Heather the Batshit Dumbfuck: Are You an Art Teacher?

Dear Mr. Peluski,

I'm reaching out to you because I have been getting a lot of job leads as an art teacher, and I'm looking for another art teacher interested in taking on more clients. After checking out your website I think you are a great fit and I'd love to start sending you job leads.  Please let me know about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what I can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
Heather
[ robot: ...does...not...compute... ]

Orin Starr, Citizens Ashamed of The Nest

Local activist and Lesbian swinger Orin Starr leading a group of anti-rude bingo night protesters outside of "The Nest" a bar in Portland, Oregon.

When most people think of bars in Portland Oregon good times and good beer come to mind. Even The Nest, Alberta street’s hot-spot for local well dressed liberals such as Orin Starr has been known for it’s comfortable atmosphere, cheap beer, and loud music set against a backdrop of fine rotating artwork curated by local celebrity Chris Haberman. What happens, though, when a local hangout, once a meeting point for well-cologned, high-class hipsters goes south? It becomes a Mecca for disgusting, disturbing, delusional,  racist, sexist, classist and homophobic outcries of slander and distaste masked by the power of the First Amendment.

On Sunday May 8th, 2011 Orin Starr entered The Nest like he does every other day of the week, hopped up on anti-depressents and exhausted after a long hard day of customer service at a local Co-Op. What did he want? He wanted what every other person in the bar wanted that night: a beer and an atmosphere that allowed him the opportunity to peep some fresh female clam as they say. What did he get, you ask? A first hand lesson in freedom of speech! Quietly enjoying his drink, Orin and his wingman for the night couldn’t help but notice it was Bingo Night, but what they failed to recognize was the well-posted and immediately visible signs stating “Sunday night at The Nest is we get to say what ever the fuck we want bingo night”. That’s right, readers, it was Rude Bingo Night.

After listening to the guy at the microphone berate gentle folks waiting for the bathroom with malicious slanderous comments, Orin turned to his wingman (a person who intelligently chooses to remain anonymous) and says, “Fuck this piece of shit with his whole I have a beard and balls attitude, I’m gonna fuck his shit up!” Orin’s wingman, Christianly as a kitten’s vagina, chose to turn the other cheek and ignore the barrage of bingo inspired insults, and quietly sipped his or her beer. Orin, however, could not just sit by while the ears of decent folks everywhere were subjected to  such harsh and vile abuse, and cried out, “Hey dumb fuckin’ dick for brains! This is Portland! We don’t hurt people’s feelings here you fucking piece of shit!”

Unfortunately Orin had no idea what he had gotten himself into. Being that he had completely ignored the well-posted signs describing the event of the evening in clear and vivid detail, the man-bear at the microphone took this as someone wanting to play along with the evening’s festivities, and really gave Orin a piece of his mind…. (Here at PortlandCityArt.com we strive ourselves to bring you up to date slanderous bullshit without censorship ,but the words exchanged in that moment at the bar were so degrading and shameful that even WE couldn’t stomach printing them in this article…….) Once the extended exchange of poetic hate had come down from its’ inevitable climax, Orin turned to the bartender to complain. The bartender ,though, had only this to say: “Bitch, put a dick in it!”

Disgusted by the entire situation and distraught by the not so sensitive energy at the bar, Orin fell victim to the violence and unleashed a flurry of ice cubes in the direction of Mr. Rude Bingo. A fist fight soon broke out, bottles were smashed, Starr’s friend was dragged from the bar by his or her front-facing ponytail and Orin, well… he was later found bloodied and hunching over in the alley like a lump of used dog shit (as opposed to brand new dog shit, straight from the ass).

Customers at the bar refused to comment on the situation, and even Portland’s finest were not able to get a statement regarding the scene of events that unfolded that evening. Was Orin Starr an unsuspecting victim of a hate crime or just a mild mannered customer pushed to the edge of violent rage by a tasteless lower then human life form holding the mic that night? Is this what our fair city is coming to? Bars that once housed the meek and sensitive now playgrounds for dirty mouthed trash talkers with a taste for violence against she-men? Is the first amendment really that important? Did Portland lose its sense of humor? Did it ever HAVE a sense of humor? Whatever the reason, whatever the justification, Portland has failed in the eyes of its’ citizens, and The Nest is the thorn that continues to break the CIty of Rose’s back.

 

Portland Craigslist: SAFE AT LAST

In 1995, Craig Newmark founded the classified website Craigslist with the best of intentions: to provide a safe haven for good natured Christians to exchange goods and services, arrange to meet on wholesome dates, and to announce family friendly community events. Like all righteous internet endeavors, however, it was overrun by the forces of Satan before you could say “Christ on the Cross”. As Newmark himself puts it, “One thing we found doing customer service is that there are not that many bad guys out there, that the people with good will far outnumber the bad guys. However, the bad guys make a lot more noise.

