I’m Still Standing!

Greetings, one and all.

It’s me, Von Moltey, comang to you liv from my feeeeeeet. You see, my freinds, I can still stand and touc hthat rainbow. As god our shining light of beauty like the sun wuold say, “You can stnd motley, y ou can stannnd n ow go out and br i ngh lovce unttto the llike a butterflluy.” I realllly l ike Bbuttergflies They r colkorful and flluttterf.. Smniles!!!

I’m stlli sstandinn,Yeyah, yayah, yeh. **** yeh.

Sorry floks, it’s kind of hrad to tpye with jsut your teos. I supppose if I had hands, I culd stnad on tehm whlie I type, but unfrotuntealy tohse were romeved in lsat week’s offce rito. rior. rior. rior. ****! RIOT. Hosw Measn and Not Pfetty that Was, Ecveryone Was Angruy and I sawe Verry littyle Lobve in the Aird.. But see, I always look on the brghit side of things. RIOT? Do you konw anynone else that can hop and tpye btter than this godd? Godd cvan…. He is everythingh and eveerywheres he;s beauuitful and Shiney..

There IS no CAPS-LOCK key on tihs typrwitr, if it’s a Z or a ‘?’ you wnat, I can do it with 1 foot. All the lowercase as well. Oh Wekll Lovellyt Flowers are Nicert

True, I only get paid to write 400 words every now and again, but if I was gittng piad huorllly intsaed? Cmoe on, I’d be lvivnng in my own palce. palce. palce. ****! PALACE! ****, Likeds A pretty Happoy Fairey.. Withy Shiney wingsh.

RAys ofg Sunshjinee!!!@@@!!

Jion Miotley…MOt.

Do tohse cuont as wrods? I’m jsut giong to say tehy do unelss someeonne portsets, of cuurse, in wihich csae I wuold toltay pcik FIVE MORE WORDS! ha!

My sgainutre is cimong up.

Evyertihng is Grat,
Johan Von Metsla

Goood nghit.

God bay.

Frarwell.

Unitl the nxet tmie.

My firedns.

HPO! HOP! HOP! ha!

****. 230, 231, 232, OK exacctly 231.

Wrod cuont tooool: Word ConuT oool.com/ Cheek taht out. Now ecaxly 243. ****. Well, I may as weell sayy.

Tihs is wirrten in ENLLGishH.

Wahts goood aobut that? Did I mntion taht I cna tpye a ? wthoiuht HOP?

BOING?

2 FEET?

1 sec. sum1 jsut gvae me an ieda.

4 lttr wrds only. save on type.

type more accu rate. sped up work.

paid fast. not paid slow.

$0.40 for 400 wrds? not good. but no arms? good. all they sayn is u wrds r bttr than u time. i writ in 40 min utes. that make pay 1 cent per min ute. 60 cent per hour. not bad. i also dont wash hnad. ever. hate hand. **** u? slow and good.

WORD LIMIT? ha? 344, were gggggggggg get ther real soon.

400. My sgainutre is cimong up in 15 words.

Evyertihng is Grat,
Johan Von Metsla

that make sit 366. +34. =dun. fini. no more. go home. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry good. cry help. then kick ***? cuz i got feet so fast they seem like 4 feet not 2 feet. 394. 5 more.

hot eat u a pop sicl ****?

PortlandCityArt.com ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE!

Folks, Ladies and hippies… Portland Guys from Eugene to Astoria… Strippers, coffee shop/bar/gallery owners, Richard Spear, Jon Motley and the city of Portland itself.

After a long inner staff war with our current writers (leaving some of them limbless, some of them toothless, and one of them dead on the scene), we are proud to say that our site is back on track. As for the battle, here are some highlights from the rage of bloodshed.

Tan Peluski left early on. Stumbling through a crowd of swinging bats and knives, he took some paperwork, a bottle of Jack and 3 transvestite strippers that Art brought to the staff party as a joke. At this moment, even with all available law enforcement agencies scouring the countryside trying to determine his whereabouts, Tan is still nowhere to be found.

