Blockbuster Artist Trade Finalized! Elliott Sends Kraft to Haberman in Exchange for Sincere Compliment

(l to r) Steve Elliott, a career slacker whose most notable achievement as an artist was selling a painting for 100 beers; Charlie Alan Kraft, self-proclaimed “wildman” and creator of the How to Paint Like Famous Artists instructional videos; Chris Haberman, sleazy used car salesman artist, sells over 1,000 paintings a year and still qualifies for food stamps.

The Portland art scene was rudely awakened from a Pabst Blue Ribbon induced slumber early this morning by a shocking development that has insiders scratching their heads in disbelief: Steve Elliott has traded Charlie Alan Kraft to Chris Haberman in exchange for one sincere compliment. The Bad News Bears are no more.

Inspired by the recent Philadelphia Eagles trade of superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins for a draft pick, Elliott felt it was time for a change as well.

“That Eagles trade was like the writing on the wall for me. If they can send a guy who is arguably 100% responsible for their long run of success to a hated, bitter rival, well, why not send Charlie over to Chris? I wouldn’t say he has been a good friend, or even that he will be missed, but he has been a great guy to brainstorm with, bounce ideas off of…

“Nah, really we just hung around on barstools burning through our unemployment checks together. He’s played a huge part in the non-success of Portland City Art (.com), and it won’t be the same without him, for sure. No matter how bad you fuck things up, you can’t help but feel good about yourself when he’s around. Still, though, as the Eagles demonstrated, sometimes you just have to shake things up and start over. I think he will do more harm than good for Haberman, in the long run, and by the end of the year I think you will see that it was a pretty smart fuckin’ move. Who else can say they’ve received a sincere compliment from Habe?”

Charlie Alan Kraft, a founding member of Portland City Art (.com), issued the following statement:

“You know, Steve is a smart guy and everything, and he bought me a lot of beers in the past few years, but I gotta admit, I’m looking forward to getting out of this whole false negativity thing, and getting back to Haberman’s brand of false positivity. I mean, it’s all bullshit right? Might as well make it sound good. Not to mention, there is always plenty of food to go around with Chris. The only time Steve ever fed me, I was sick with food poisoning for a week.”

Chris Haberman, founder of Portland City Art (.org), was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, but a key insider from Team Haberman (who asked to remain anonymous) filled us in on the biggest mystery of all: What was the compliment that Elliott received in exchange for Kraft?

“Chris told Steve straight up that he really liked the way he wore slacks. There was direct eye contact, it was for real.”

So how will this trade shape the Portland art scene in the coming months? Will Haberman and Kraft be able to put the last few years of venomous animosity behind them and break bean burritos together? Will Elliott be able to find a new conspirator crazy enough to help him realize his plans of working without doing any work, and/or pissing everyone off? Only time will tell, but for now, keep your browser tuned to Portland City Art (.com) for all the latest, greatest, and most heinous happenings in the world of Portland art.

The Gruesome Artwork of Cathie Joy Young!

Man About Town, Tan Peluskie here. Seriously sobriety is hurtign me more and more each day. My liver screams into my gentiles and then I was taken from my paint with a moderate sigh of relief. Not relief from pain though as I  immediately came across some images that not only caused me pain, oh seriously and they were not of my ex wife but one does look like one of them after a night of drinking.

Folks I’m a serious the colors, the shapes, they put me in disaray. I’ve been confused and sickened for days. Where is my copy of Catcher in the Rye I feel the assasination of my liver coming on. These images have burned there uninteresting for and use of creativity into my eye sockets, no the backs of my eye sockets, seriosuly no my liver can see them. I thought at first is this some government conspiracy? Did the government secretly plant a CIA agaent into portland that is sending us messages of rebelious distaste and desire for that which is not good at all….. Oh my god, it’s true! Seriously I am still hurting, Oh my Hemroid just ruptured or was it my spleen, no I cannot sit down my hemroids are fine. Folks what are we to do. In this case much like any case having to do with my ex wives I must intertwine my article with another and end this with yet another Top Ten Things not do in Portland

  1. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  2. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  3. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  4. Ever ever think of purchasing Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  5. Ever ever think of telling someone else to purchase Cathie Joy youngs artwork
  6. Walk buy or near the Guardino Gallery until February 23rd. Why you ask? Seriously!
  7. Stay away from the Guardino Gallery people Cathie Joy Young has painting there
  8. No don not go to the Guardino Gallery for Cathie’s show even if there is free booze
  9. Drink free booze somewhere far awat from a Cathie Joy Young painting
  10. Speak of Cathie Joy Youngs paintings…

Seriously folks they will burn hole into the deepest caverns of your rectum and make you feel less of a painter after you’ve recovered fro mthe blinding atrocity of their mirad existance……

You welcome for being your savior, sincerely

Man About Town,
Tan Peluski

All-Time Favorite Foods

Dudes, I am seriously huge. Check out them titties. You know you like them. Glowing orbs of hot man flabber. Don’t stand too close, unless you want to have an orgasm. Shit, crowds of people part like the Red Sea when I pass. I am a fucking stallion when it comes to eating stuff. Shit, a Big Gulp is like a Baby Splash for me. My urine tastes like Cheetos. Speaking of eating, here’s my picks for the best food products of 2009 (in no particular order).

