The Alberta Street Controversy

Good riddance, and a big thank you to Tan Peluski for letting me write his column. He has been ill, but sends his best. Important things await me this evening. Dinner with Vera Katz followed by a waxing and if we’re lucky a little horseback. Ha, I just realized that later tonight I’m going to be “Running down a dream” literally! Sex on the Titties.

Anyhow, for those of you who are not familiar with my public record, I am Dottie Barksdale, and here is a timeline of events which are all important to note when addressing the controversy surrounding Last Thursday on Alberta Street.

  • 01/01/2010
    I was appointed Director of the grassroots organization
    Alberta Street Residents Against Last Thursday (ASRALT)
    whose mission statement is the same as its’ name.
  • 01/02/2010
    I addressed representatives of ASRALT and announced
    my choice of focus for the organization: parking meters.

  • 01/05/2010
    I caught a lucky break on craigslist.
    A gentleman by the name of Mr. Spice was selling
    a truck full of parking meters at a flat cost of $5000.
    With money from petty cash, I drove to meet
    Mr. Spice and traded the cash for keys to the truck.

  • 01/07/2010
    Me and a bunch of volunteers from ASRALT went around putting
    the parking meters up on Alberta Street. Since we’re not an official organization,
    or representatives of the government, we were able to do so with no signage.
  • 01/07/2010
    I gave out my first parking ticket to a smelly guy playing a guitar.
    I explained to him that if he wanted to park himself or anything else
    on my Alberta Street, he was going to have to keep feeding the nearest meter.
    He acted like this was an outrage, and the crowd started to get behind him,
    but then I pointed out all the change in his guitar case. What a selfish prick.
  • 01/28/2010
    Last Thursday. Most people had accepted the meters by now,
    but there was still a little grumbling about it. Especially in the “arts community”.
    Anyone that found themselves on Alberta Street quickly found out how things worked.
    You either keep moving, or you pay the nearest meter to park. Anybody that didn’t
    pay to park got a ticket. Sure people were pissed off at first, but once they realized that
    the tickets were not real, most were so grateful to have dodged a parking ticket,
    they gladly started feeding the meters. Money was beginning to flow.
  • 01/29/2010
    The next day we unloaded the parking meters.
    I personally counted every nickel: $807,000 and change !!!
    We couriered a check to the Mayor, a donation to the city,
    along with a note about how much we would appreciate
    an end to Last Thursdays on Alberta.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters, give me your ears. Last Thursdays on Alberta Street are over. You’re welcome to show up and keep feeding my meters, but there will be no more public displays of affection. There will be no more public displays of intoxication. There will be no more public displays of people being weird. Nobody likes weird, not even in Portland. So just stop it already. I suggest you move it along to the Up-and-Coming Gallery, where up-and-coming artists can display their work if they are skillful enough to beat Up and Coming owner at Asteroids. That would seem to be a better use of your quarters, but like I said, if you want to give them to me I will offer no complaint. I will give them to the Mayor, he will give them to the city, and the city will give them back to you in the form of police protection making sure that weirdness never shows its face again on Alberta Street. In other words, making it a better place.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters (i.e. white people with college degrees and no money) the city is grateful to you for doing your part in chasing off the people who were there before, but it is now time for you to get with the program. You are beginning to be a headache, even to teenagers. You are the broom, and you did a good job sweeping, but now it is time for tax-paying citizens like myself to enjoy the clean, swept floor. So off you go, I hear your services would be appreciated in Gresham, and perhaps further out in the other directions as well. Like my boyhood crush, Tom Petty, would say: “Don’t come around here no more.”

~ Dottie Barksdale

Knife Clown, Ice Pussy

Charles: Hey, everybody!

Munson: Here, here!

Charles: Yeah, over here! We won’t bite!

Munson: I do exclaim!

Charles: We just got back from… ART COUNTRY!

Munson: Charles, you’re not going to tell them about the…

Charles: Oh yes I am!

Munson: No, you can’t tell them about the…

Charles: Oh yes I can!

Munson: I need to sit down!

Charles: OK, Portland, are you ready for Adventures in Art Country™ ?

Munson: I seem to be out of “punch”!

Charles quickly refills Munson’s punch glass with more “punch”.

Munson: Why thank you, chum-o-mine!

Charles sits down in a big, cozy chair covered in pillows, and begins to use his serious voice.

Charles: Last week, Munson and I heard rumors of a performance artist living in the City of Gresham. Her name is Aggressive Clown, and she has been performing non-stop for 15 years.

Munson: 15 years is a long time!

Charles: Yeah, I know. That’s why I mentioned it.

Munson: Long time! I’m just saying!

Charles: For 15 years straight Aggressive Clown has been mesmerizing Gresham residentes with a tidal wave of knife play, knife throwing, knife games, smoking while holding a knife, knife animals, knife tricks, and knife comedy.

Munson: A clown with a knife!

