Winner of our Junior Essay Contest

About a month ago, we tasked Portland area children with an after school assignment. Write a one page essay addressing a major misconception. Not one of them got the pun (as can be said for most of you as well) but our favorite was written by 9-year old “Kui Fucker”. Way to go, “Kui”, we think you have the makings of a future debate team member in high school. Enjoy that $8 bottle return slip from Fred Meyer’s, and try not to spend it all on toys or candy.

Send your child’s essays to john@portlandcityart.com for automatic entry into our next contest.

John Cena. Not Gay.

I don’t think John Cena is gay because he does not bear hug his opponents in the ring. He just kicks ass.

Another important reason I don’t think he is gay. I watched a behind the scenes sneak peek when he asked one of the Divas to go on a date with him.

I would also like to put out there that my gaydar does not tell me he is gay.

To me John Cena looks like a Greek God, not a gay monster. I think if he were gay, he would probably have picked a more gentle sport than wrestling.

by “Kui Fucker”

Tan the Man’s Biggest Fan Speaks!

Dear Tan,

You may know me because I am one of your biggest fans and I am always writing you letters. Not sure why you have never responded or put one of my letters in a column but that’s o.k. I still think you’re the man. Well it’s me Josh again from Ohio and I have another problem I was hoping I could get your advice on. See there is this girl in my math class that is totally hot and I wanna ask her out but I don’t know what to say. What should I do Tan?

Your biggest fan Tan the Man!!!!

Josh

Oh seriously!

Josh, I’ve gotten many of your letters but none have struck my sagging nut sack with such importance as this one. Sure I could have given you tons of advice on puberty, zits, Conan the Barbarian and the Partridge Family but girls is my specialty young man and even in a whiskey bent coma I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shape your little mind into a chick getting sex fiend like myself. Ohhhhhh Seriously all inappropriate but onto the real work my little bald friend.

First: Make sure that before class you lock yourself in the teachers bathroom with the latest 17 magazine and spank that monkey tell it chokes!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Having clean pipes increasing your understanding of the opposite sex…. Lube up! Rub down! Seriously now!

Second: If after a good game of pocket pool over pictures of Mandy Moore has not changed your attraction for this young lass into total disgust then prep your wind pipes and cleanse that breath with Tan’s own personal Breath freshener cocktail mix. Seriously now read this part over and over again or type it on your Ipod touch for proper mixing. Take one cup of Vodka ( the cheap kind ), one cup of malt liquor ( Colt 45 does it every time ), and one table spoon of orange juice. Pour into a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup and mix with two shots of espresso for 20 seconds. Quick now down that smooth shit and oh seriously you’re wasted!!!!! You also totally smell like booze!!!!

Third: Trust the Tan man chicks will dig step two…. Now you’re ready for the personal engagement of conversation. Walk up to that chick and seriously…. Oh really now grab your balls and sing ” Swing Low Sweet Balls of Mine.”

Josh, I hope my advice has helped you realize your own potential at pleasing the opposite sex. Seriously I know if you follow these simple steps no girl in any Ohio Junior Highschool will make it to college a virgin, oh really did I say that? Go out there and Tan some preteen hides Josh Seriously now!!

Sincerely,

Tan

The Hippie Jesus is TOTALLY GAY for the Dalai Lama

The other day while I was hanging out in my tree house on Hawthorne, I overheard some teenagers having a disgusting conversation. I believe these teenagers identified with what I’ve heard is called the “emo” subculture as they all had extremely feminine haircuts and tight pants. One teenage boy said to his friend, “If you had to go gay, who would you go gay with?” His friend refused to answer so the first teenager elaborated. “I mean if someone forced you. Like you had to give a dude a hummer to survive.”

Finally, the other boy responded. He said, “Well, if I had to give a dude a hummer, I guess I’d pick a guy who looked like a chick. I dunno maybe Russell Brand?”