  • Jelly Donuts
  • Cheetos
  • Cocoa Krispies
  • Mike Fields
  • Raw Sewage
  • Disco Balls
  • Coke Zero
  • Diet ANYTHING
  • Monday Night Football
  • Shooting Missiles at the Moon
  • Fake Toenails
  • Charlie Alan Kraft’s Bowl Stains
  • Peanut Butter and Jelly (hold the sandwich)
  • Farts
  • Bean Pies
  • Dr. Pepper (after it shoots out your nose)
  • Famous Amos’ Chocolate Chip Cookies
  • Fuckin’ French Fries
  • Two Dollar Bills
  • That Last X-Men Movie
  • Ben Pink, and the Hobble Horse He Rode In On
  • The Month of October
  • Salami
  • Jews
  • Bleeding Wounds
  • Wiener Dogs

The absolute best thing in the world to eat, though??? (drumroll)

  • DOHHHHHHH – REEEEEEE – TOHHHHHHHHHHHHS !!!!!!!!

Stop Clogging Me, Charlie Alan Kraft

guy who looks kind of like Charlie if he hadn't tatoooed his face

So here I was, minding my own business the other day, when this fat piece of shit Charlie Alan Kraft starts waddling towards me backwards with his pants around his cankles. I fuckin’ started losing it, man, cause see, I live in his apartment, and in the land of Kraft two things are accepted as fact. Chicks are all lesbians, and when Charlie takes a shit it’s like somebody just turned on a leaf blower full of wet barkdust and assorted beans.

So he hovers for a minute, appropriately sings a few bars of “Highway to Hell”, and with the force of a Sunday Sizzler congregation he plants his cheeks and introduces my bowl to a violent tornado of poorly digested beef jerky, some type of tomato looking shit, three or four broken crayons, and a condom filled with shaving cream. Oh, and as always, the dead, blood-stained grass.

You know the saying “don’t shit where you eat”? Well with Charlie it’s more like “don’t shit WHILE you eat.” Why not try shoving a tube up your ass, and hooking the other end up to your mouth? Hell, corn dogs were just classified as NEARLY EXTINCT because of this piece of shit. Just because you can see something doesn’t mean you need to eat it. A table full of food is not a sign from the heavens that you should cram it all down your throat. There’s this thing that most people have called a stomach, and the idea is to fill it with stuff that’s good for you and then wait a while so your body can use it. Then you poop out a little bit of leftovers. But no, this fucking moron just shovels it in. I mean that literally, THE MAN CARRIES A SHOVEL. Only corn is supposed to come out the same, but with this deuchebag EVERYTHING comes out the same. His body doesn’t even bother to digest, cause it knows there’s more on the way in a second!

Hey, cow man, do me a favor. STOP EATING SO GOD DAMN MUCH! Better yet, next time you decide to sit on me, crying about how your life is such a miserable failure between squirts, BRING A RAZOR BLADE. Not for shaving your ugly mug, I mean, what difference would that make for a guy that couldn’t score in the coma wing? Cut your fuckin’ wrists already, shit, I would do it for you but I was manufactured without any type of shit to manipulate the blade with. UP THE STREET, UP THE STREET. Fuck, bring a shotgun for Christ sake, put it in your mouth, and get one of your friends to pull the trigger. I mean, ANY OF THEM WILL GLADLY DO IT FOR YOU.

I’m so fucking tired of your shit. It’s just wave after wave after wave. Like imagine you’re playing Space Invaders, but instead of aliens it’s a bunch of random objects covered in shit. And instead of being a little spaceship with lasers to shoot the turds, all you have is a big open mouth the size of the screen for them to fall into. Dear God, what did I do to deserve this? Who the fuck is laughing? It’s not funny, you prick, it’s fucking disgusting! Oh, wait, am I not talking on your level? How about this? MOO MOO MOO MOOOOOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Please someone help me. Please, I’m begging you. I can’t take it anymore. He spent all day drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, and anyone that has been around him for more than 20 minutes can tell you what that means. DIARRHEA. Let’s just say that if I ever had the opportunity to take a vacation, the first thing I would NOT go see is Niagra Falls. I get that shit every damn day with this cocksucker. Please, I’ll send you a google map, you can come over while he’s hanging out at the hot dog cart. Make sure you bring a big ass mallet or sledgehammer. I’m on the second floor (what he calls “the place that’s harder to get to”) and I’m kind of a white colored bowl thing that looks like someone was baking brownies in it. Just bring the sledgehammer in and go to fucking town on me. Don’t hold back, just obliterate my ass. I can’t take it anymore. Please, spare me. I’m begging you! Don’t leave me hanging! Shit, I think I hear him coming, NOOOOOOO, HURRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Wow Steve you’ve really done a great job! Not!

