John Wray is One Serious Mother Fucker

Hey folks! Man About Town here, and dear God my liver is killing me. Despite my doctor’s threats of violence if I leave my bed today, I am sitting here with none other than Portland’s own John Wray, an amazing artist and one of pinball’s true heros. This is one guy you don’t want to miss out on talking to, even when your piss is coming out purple and your kidneys have climbed into your upper back. Seriously, though, John is a man of many talents and even more beards! OK, whoa there, John, just kidding… just one beard. Seriously, now, Portland is on a need-to-know basis here, and there is plenty they need to know about art. So let’s get the skinny… and speaking of skinny, my ex-wife was not it… while some women like to wear moo-moos, she would just moo. Seriously, though!

Question: So what’s with the skulls? And I don’t mean the band! Oh!

Answer: Don’t know… I can’t get them out of my head.

Q: Great answer! Ironically enough, I can’t get my ex-wife out my head, despite the fact she never even gave me any! In all seriousness, though, what are your thoughts on the artistic endeavors of the new Rambo movie?

A: I haven’t seen the new Rambo movie not that I wouldn’t watch it.

Q: Nice! Can’t tell you how much I wish I had never seen my ex-wife! Oh, but seriously, I’m still paying the optimologist… That’s actually the truth! Speaking of which, John, boxers or briefs?

A: Boxerbriefs!

Q: Fabulous! My good friend Art loves those, says they help with his… second thought, let’s not get into that. Love the guy, but he has the tendency to show off the wares, if you know what I mean. Never understood why they have those flaps in the front, but seriously, though, how does it feel to have a name that rhymes with John Gay?

A: [John gets very serious.] You repeat that and we’ll have to go outside…

Q: John, my good man, we don’t have to be outside to be together! Only joking! Seriously, though, how do you feel about Sam Adams and what he has done for the Portland art scene?

A: I don’t know what Sam Adams does for the Portland art scene, he’s never bought one of my paintings.

Q: Unbelievable! I guess the skulls and roses thing isn’t as up his alley as, say, the Little League posters he’s got his living room wallpapered with. Seriously, though, speaking of up his alley, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with an underage bowling league? Sam Adams huffing bowling shoes like they were paint thinner! Seriously though, not that you’re 17, John, but do you find mayor Sam Adams attractive?

A: No. His hair is always messy, though, and I know for a fact that a friend of mine just cut it for him today.

Q: Really? Do you have a lot of hot, 17-year-old, male friends? Only kidding, my ex-wife was actually one of the above, but if I told you which I’d be violating a restraining order. Seriously, though, what advice do you have for up-and-coming artists?

A: Paint as much art as you can.

Q: Speaking of painting, your dad was a long standing member of ZZ Top. Are you a Sharp Dressed Man, yes or no?

A: [John laughs for the first time.] No.

Q: You’re kidding! I owe Art some money on that one, for real now… Since we’re on the subject of music, John, tell me… Does every rose really have it’s thorn?

A: Many. They’re very large and can stab you.

Q: Wow! Here I was thinking that Poison exaggerated the ratio of roses to thorns, but apparently each flower has at least one prick. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with my last ex-wife? At least two pricks! Seriously, though, John… Are you a member of the NRA?

A: I plead the fifth.

Q: Me too, but only when I’m broke and standing out front of the liquor store. Please, kind sir, could you spare a fifth? Seriously, though, wonderful to meet you, John Wray, and before I beg you for a drink is there anything else you would like to let people in Portland know?

A: Crazy Flipper Fingers RULE, all others SUCK!!!

Not to disagree with you but my ex-wife would only suck while I’m at work. I’m only kidding… Seriously, though, we covered quite a bit! Check out www.crazyflipperfingers.com, John Wray, artist and pinball genius, it has been my pleasure to discuss so many things with you today. If you will please excuse me I have a fifth waiting in the car, and I’m not talking about vodka, I’m talking about my fifth wife! Seriously, though, make that soon-to-be-ex-wife, I just saw her lawyer’s car pull up. What do you get when you cross a fat guy with my ability to maintain a marriage? Just a fat guy! Oh! I wish it weren’t true, no, but seriously, though, now that I look at the woman in question I take that back. I don’t even need a pen, I’ll sign the papers with tears of joy! Take half my liver while you’re at it, all it’s doing is weighing me down! Seriously, though, take care my friends! Lend me your livers!

