. Folks what are we to do. In this case much like any case having to do with my ex wives I must intertwine my article with another and end this with yet another Top Ten Things not do in Portland

  1. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  2. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  3. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  4. Ever ever think of purchasing Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  5. Ever ever think of telling someone else to purchase Cathie Joy youngs artwork
  6. Walk buy or near the Guardino Gallery until February 23rd. Why you ask? Seriously!
  7. Stay away from the Guardino Gallery people Cathie Joy Young has painting there
  8. No don not go to the Guardino Gallery for Cathie’s show even if there is free booze
  9. Drink free booze somewhere far awat from a Cathie Joy Young painting
  10. Speak of Cathie Joy Youngs paintings…

Seriously folks they will burn hole into the deepest caverns of your rectum and make you feel less of a painter after you’ve recovered fro mthe blinding atrocity of their mirad existance……

You welcome for being your savior, sincerely

Man About Town,
Tan Peluski