Ten minutes into the fight, the world’s most intelligent man, Art Jeanyus, devised a brilliant plan of escape by tying a group of hippies to a McDonald’s bag, convincing them it was filled with a toxic gas that would kill every bunny in the world. He slipped into the middle of them and made his way through the crowd like a kid in a clothes rack at Kmart. What a man! Two of his roped foes did suffer several knife wounds, but thankfully there was no toxic gas and Art is back on the staff.

Bosom Bunny, our favorite sexy vixen of vivaciousness either left with Tan or left with one of the cops. Either way: go for it guys! Bosom is a special treat! Wink, wink!

Johnson Von Motley was found whispering happy thoughts to Merle the Magnificent after the magician POOFED! his arms away, but thankfully for everyone involved Johnson was OK with that. That guy sure knows how to find the bright side of everything. Motley is back on active duty, and has worked hard to learn how to type with his toes. So have no fear, you won’t miss any good thoughts about everything out there that Portland has to offer… Even crappy art. Oh sorry, Johnson! The great art with stars and flowers bouncing off of it in rainbow colors… Geez, what a load!

In the end, though, as we skip all the stabbing and bats upside heads and legs, Shaggy the Dog and Robert Brian Henry (more commonly referred to as ‘Angry White Guy’) teamed up on our beloved Chuck O. Cheese. In a picturesque type of way, though, I must admit… Robert was screaming about little boys eating popsicles and Shaggy the Dog, well… He was just barking. In what can only be described as an immaculate display of teamwork, Henry and Shaggy delivered a flurry of accurate blows to the fuzzy mouse costumee, and in an ironic twist (considering his stories about little kids’ moms), Chuck O. Cheese “went down”. We thought that would be the end of that, but oh we could not have been more mistaken. Robert Brian Henry approached Cheese from the backside and… Well, pardon my French, but let’s just say our dear mouse was enjoyed in quite an angry way. Simultaneously, Shaggy the Dog ate his head. Not just the costume, the entire thing. Completely. That dog can seriously fucking eat.

So with those two suspended from the staff, Chuck O. Cheese in popsicle boy heaven, and Tan still on the run, we start over this July with the hopes and dreams of bigger, better, and brighter future here at PortlandCityArt.com.

Tan, the Tomorrow Man, if you’re out there, PLEASE COME HOME!!!

Always Look on the Bright Side

First of all, let me say this: Thank you to the class-act art community in Portland for doing the right thing and complaining enough to get me this job, you have no idea how tired I am of eating watered-down ketchup and saltines, as pleasant as they are if you have enough water.

Now, I know that there are really great artists all over the city that have absolutely no skills that anyone would pay them for, but it’s totally not their fault, and I don’t mean to make them jealous or anything mean like that because I have a job now and they don’t… no toe stepping here! Painting, belly dancing, and spoken word, these aren’t choices an artist makes, they are talents that they were born with. To do anything else would just be CRAZY! They absolutely have no other choice to create art ALL THE TIME even if it means they have to make sacrifices like driving a stick-shift or riding a fixed gear bike, and here’s a newsflash folks: we’re in a recession… I think I saw an artist waiting for the bus yesterday. THE BUS!

So I don’t want any of you really cool people out there in the Portland art community to think that I don’t know how super lucky I am to have an upbeat sounding last name, a really positive attitude, and basic typing skills, which are all I needed to land this gig. Apparently there was something like 4 or 5 people out there complaining about all the negativity found in this publication. Now, I haven’t taken the time out to read any of it, although I’m sure it’s all quite delightful, but because of this uproar Portland City Art has a new policy. From now on, there must always be at least one positive journalist on staff. They’re calling it “pleasant action”, and personally I am really feeling good about it.

I could go on and on about how amazing life is here in the city of Portland, but I have a strict (and dare I say slightly unpleasant) limit of 400 words for my column (counting my signature). If it gets enough positive feedback, as I’m sure it will, I’m betting that limit will be lifted by

Everything is Great,
Johnson Von Motley