While, I, the Hippie Jesus have no idea who this Russell Brand person is, but it got me thinking about men loving each other. Men should be able to openly express their love for one another without fear of condemnation and although the conversation detailed above does slightly offend me, I felt the need to come out with my profound and deep love for the Dalai Lama.
That’s right, you homophobes, I am totally gay for His Holiness. When I look at pictures of the Dalai Lama, all I can see is a man who lives at peace with all living things. If you look closely, I mean with if you look with your heart, you will see the gentle green-gold aura of a man who respects all life. His eyes twinkle with wisdom. His hands are soft and passive.
As someone who has refrained from eating flesh for over six incarnations, I see in him the same reverence and purity. Buddhists, as you probably know, abhor all killing and that makes his holiness a perfect human being in my eyes.
To be honest, I didn’t know very much about the Dalai Lama when I started writing this article. All I really knew was told to me by an ex-girlfriend who attended Naropa University and she spoke of him as though he were some kind of living god. However, just now, I looked up the Dalai Lama on wikipedia and discovered that Tibetan Buddhists are not vegan. Frankly, it was a little shocking. Apparently, although their entire philosophy is based around non-violence, they dodge their moral obligation to animals by accepting any and all food that is donated to them, even flesh!
I was going to delete this article entirely, but then I started thinking about it and I realized that my original premise still holds. As the emo kid said, I had to give a man a hummer, I mean if I was tied up and forced, I guess I would perform fellaio His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. Those hands are really soft.

Jason Brown’s Emergency Facial Hair Removal Procedure Puts Goodfoot Bar in Turmoil!!!

Sources have confirmed that Jason Brown (Goodfoot bar operator, music and art venue coordinator) is set to receive emergency hair removal treatment at Legacy Emanuel Hospital in NE Portland this weekend for an ongoing problem he has had with tremendous uncontrollable facial hair growth.

According to friends and family Jason has been battling with this issue for several years now. Recently he sought treatment in North Korea with Doctor Hoo Long Wie where he was the subject of a new experimental ointment that was supposed to have reduced his hair length by almost half.  Instead, the not yet tested on humans ointment increased his beard length and turned the hair a deep red while also stimulating hair to grow out of every pore on his face.

Reporters caught up with Jason as he left the Legacy Health Center for his first exam and he had this to say.

“ARRAGHHH HUMMM HUMM SHHSHHHH HUMMM SHH HUMMM BEEERGGHHHHHH HHUMMM SHHH!”

What exactly he wanted to get out is not yet known, but we expect to hear from him again as doctors at Legacy have promised a full recovery with a clean bill of health. Portland artists, friends, and family are keeping Jason in their prayers tonight as they  all look forward to a new and more formidable man / curator after the surgery.

John Graeter: Terrifying Photos Reveal Native Portland Legend Behind Art Scene Conspiracy

Several witnesses and Portland city officials were shocked when creative director for the well respected nonprofit organization Portland City Art (.org) was photographed in public with his alleged twin brother Twinky Simmins Graeter, a known fugitive and Anarchist of the Arts. Though John has been suspected for remaining in close contact with Twinky over the last few years no one in the art community has had solid evidence that the two were in cahoots until now.

What does this mean for Portland City Art, and the artists that it represents? The community website and resource arena was established to connect local creatives with arenas and audiences for their work in several venues within the Portland area, and the news that the newly christened figurehead is conspiring with Dirt Wing Extremists to undermine the efforts of his organization, and in fact, disconnect creatives and their audiences, has many reeling in disbelief.

Chris Haberman, former creative director and founder of Portland City Art (.org), was not available for questioning, but his sudden separation from the very organization he started has sparked rumors for weeks. When confronted with photographs and other proof of this deep rooted conspiracy, which may or may not extend all the way to City Hall, Portland City Art (.org) affiliated venues and their owners are beginning to question whether water is, in fact, wet. Artists stood by John, dismissing Chris Haberman’s choice to move on from the nonprofit as a personal one involving dysfunctional eating habits and questionable family distractions. According to local sources Chris was literally eating himself out of house and home, and food stamps, a steady welfare check, and a ring of midget “milk feeders”, was not enough to sustain his lifestyle, and well, it was time for this non-profiteer to focus on making some real money. Some “boo coo bucks”.

Charlie Alan Kraft, a once binding thread in the fabric of the Portland art scene, had this to say: “Man, I think I need a bra. These beers are weighing me down topside.”

John Graeter, a long time supporter of the arts and painter himself, was well known for cracking jokes after a few martinis about his uncanny resemblance to his brother while stroking his beard singing “I’m gonna grow this bitch ass hair, I’m gonna grow it, Boom! Boom! Boom! Curly, curly, cocoa mon.” John’s art touched many people here in Portland as well as….? Well, here in Portland, for sure. The Rose City’s art scene is literally torn in half today with one side mourning their betrayal at the hands of our city’s greatest scribbler (John Graeter likes to scribble), while another half clenches their ass cheeks in rage over the deceit and lies spread through this wonderful community. How that tears them in half, this writer has no idea. It actually sounds like they are on the same page, but that’s Portland for you.