I didn’t have a picture of myself to post on this shit pocket of a website so I found one in your media library that I think was funny but also represented how tiny of a person you are. The best part about it though is the picture is of a tiny person with a gun that I picture aiming at your nut sack and almost ready to fire. [robot: Charlie obviously thinks he uploaded a photo with this article, but he must have not been able to hit the “save” button with his giant, pudgy fingers or something… What a fucking dipshit!]

Man Steve when you told me about this site and I wrote a couple things i thought it was funny and and going to be full of semi-good sarcastic humor that may make people a bit mad but in the least allow them to laugh a bit if not at themselves maybe just the art scene in general. After being away from this crap pot for so long and reading about all the controversy on craigslist including the emails I’ve gotten on facebook from people you’ve, well bullied to the point of being retarded I’m glad I’m not a part of this anymore. I try to be honest Steve, robot, Tan Peluski, Art Jeanyus what ever you want to call yourself but you are really a shallow, sad little man. No wonder Chris Haberman hates you. He won’t even talk to me anymore not many people even do. I wish I would have never have met you. You’re funny for like a month then you’re really side comes out. All you want to do is hurt people and make them feel bad just to make yourself feel better or something. The art community in Portland is dumb at times but it’s dumb everywhere, why bag so much on it? People work really hard to bring everyone together in this town and that’s why I love it. Then there’s you, a thorn in our ass cheeks. Ever think of doing something productive? How about being nice? Maybe a column apologizing to everyone in Portland about this site would be a good first step. People here aren’t bad and they’re art doesn’t suck it’s an art community here I just wish I was a part of it more so I could get a bunch of people to do a website about you. How about www.SDElIOTTISANA_HOLE.com That sounds good. Well best wishes man living alone with no friends or anyone who cares about you while everyone else here including me actually work hard at art and try to bring it to everyone so they can be enriched by our creativity. Wow, Loser never crossed my mind when I met you but the word showed up quickly after.

Knife Clown, Ice Pussy

Charles: Hey, everybody!

Munson: Here, here!

Charles: Yeah, over here! We won’t bite!

Munson: I do exclaim!

Charles: We just got back from… ART COUNTRY!

Munson: Charles, you’re not going to tell them about the…

Charles: Oh yes I am!

Munson: No, you can’t tell them about the…

Charles: Oh yes I can!

Munson: I need to sit down!

Charles: OK, Portland, are you ready for Adventures in Art Country™ ?

Munson: I seem to be out of “punch”!

Charles quickly refills Munson’s punch glass with more “punch”.

Munson: Why thank you, chum-o-mine!

Charles sits down in a big, cozy chair covered in pillows, and begins to use his serious voice.

Charles: Last week, Munson and I heard rumors of a performance artist living in the City of Gresham. Her name is Aggressive Clown, and she has been performing non-stop for 15 years.

Munson: 15 years is a long time!

Charles: Yeah, I know. That’s why I mentioned it.

Munson: Long time! I’m just saying!

Charles: For 15 years straight Aggressive Clown has been mesmerizing Gresham residentes with a tidal wave of knife play, knife throwing, knife games, smoking while holding a knife, knife animals, knife tricks, and knife comedy.

Munson: A clown with a knife!

Charles: Remember the video where Portland artist and wildman Charlie Alan Kraft spends the first 22 seconds playing with his nipples?

Munson: Yeah, that was really gay!

Charles: Well it doesn’t hold a candle to Aggressive Clown. That was like, 9 minutes of performance art. Aggressive has been going at it for 15 years straight!

Munson: A clown with a knife! In Gresham!

Charles: So we tracked down this Aggressive Clown, right?

Munson: You can say that again!

Charles: So we tracked down this Aggressive Clown, right? (lol)

Munson: You said it again! (lol)

Charles: Munson, would you describe Aggressive Clown as being a bit unfriendly?

Munson: Rather unfriendly!

Charles: So we get there, and we’re hanging out with the crazy clown chick. The way she makes a living as a performance artist is simple. You put a dollar in her belt, and she does something with a knife. The first dollar I put in, she licked the knife and smiled at me. The next dollar I put in, she held the knife in her teeth, and got down on all fours.

Munson: Keep in mind, she was dressed like a clown!

Charles: Exactly, my friend.

Munson: Tell them about the ice thing.

Charles: I was just about to mention the ice thing.

Munson: Great!

Charles: So once I had given Aggressive Clown something like fifty bucks, things got a little different.

Munson: Fitty bucks!

Charles: She pulls out this ice cube… and sticks it in her pussy.

Munson: Puts the ice cube in her pussy!

Charles: Then she pops the ice cube out…

Munson: Ice pussy!

Charles: Then she puts the ice cube in my mouth!

Charles: The crazy thing is, the whole time she’s doing this… there’s the tip of her knife, an inch away from my eye!

Munson: Ice pussy! (rofl)

Charles: I’m just saying. To all the performance art fans out there…

  1. get $50
  2. travel to Gresham
  3. find a chick dressed like a clown
  4. give her $1
    • if she does something with a knife, continue…
    • if she does NOT do something with a knife, go back to step 3…
  5. give her the rest of the $50

Munson: You’re gonna be glad you did!

Charles: Until next time… Enjoy your Adventures in Art Country!