In most cities featured on Craigslist, the good guys have all but given up. That is not the case in Portland, however, where a volunteer watchdog group called Portland Citizens for a Cleaner Craigslist (PCCC) burst onto the scene bringing order and respectability to a website where even I with my Two Fists of Faith once feared to tread.

Formed in early March of this year by local artist Tanner Dobson, the PCCC has found a brilliantly simple way to use Craigslist’s built-in flagging feature to eradicate any and all filth immediately. “People in Portland aren’t going to stand around getting fucked in the mouth by indecency towards anyone or anything, and Craigslist is no exception. Free speech is one thing, but my grandmother, bless her heart, busted her ass for eighty fucking years, raised over three hundred kids into model, upstanding Christians, and I’ll sit naked on Satan’s fat red cock before I’ll let anyone bombard her computer screen with blasphemous ass, mean-spirited, liberal, communist, hate-mongering, ironic bullshit on Craigslist which she visits every day to sell her macaroni mosaics.”

Acting on a hunch, Dobson discovered that if a post got a certain number of “flags” from different people, it would be taken down from the  website immediately. Once he had the magic number, he took a trip down to his dear nana’s nursing home and recruited a small army of volunteers. “My volunteers were people just sitting around waiting to die, despite the fact that their facility is equipped with an activity room. When I had my grandmother read to them excerpts from some of the posts she had come across, dude, they were fucking pissed!”

For volunteer Howard Crosby, the PCCC has given him new meaning in life. “In my day, you’d get the belt for acting all filthy like these young people and their computers. I lost all hope once my grandson was taken by the homosexuals because of the internet, but thanks to Tanner Dobson I now have a way to fight back. I might not be able to give these kids the whupping they deserve, but I can sure as shit keep them from spreading their filth!

Dobson elaborates, “You see, what happens is these cock-sucking degenerates get on a computer at the library or some trendy coffee shop so you can’t track them, and because of this anonymity they feel comfortable enough to put up bunch of hateful, ugly, rotten garbage unfit for decent folks to see or read. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit they were getting away with before I started PCCC. Once I knew exactly how many times a post could get flagged before coming down, though, that was all she wrote. They are free to put up whatever they want, whenever they want, and in the same vein,  all thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ, we are free to take it down whenever we want. BAM! BAM! Down just like that.”

During my visit to the retirement facility which serves as the group’s temporary headquarters, I was able to witness several flaggings firsthand. In one instance, some smirking heathen tried to advertise her demonic face painting service, and had the audacity to target it at children! Like clockwork, the team sprang into action and took turns flagging the post until it was gone. Someone else tried several times to post results of their highly offensive drawing contest, but each time it was shot down in less time than it takes me to crack the knuckles on my Two Fists of Fury.

“These old people might not know a computer keyboard from Stephen Baldwin, but if you move the mouse for them and show them how and when to press the button, they get the hang of it pretty quick.” Dobson has every right to be proud of his group. Since they started monitoring up the classifieds, the life expectancy of an offensive post on Portland’s Craigslist has fallen to an average of 32 seconds. “I won’t be satisfied until that number is reduced to zero, to tell you the truth, but 30 seconds is pretty fucking good.” Is it safe enough for children? “You fucking bet, man.”

Next time you find yourself looking to Craigslist for an artist to decorate the kid’s play room, a flower arranger, pottery lessons, or even a tasteful live model, remember to take a moment out of your search to thank Tanner Dobson, his hard working, tireless band of upstanding seniors, and the loving spirit of Portland for keeping things free of bigotry, idolatry, hate, profanity, nudity, sarcasm, slander, and sin, and for making the City of Rose’s Craigslist a place that even our dear Lord Baby Jesus could visit with a smile.

Shred Your Ex at Hooters

Dear Tan Peluski,

It’s hard to believe that everyone’s favorite Hallmark commercial holiday is a mere six days away. Yes, you know what I’m talking about – Valentine’s Day is almost here.

Unfortunately for us single San DIego locals, February 14th most likely won’t be filled with Godiva chocolates, long stem roses and romantic candlelit dinners that our coupled up friends will be enjoying. But who says that we have to be sad and lonely just because we don’t have someone to snuggle up with on V-Day? If you’re recently single, we’re giving you a reason to enjoy the holiday too…

Maybe you recently broke it off with your boyfriend/girlfriend of five years because they just “couldn’t commit.” Maybe you walked in on the love of your life cheating on you with your best friend. Or maybe you finally got rid of that complete and total loser that your friends had been begging you ditch since the day you two hooked up.

