Heather the Batshit Dumbfuck: Are You an Art Teacher?

Dear Mr. Peluski,

I'm reaching out to you because I have been getting a lot of job leads as an art teacher, and I'm looking for another art teacher interested in taking on more clients. After checking out your website I think you are a great fit and I'd love to start sending you job leads.  Please let me know about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what I can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
Heather
[ robot: ...does...not...compute... ]

Art Teacher Interview

Question: How does it feel to be teaching children the building blocks for the most unsuccessful and unnecessary career in the world?

Answer: Great, asshole.

Q: I’m only kidding. Seriously, though… so you’re teaching our kids to be losers?

A: No.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a bunch of suburban art students?

A: I don’t know… Is this a real interview?

Q: Coffee Workers: the Next Generation! Seriously, though. Captain Jean-Luc Picasso of the Starbucks Enterprise! The zingers, they just come to me. But seriously, what do you teach our kids to do with art?

A: Teach them to have fun, express themselves and be free.

Q: If you really wanted to be helpful, you’d teach them how to work a cash register!

A: You are a jerk!

Q: Do any of these kids have talent?

A: I am done, please leave.

Q: Show me an artist in Portland with talent, and I’ll show you a female orgasm! Seriously, though, speaking of orgasms, have you slept with any of your students?

A: No! What is wrong with you?

Q: I majored in art! Only kidding. You remind me of my last ex-wife. Seven years of marriage, my penis spent the whole time on the side of a milk carton! Oh, that’s rich! Seriously, though, what is your favorite thing to do with art?

A: I like to make art, what the hell do you think?!

Q: I’ll tell you what I think, Art’s hot, I made him too. No, seriously, I shouldn’t joke about Art, he is a wonderful human being that I have never seen naked. He only likes it with his clothes on! Seriously, though, did you see that birth mark he has just under his left butt cheek or was it all from behind?

A: Close the door on your way out.

Q: Tough crowd! OK, seriously though, one last question. Who’s your favorite artist?

A: Myself.

Witty answer. Well, thanks for your time, there can’t be much left on your biological clock! Joking, but seriously now… The only mystery left unsolved is what you get when you cross a fat guy with an angsty art teacher? I have no idea, but that art teacher needs to get her hands on some wood, if you know what I mean! Seriously, though, I need a drink you buying?

Tan Peluski
Man About Town