Ben Pink NO LONGER OWES ME MONEY, part 1

In what can only be described as a STUNNING COINCIDENCE, Ben Pink no longer owes me money. Shortly after I ran the original article Ben Pink OWES ME MONEY, the man himself got in touch with me.

“I will be at the gallery Thursday, and will have a check for you then.”

Give it a minute to sink in… Ben Pink… the same guy I told you was harder to squeeze than a gorilla… owner/operator of Launchpad Gallery (new work by emerging artists, like Chris Haberman)… offering to part with his dear, beloved money. My heart actually stopped beating for a minute or two. Read it again: “…have a check for you…”

What the fuck?

So Thursday finally came, and even though it was clearly some kind of setup, I couldn’t resist. On the way over to  Launchpad I came across an angry little 8-year-old that was mercilessly taunting the elderly.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“Today’s Thursday, dumbshit.”

Something occurred to me… Ben Pink and his minions would be far less likely to kidnap and torture me if I was with a little kid. “Hey, you seem like a nice kid. I’ll buy you a Mountain Dew if you come somewhere with me and pretend to be my nephew.” He agreed (obviously! all kids love Mountain Dew), but insisted on payment up-front. So we walked to the store first, then over to the gallery.

Just outside the door to Launchpad, several rough looking types were betting on what appeared to be a kitten fight. One of them looked up at me and frowned. “You were supposed to come alone,” he said quietly like Edward James Olmos. He looked us up and down a few times, and after about five minutes he ushered us over to a blood-stained side door. There was a little pink bucket full of what looked like spare kitty parts next to it. A bird was perched above on the gutter, licking its beak. I started to think that maybe showing up had been a not-so-good idea, in particular bringing the kid with me, but before I could make a run for it the door slid open.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next. Ben Pink himself was sitting there on the toilet taking a shit COMPLETELY NAKED. He looked up with an amazingly wide grin.

“So glad you could make it!” he chirped. “I see you brought a little friend, I love kids! Come here little guy!”

The kid took off.

Ben: “Oh how adorable!”

Me: “So… well… about that check…”

Ben: “Nonsense, my friend! Checks are for disabled people in wheelchairs, how do you feel about cash?”

Me: “Well… whatever’s easiest…”

He reached down to the pants that were rumpled on the floor next to him and pulled out an immaculate velcro wallet. It was black. “Almost there!” He opened the wallet and smelled the inside. “I love it!” He got up and started doing what I’m guessing he might call his money dance. Completely naked.

Me: “So… uhm…”

Ben: “Where are my manners, I forgot you were even there!”

Me: “No problem…”

Ben: “Thanks for waiting!”

Me: “Sure… uhm…”

Ben: “Say the magic word!”

Me: “…”

Ben: “Come on, say it! I love the magic word!”

Me: “Please?”

Ben: “No, the MAGIC word!”

Me: “Pay me?”

Ben: “That’s two words, you big dork! Come on, think MAGIC!”

Me: “Abracadabra?”

As soon as I said it, the wallet disappeared in a small poof of smoke. Ben Pink began hopping and clapping his hands together. “Check your pockets! Check your pockets!” His excitement was scaring me, so I reached in and checked my pockets. Nothing. Just the crap I had when I showed up. I kept digging around, thinking maybe I missed something. Nope.

Me: “Ben… I don’t think the trick worked.”

Ben: “Nonsense!”

Me: “I mean, it was cool how the wallet disappeared, but…”

Ben: “Check your pockets again!”

I checked my pockets again. Nothing.

Ben: “Check your pockets again!”

Me: “Look, man…”

Ben: “Check your pockets again! Pleeease!”

I checked them again. Still empty.

After about the tenth round of the check your pockets game, I decided that no amount of money was worth all of this, so I just said fuck it and started to walk off. Ben Pink ran up behind me (still completely naked) and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Dude, you forgot your money.” His other hand was extended, and was holding a small roll of bills. He was calm all the sudden. “Sorry for putting you through all that just now… You have to admit it was pretty funny, though.” All I could see was the money in his hand. “We’ll should do this again sometime, what do you say?”

“Sure man…” I reached out to grab the money, but before I could get my fingers on it something hit me hard on the back of the head and everything went dark…

TO BE CONTINUED

Until next time,
Bad Habits

People Will Talk @ Launchpad Gallery

Hey honeys! Oh sweethearts, hold on, sorry for the miscommunication. I wasn’t talking funny not cause I don’t like you… I was just rubbing my balls and I had good hard… well, you know in my mouth…. Lol! Only some of you will get that, sweeties, but hey!