Whatever the reason may be, it’s safe to say that we all have at least one person (or multiple persons if you’re anything like me) in our lives that gone and did us wrong. But rather than bury your sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s this Valentine’s Day, why not embrace the fact that you’re much better off without the dreaded ex factor?

On Monday, February 14th, it’s time to drag out that box of long lost memories and Shred Your Ex at everyone’s favorite delightfully tacky, yet unrefined restaurant and bar: Hooters! From the smoking hot leggy waitresses clad in tight white tanks, diminutive orange shorts, and suntanned nylon, to the vats of beer, infamously tasty wings and out of control games and competitions, Hooters is your one-stop shop for all the action-packed entertainment you could ask for this Valentine’s Day in San Diego.

This year, Hooters is hosting the ultimate Anti-Valentine’s Day party, where attendees who bring in at least one picture of their ex to shred will receive a $1 drink in exchange. Of course, you’re strongly encouraged to bring in as many pictures as you want to shred, if you’ve had that kind of year… But wait, there’s more! Guests who print out this page and bring it in to Hooters will receive 10 free wings with every purchase of 10 wings.

Time to Play Dress Up! Don’t miss out on the Valentine’s Sneak Preview on Friday, February 11th when the sexy Hooters staff will be decked out in their hottest Valentine’s gear.

tan.peluski@portlandcityart.com is registered with permission. To ensure deliverability please add us to your contact or safe-sender list.

Invite a Friend to Join: http://www.murgent.com/users/scripts/invite.php?tr=16eecbce&mqcid=348852780
Visit Your Online Profile: https://secure.murgent.com/emopt/index.php?id=7507&p=1
To Stop-Sending: https://secure.murgent.com/emopt/rm.php?id=7507&cid=15406323&a=%3DQzZ2JmN5xSbvNmL0JXY5RXajRmbhxGdy9GcAl2azVHblBnLuFGd

Privacy Policy: https://secure.murgent.com/emopt/privacyStatement.php?id=7507

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/WestCoastHooters
Twitter: http://twitter.com/wcoasthooters

Stop Crapping on Me: Toilet Violations

The people, and entities which compromise PCA, the supposed non-profit linked to numerous sex scandals and video-tape-hijacking, have been drizzling hot steamy shit down my porcelain mouth for long enough. I’m not willing to sit through even one more second of the barrel-waisted tyrants of Portland City Art squatting down over me popping shit flavored candy corn and telling me that it’s better for my teeth that way (cause I won’t want to eat the candy if it tastes like shit).

Knuckle-fucks.

That’s what they are. Hairy knuckle-fucks. Never had to support such sheer weight from creamy, sweaty man-thighs before, and if you turn your back for one secone, guess what? Let’s just say that your plumbing gets a case of “illegal entry”. Shot out to Crispy Butt for having sweaty enough boobs to make the whole thing go down with plenty of lube. Double shot out to Jonny G-G-Time Je-Yell-Ell-oh (jon graeter) for having a tiny penis thing that doesn’t hurt much when it goes in. Fluffy. Still…

STOP PUTTING THINGS INSIDE ME!

Seriously, people, when nobody is not around, these guys are inside me, constantly, touching each other, touching me on the inside. No gloves. Filthy, putrid. Thank god my bowl is painted white so you don’t see the jizz so much.

Disgruntled Toilet

Pacific Art Collective

Folks we just got news that the Pacific Art Collective from San Jose California has been operating under an assumed identity. Not only have they been secretly conspiring with the Soviet Government about a possible world wide artistic over throw but they have also been selling artwork at unbeatable low prices…. Ladies and Gentlemen we have not seen deals like this since Portland’s own Outrageous Audio started slashing prices on Car stereos and equipment. If you’re in the San Francisco area just before Christmas (and you don’t have to tell us why) then stop by the Brief Space show at the Metreon and get some work for a friend, a family member or just treat yourself to some fantastic art by artists from all over.

Don’t forget to follow on Facebook > Brief Space

Portland City Art (.org) CONCEDES

concession speech photo

In what will go down as one of the longest and ugliest battles the Art Scene has ever known, John Graeter of Portland City Art (.org) has made it official tonight: his non-profit group is throwing in the towel. Portland City Art (.com) is victorious. Before we get to the festivities (which have been going full force since late Saturday evening when Graeter placed a phone call to our offices to privately concede), here is the official, unedited and unabbreviated concession speech directly from the losing camp’s headquarters.

Dear Artists, Art Patrons and Portland City Art supporters,

I have important news to share about Portland City Art [.org].