Tan Peluski

Man About Town

Approximate @ galleryHOMELAND

Art: Pleasure to work with you, Tan. Your swollen red nose and beer stained shirt precede you. Our subject today is rather simpleton, we have been asked to critique a John Motley article from the Portland Mercury, a darling little publication worth its’ weight in soiled bedsheets. In it he praises the collaborative installation, Approximate, currently disturbing those unfortunate enough to find themselves scurrying the hallways of galleryHOMELAND. I believe I will let you have the floor, Tan, as this sort of thing deserves your brand of commentary.

Tan: Well thank you, Art. Nice to actually see your face, although I think I still prefer the back of your head! Seriously, though, it’s time to talk some art. Who’s buying my next shot? Seriously, folks, make that a shot and a beer. Speaking of shots, have you heard the one about the fat guy?

Art: Have you heard of a thesaurus?

Tan: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with the world’s most intelligent man? Smart food, oh! I have been touched by an anus! Seriously, though…

Art: The article…

Tan: Yeah, so John Motley… the Crue called, they don’t need another drummer, give it up already! Seriously, though, your drumming can’t be any worse than your writing, maybe they will get tired of Tommy Lee constantly bringing in tons of hot famous chicks and give you a shot. Speaking of shots…

Art: What is your take on Motley’s article, Tan?

Tan: Of course, after reading the article my best piece of advice for him is this: quit your day job! Seriously, though, I hope your drumming is better than your writing. As far as this whole TILT Export, roving trash compactor gallery thing goes… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a failing Portland gallery? A failing gallery that closed and still does shows in other galleries!

Art: Your keen wit pales in comparison to your unearthly ability to consume liquor.

Tan: Seriously, though, great work, Motley. The more I drink the more I like it. Speaking of sex with my last ex-wife, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with the Portland Mercury? A circulation of over 40,000! Seriously, folks, I am drunk, and I think this installation thing that Damien Gilley and Ethan Rose put together is incredible. Looks like special ed is finally paying dividends. What do you get when you cross a fat guy and a short bus? You get boxes made out of masking tape that get smaller. Reminds me of another ex-wife, except I had to tape her box open and it never got smaller! I’m only kidding…

Art: I’m buying you another shot for that one.

Tan: Architectural blueprints really do wonders for a gallery wall, I just wish I had some for my ex-wife. I’d be hot, hard, and single! Seriously, though, unless you’re drunk or three years old, avoid the galleryHOMELAND and get back to your Master’s degree in masking tape. Only joking… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a Master’s degree? An educated guy that still can’t find his penis!

Art: I believe there is little point in continuing this. We have already given enough publicity and time to such a dire waste of non-talent. Now, Tan, if you will do the honor…

Tan: Sure thing, your majesty! This has been Visual Fart Review, Art Floyd and Tan Zeppelin signing out.

Art Teacher Interview

Question: How does it feel to be teaching children the building blocks for the most unsuccessful and unnecessary career in the world?

Answer: Great, asshole.

Q: I’m only kidding. Seriously, though… so you’re teaching our kids to be losers?

A: No.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a bunch of suburban art students?

A: I don’t know… Is this a real interview?

Q: Coffee Workers: the Next Generation! Seriously, though. Captain Jean-Luc Picasso of the Starbucks Enterprise! The zingers, they just come to me. But seriously, what do you teach our kids to do with art?

A: Teach them to have fun, express themselves and be free.

Q: If you really wanted to be helpful, you’d teach them how to work a cash register!

A: You are a jerk!

Q: Do any of these kids have talent?

A: I am done, please leave.

Q: Show me an artist in Portland with talent, and I’ll show you a female orgasm! Seriously, though, speaking of orgasms, have you slept with any of your students?

A: No! What is wrong with you?

Q: I majored in art! Only kidding. You remind me of my last ex-wife. Seven years of marriage, my penis spent the whole time on the side of a milk carton! Oh, that’s rich! Seriously, though, what is your favorite thing to do with art?

A: I like to make art, what the hell do you think?!

Q: I’ll tell you what I think, Art’s hot, I made him too. No, seriously, I shouldn’t joke about Art, he is a wonderful human being that I have never seen naked. He only likes it with his clothes on! Seriously, though, did you see that birth mark he has just under his left butt cheek or was it all from behind?

A: Close the door on your way out.

Q: Tough crowd! OK, seriously though, one last question. Who’s your favorite artist?

A: Myself.

Witty answer. Well, thanks for your time, there can’t be much left on your biological clock! Joking, but seriously now… The only mystery left unsolved is what you get when you cross a fat guy with an angsty art teacher? I have no idea, but that art teacher needs to get her hands on some wood, if you know what I mean! Seriously, though, I need a drink you buying?

Tan Peluski
Man About Town