Questions do remain, however, will Graeter continue to pursue art here in Portland? Will Twinky Graeter disappear again leaving us all in fear for our lives? Will John end his charade of lies and hang up his secret identities?  With all the secrets out, his “twin brother” Twinky, his well groomed man of daylight disguise Ships Donavon (who was recently found prowling local middle schools enlisting children for his art in residence programs), the entire cast of characters that can all be traced back to one megalomaniac man in the moon mirror, John Graeter, what will come of the artists that rely on his organization for strategic wall placement? Only time will tell. As more details come in, we here at Portland City Art (.com) are committed to bringing you the latest, the Graetest, and all the news in between. At least until the cease and desist letters from the Mayor’s bloodhounds actually hold up in court, or Chris Haberman finds a hitman in our fair city willing to work for Cheese Puffs to take us down. Until then, fair citizens, rest easy and keep your eye out for creepy bearded guys with glasses made to see right through you. It just might be John Graeter, aka The Real Life Riddler.

Blockbuster Artist Trade Finalized! Elliott Sends Kraft to Haberman in Exchange for Sincere Compliment

(l to r) Steve Elliott, a career slacker whose most notable achievement as an artist was selling a painting for 100 beers; Charlie Alan Kraft, self-proclaimed “wildman” and creator of the How to Paint Like Famous Artists instructional videos; Chris Haberman, sleazy used car salesman artist, sells over 1,000 paintings a year and still qualifies for food stamps.

The Portland art scene was rudely awakened from a Pabst Blue Ribbon induced slumber early this morning by a shocking development that has insiders scratching their heads in disbelief: Steve Elliott has traded Charlie Alan Kraft to Chris Haberman in exchange for one sincere compliment. The Bad News Bears are no more.

Inspired by the recent Philadelphia Eagles trade of superstar quarterback Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins for a draft pick, Elliott felt it was time for a change as well.

“That Eagles trade was like the writing on the wall for me. If they can send a guy who is arguably 100% responsible for their long run of success to a hated, bitter rival, well, why not send Charlie over to Chris? I wouldn’t say he has been a good friend, or even that he will be missed, but he has been a great guy to brainstorm with, bounce ideas off of…

“Nah, really we just hung around on barstools burning through our unemployment checks together. He’s played a huge part in the non-success of Portland City Art (.com), and it won’t be the same without him, for sure. No matter how bad you fuck things up, you can’t help but feel good about yourself when he’s around. Still, though, as the Eagles demonstrated, sometimes you just have to shake things up and start over. I think he will do more harm than good for Haberman, in the long run, and by the end of the year I think you will see that it was a pretty smart fuckin’ move. Who else can say they’ve received a sincere compliment from Habe?”

Charlie Alan Kraft, a founding member of Portland City Art (.com), issued the following statement:

“You know, Steve is a smart guy and everything, and he bought me a lot of beers in the past few years, but I gotta admit, I’m looking forward to getting out of this whole false negativity thing, and getting back to Haberman’s brand of false positivity. I mean, it’s all bullshit right? Might as well make it sound good. Not to mention, there is always plenty of food to go around with Chris. The only time Steve ever fed me, I was sick with food poisoning for a week.”

Chris Haberman, founder of Portland City Art (.org), was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, but a key insider from Team Haberman (who asked to remain anonymous) filled us in on the biggest mystery of all: What was the compliment that Elliott received in exchange for Kraft?

“Chris told Steve straight up that he really liked the way he wore slacks. There was direct eye contact, it was for real.”

So how will this trade shape the Portland art scene in the coming months? Will Haberman and Kraft be able to put the last few years of venomous animosity behind them and break bean burritos together? Will Elliott be able to find a new conspirator crazy enough to help him realize his plans of working without doing any work, and/or pissing everyone off? Only time will tell, but for now, keep your browser tuned to Portland City Art (.com) for all the latest, greatest, and most heinous happenings in the world of Portland art.

PortlandCityArt.com for Everyone!

Even though you are all a bunch of morons, we decided (from the beginning) that the best thing for everyone involved in the Portland art scene is to allow ANYONE and EVERYONE to write for us. That is why we have always been open to the public. All you have to do is register, and walla, you can write articles. Some of you figured that out from the beginning, but many of you have not have figured it out, and instead incessantly whine about what is written. If you have always wanted to write for a website that gets traffic every day without even trying, follow these simple steps:

1. click ‘register’

2. register

3. write a damn article already

We won’t edit you, censor you, or kick you out. Seriously. Enjoy, Portland. It’s not that hard.

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