As many of you know, Portland City Art [.org] was officially started when founder Chris Haberman and myself joined forces in May of 2009. We began with modest resources, ambitious goals and a creative vision to bring Portland artists and the art community together in alternative venues that presented a refreshed, compelling and engaging environment for patrons and the greater public to experience and appreciate art. Our first large show, The Manor of Art, was a huge success by all accounts, and in retrospect, a voracious inaugural accomplishment and compelling representation for the creative vision both Chris and I had dreamed for Portland City Art [.org]. Amazed, inspired, bewildered (and exhausted) from the subsequent momentum that the Manor produced, Chris and I set forth a path for the upcoming year that proved to be equally as ambitious.

Joining forces with Administrative Director Andrea “Ray” Boyle in October 2009, and with the steadfast support of the city, our artists, our volunteers, community members and patrons, Portland City Art [.org] went on to produce and present several large community art events including: The Big 100 (with Jason Brown), The Love Show (with Ben Pink), Works IV, A Rainy Day Wildfire and the most recent PDX Bridge Festival Gallery Tour. During this time and since May of 2009, Portland City Art [.org] also continued to present and showcase local emerging and established artists in our monthly art shows at Olympic Mills Commerce Center, Eastbank Commerce Center, Water Ave Corridor Gallery, The Nest Lounge, The Limelight, Slinde & Nelson Lawfirm, Rumblefish Music, Accanto Restaurant and three spaces at Pioneer Place Mall. Since May of 2009, we are proud to have presented the work of over 800 Portland artists at each of these alternative venues!

Since February of 2010, upon Chris Haberman’s departure to pursue his own art career, the Portland City Art [.org] team has consisted of: myself as Creative and Executive Director, Ray as Administrative Director, hard-working volunteers, and the generous and notable assistance of art admin super-stars Dianna Fontes and Elizabeth Lamb. Still, many people asked us at our shows, “how many people does it take to produce all this work?,” and “how do you accomplish all this every month?” and “how do you sustain the operation of these huge events?” These valid questions, though vexing to answer in with any succinct one-liner, are ones that I have often asked myself the past year and half. There is no escaping the reality that the past year and half has been a tremendous personal investment and sacrifice for both myself, for Andrea, and all of our volunteers. As you can probably deduce, the amount of work and funds to sustain a monthly operation like Portland City Art [.org] is a particularly challenging accomplishment for a team of essentially two people.

This being said, I am sad to say that Portland City Art [.org] can no longer afford to continue our services and business operations, in the current format, after September. Though our events, art shows and mission has the proud vocal support of our Mayor, our commissioners and city, our artists, patrons, business partners and community members, we cannot sustain ourselves on only applause, praise and positive feedback. We face the reality of our production, employment and material costs which collectively constitute an enormous responsibility that can longer be financed or creatively alleviated.

Starting in October, I will personally continue to curate two of our venues, Slinde & Nelson and Accanto Restaurant under the name Graeter Art Rep. Portland City Art [.org] will officially be dissolved, and we will halt production of all events and art shows at our other venues. Please contact me at: j.graeter@gmail.com, if you have questions concerning any of the above.

I’d like to personally thank the hard work of our staff, our generous volunteers, our art patrons and supporters and especially my good friend, business partner and original founder of Portland City Art [.org], Chris Haberman. Last but certainly not least, I would like to once more thank the continued support of our tremendous local artists, to each of who has been an honor to work with, and to each who comprise the essence of Portland City Art [.org]’s vibrant mission. It has been an honor to work with you all, and I look forward to supporting your work for years to come.

Sincerely,

John Graeter
Creative Director, Co-founder
Portland City Art [.org]

Matthew Haggett has MUTANT BABIES!

Local Portland artist Matthew Haggett… or is it Haggerty?… What was I saying? Oh right, Matthew Haggett has mutant babies! His mutant children were found nestled together with their siblings in a box found on the corner of North Williams and Prescott street in NE Portland.

Witnesses found the box early Sunday morning covered tightly with a thick wool blanket. One witness heard yelping and tiny voices pleading for help and as they lifted the blanket they were astonished with what they found.

Local authorities were called to the scene after several 911 phone calls regarding abandoned children. At first nobody had any idea where the freak babies came from, but according to experts, evidence suggested that their beards were very recently manicured. “Haggerty, famous for his obsessive compulsive meticulous beard trimming, not to mention his romantic flings with non-humans, is the obvious suspect. Once we were able to get a match on his DNA and some fibers left in the babies’ beards, we had our man.”

Haggett was unavailable for comment, but if we could ask him one question it would be this: Matthew, why didn’t you just leave them at a hospital or fire station??? Perhaps we will never know.