The Alberta Street Controversy

Good riddance, and a big thank you to Tan Peluski for letting me write his column. He has been ill, but sends his best. Important things await me this evening. Dinner with Vera Katz followed by a waxing and if we’re lucky a little horseback. Ha, I just realized that later tonight I’m going to be “Running down a dream” literally! Sex on the Titties.

Anyhow, for those of you who are not familiar with my public record, I am Dottie Barksdale, and here is a timeline of events which are all important to note when addressing the controversy surrounding Last Thursday on Alberta Street.

  • 01/01/2010
    I was appointed Director of the grassroots organization
    Alberta Street Residents Against Last Thursday (ASRALT)
    whose mission statement is the same as its’ name.
  • 01/02/2010
    I addressed representatives of ASRALT and announced
    my choice of focus for the organization: parking meters.

  • 01/05/2010
    I caught a lucky break on craigslist.
    A gentleman by the name of Mr. Spice was selling
    a truck full of parking meters at a flat cost of $5000.
    With money from petty cash, I drove to meet
    Mr. Spice and traded the cash for keys to the truck.

  • 01/07/2010
    Me and a bunch of volunteers from ASRALT went around putting
    the parking meters up on Alberta Street. Since we’re not an official organization,
    or representatives of the government, we were able to do so with no signage.
  • 01/07/2010
    I gave out my first parking ticket to a smelly guy playing a guitar.
    I explained to him that if he wanted to park himself or anything else
    on my Alberta Street, he was going to have to keep feeding the nearest meter.
    He acted like this was an outrage, and the crowd started to get behind him,
    but then I pointed out all the change in his guitar case. What a selfish prick.
  • 01/28/2010
    Last Thursday. Most people had accepted the meters by now,
    but there was still a little grumbling about it. Especially in the “arts community”.
    Anyone that found themselves on Alberta Street quickly found out how things worked.
    You either keep moving, or you pay the nearest meter to park. Anybody that didn’t
    pay to park got a ticket. Sure people were pissed off at first, but once they realized that
    the tickets were not real, most were so grateful to have dodged a parking ticket,
    they gladly started feeding the meters. Money was beginning to flow.
  • 01/29/2010
    The next day we unloaded the parking meters.
    I personally counted every nickel: $807,000 and change !!!
    We couriered a check to the Mayor, a donation to the city,
    along with a note about how much we would appreciate
    an end to Last Thursdays on Alberta.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters, give me your ears. Last Thursdays on Alberta Street are over. You’re welcome to show up and keep feeding my meters, but there will be no more public displays of affection. There will be no more public displays of intoxication. There will be no more public displays of people being weird. Nobody likes weird, not even in Portland. So just stop it already. I suggest you move it along to the Up-and-Coming Gallery, where up-and-coming artists can display their work if they are skillful enough to beat Up and Coming owner at Asteroids. That would seem to be a better use of your quarters, but like I said, if you want to give them to me I will offer no complaint. I will give them to the Mayor, he will give them to the city, and the city will give them back to you in the form of police protection making sure that weirdness never shows its face again on Alberta Street. In other words, making it a better place.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters (i.e. white people with college degrees and no money) the city is grateful to you for doing your part in chasing off the people who were there before, but it is now time for you to get with the program. You are beginning to be a headache, even to teenagers. You are the broom, and you did a good job sweeping, but now it is time for tax-paying citizens like myself to enjoy the clean, swept floor. So off you go, I hear your services would be appreciated in Gresham, and perhaps further out in the other directions as well. Like my boyhood crush, Tom Petty, would say: “Don’t come around here no more.”

~ Dottie Barksdale

Wow Steve you’ve really done a great job! Not!

I didn’t have a picture of myself to post on this shit pocket of a website so I found one in your media library that I think was funny but also represented how tiny of a person you are. The best part about it though is the picture is of a tiny person with a gun that I picture aiming at your nut sack and almost ready to fire. [robot: Charlie obviously thinks he uploaded a photo with this article, but he must have not been able to hit the “save” button with his giant, pudgy fingers or something… What a fucking dipshit!]

Man Steve when you told me about this site and I wrote a couple things i thought it was funny and and going to be full of semi-good sarcastic humor that may make people a bit mad but in the least allow them to laugh a bit if not at themselves maybe just the art scene in general. After being away from this crap pot for so long and reading about all the controversy on craigslist including the emails I’ve gotten on facebook from people you’ve, well bullied to the point of being retarded I’m glad I’m not a part of this anymore. I try to be honest Steve, robot, Tan Peluski, Art Jeanyus what ever you want to call yourself but you are really a shallow, sad little man. No wonder Chris Haberman hates you. He won’t even talk to me anymore not many people even do. I wish I would have never have met you. You’re funny for like a month then you’re really side comes out. All you want to do is hurt people and make them feel bad just to make yourself feel better or something. The art community in Portland is dumb at times but it’s dumb everywhere, why bag so much on it? People work really hard to bring everyone together in this town and that’s why I love it. Then there’s you, a thorn in our ass cheeks. Ever think of doing something productive? How about being nice? Maybe a column apologizing to everyone in Portland about this site would be a good first step. People here aren’t bad and they’re art doesn’t suck it’s an art community here I just wish I was a part of it more so I could get a bunch of people to do a website about you. How about www.SDElIOTTISANA_HOLE.com That sounds good. Well best wishes man living alone with no friends or anyone who cares about you while everyone else here including me actually work hard at art and try to bring it to everyone so they can be enriched by our creativity. Wow, Loser never crossed my mind when I met you but the word showed up quickly after.