Charles: Remember the video where Portland artist and wildman Charlie Alan Kraft spends the first 22 seconds playing with his nipples?

Munson: Yeah, that was really gay!

Charles: Well it doesn’t hold a candle to Aggressive Clown. That was like, 9 minutes of performance art. Aggressive has been going at it for 15 years straight!

Munson: A clown with a knife! In Gresham!

Charles: So we tracked down this Aggressive Clown, right?

Munson: You can say that again!

Charles: So we tracked down this Aggressive Clown, right? (lol)

Munson: You said it again! (lol)

Charles: Munson, would you describe Aggressive Clown as being a bit unfriendly?

Munson: Rather unfriendly!

Charles: So we get there, and we’re hanging out with the crazy clown chick. The way she makes a living as a performance artist is simple. You put a dollar in her belt, and she does something with a knife. The first dollar I put in, she licked the knife and smiled at me. The next dollar I put in, she held the knife in her teeth, and got down on all fours.

Munson: Keep in mind, she was dressed like a clown!

Charles: Exactly, my friend.

Munson: Tell them about the ice thing.

Charles: I was just about to mention the ice thing.

Munson: Great!

Charles: So once I had given Aggressive Clown something like fifty bucks, things got a little different.

Munson: Fitty bucks!

Charles: She pulls out this ice cube… and sticks it in her pussy.

Munson: Puts the ice cube in her pussy!

Charles: Then she pops the ice cube out…

Munson: Ice pussy!

Charles: Then she puts the ice cube in my mouth!

Charles: The crazy thing is, the whole time she’s doing this… there’s the tip of her knife, an inch away from my eye!

Munson: Ice pussy! (rofl)

Charles: I’m just saying. To all the performance art fans out there…

  1. get $50
  2. travel to Gresham
  3. find a chick dressed like a clown
  4. give her $1
    • if she does something with a knife, continue…
    • if she does NOT do something with a knife, go back to step 3…
  5. give her the rest of the $50

Munson: You’re gonna be glad you did!

Charles: Until next time… Enjoy your Adventures in Art Country!

Ten MORE Things NOT to Do in Portland

First I want to use the big word “Apologize” which means sorry and I say this because I have not been on here much lately. To explain every detail of my time spent else where would no doubt confuse you all and send you into mass hysteria ( Oh shit! ) I mean panic. So in short and with little words I have spent well over a month working in space on a global ( crap! )  Star wars ( shit! ) cool dishes in space that puts out messages with light to protect our planet from intergalactic ( whoops!  other places with little round balls near by like earth. ) warfare. So with all that said we can move on to this weeks”Top Ten Things Not to do In Portland” Alright folks, hippies, vegans, artists and fancy pants political icons (people who common folk look up to that stand for something they agree with.) Now!

What NOT to Do in Portland!

  1. Wear camouflage jeans outside of the woods or from under a bridge!
  2. Have a cell phone plan that is not with Cricket!
  3. Forget to apply for foodstamps!
  4. Purchase art work from Charlie Alan Kraft
  5. Date a stripper!
  6. Have a baby with a stripper!
  7. Tell people you live in Gresham!
  8. Stand on the street corner not asking for change!
  9. Actually come from Oregon.
  10. Pick up your cigarette butts!

Ten Things NOT to Do in Portland

Wow, Well folks, dudes and strippers we had a good run with our commentary on the art scene. I know that first sentence really confused everyone out there, so allow me to spell it out for you… on your level.

Yo! It was rad, dude. We were just rapping about Portland art. Yeah, man, that was super fuckin’ cool. After the riot/ brawl/ war that happened in our office, and with the faculty now questioning where this website is headed, we have all come to conclusion that as professionals… (whoops!) …as people with degrees other then bar hopping we have all decided we need to spread our educated skills into new realms. Realms means places. So as the website expands (shit!) I mean, gets bigger, we will be advising (damn it!) assisting (shit!) I mean holding your hands on the ins and outs, the hip and not hip, the cool and the lame (as you would say) happenings in Portland. Everything from news, weather, clubs, bands, Beer fests (a lot of beer fests) and sights to be seen. Of course, art will always be one of our major focuses at Portlandcityart.com, but there is so much more to discuss (christ!) talk about. So to kick off this new spin on one of the greatest periodicals (fuck!) things with words I have ever worked on, I will be writing my column in more bite-sized chunks. You people love top ten lists, and you shall have them. Enjoy!

THINGS NOT TO DO IN PORTLAND

  1. Keep your cat in the house.
  2. Ride a bike that has more than one gear.
  3. Respect other cultures.
  4. Drink Bud Light (unless you live in Gresham).
  5. Be sober.
  6. Have a fulltime job.
  7. Have sex with a vegan.
  8. Refuse to show your art at a bar or coffee shop (everyone does, you’re not special).
  9. Forget to apply to art school.
  10. Be heterosexual!

   
Sincerely,

Art Jeanyus
the well educated genius of contemporary philosophy and the human condition