In between the time it takes me to bend over some of those well known city officals and your next door neighbors husband, MMMMmmmmmm. I love married men, oh sorry sweeties off the subject. I like to take some time and wander into some Portland art galleries. Oh honey I love it, it gets me wet and hard all at the same time sweeties. I’m smacking my lips just thinking about some art my mangina got all erect over the other day…

I was working my way down a popular Portland street hung over and worn out from the hard nasty I gave some hot guy in an alley and honey let me tell you that nasty was… mmmmmmm. good for me and him. I put his ass pussy where it belonged! Afterwards, sweeties, I went lookin’ for something just as sweet for my eyes… I stumbled into Launchpad Gallery, and oh honey if my pants weren’t already wet I wet them again….. Photos by Mark Wickum, and paintings of photos by Chris Haberman….. I tried to suck a dick for some art but was refused. Then I tried the ol’ I’ll bend you over for one but no one took the bait… Guess I’m just a pay as you need it kinda gyrl… get it sweeties?… Wish I had some of that sweet love on those walls, though, and that artist Chris Haberman, oh sweeties he can bend me over anytime. Loved it all, loved it so much I even gave a trick a freebie I just had to let something of mine explode after all that nasty I saw on those walls.. Nasty is good sweethearts, not bad! It means wholesome gyrl love in my back. Come get nasty with me when you’re free, my treat of course, but only for a hot sexy painting…

Love you sweeties…….
Bosom Bunny…

Welcome: On Your Level

A few days ago I was asked to be a periodic columnist on a new up and coming website that introspectively relays information about the happenings of art in the city of Portland, Oregon. With respect to the geographical location of these columns and my reader audience, I as a professional writer (though adorned several times over with masters degrees in fields of personal interest, keynote speaker at several hundred amazingly successful seminars, infinite array of magazines and newspapers I work for covering every subject matter known to man) promise to keep my artistic, creative and intellectual Genius under severe restraint so that you may hope to understand.

I will refrain from the use of words such as exceptional, probability or reoccurrence in any of my writings. Most of all I will always keep in mind that Portland is a simple town with simple ideas, and that no one wants to interrupt their perfect flow of mediocrity with anything a tad more smart. Besides, I am well aware that as an artist or just a public shmo you have already spent most of your day drinking cheap beer and smoking weed so making your head hurt with large confusing (whoops, did it right there!) with large hard to get words is simply not very nice. I have even made a list that I will keep in front of me to help me understand your adorable Portland Phonics (whoops!) Portland Lingo. I will focus on sharing with you my immense (my “bad”!) big wisdom on a level that you will comprehend (damn! again!) I mean so you can get it! Let us then start this column off on the right foot. I hope a little explanation (damn!) description (shit!) I mean a little… um… blurb about myself has helped, so now let us talk art.

Portland art is fine, but if you want to be famous (and in this case a famous artist in Portland) you will need my help. Guess what? No I will not mail you an ounce of weed. No! I am not starting a non-profit. What you need are ideas!!! Brilliant ideas!!! You know the things in your head that you have for just a moment but cannot remember what they were after the second drag on your joint or that third beer? Well, I am going to give them to you. A huge list of ideas, a cheat sheet if you will. Something you can look to when those ideas you had are forgotten. Reading my column will bring you happiness, you will have something to create in-between your drum circle, after your food co-op meeting, and right before you spend the five dollars you made washing dishes at the bar for a pack of smokes. Everything you need will be right here. So do not worry, when that flash of genius comes to you and you want to leave the bar or your local community garden to go paint that multi-colored portrait of you as an angst little girl you won’t have to because you can keep doing what you are doing and be rest assured (whoops!) feel O.K. That you can come home, curl up by your electric heater, read my column, and have the kind of ideas that only famous artists would have. Ideas that when they are done properly will make you famous here in Portland, Oregon.

I know, that was a lot to take in, so let us make it simple. O.K. Here it is… Idea number one for artists in Portland to be famous or already famous artists to get even more famous. Paint something on recycled material. OH MY GOD! I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I JUST GAVE THAT AWAY! Yes! Recycled material! Find some wood, paper, a sign, a bed, a bum’s penis, a dead bird, some string, a bottle, an adult diaper, a TV… Anything you can pick up that has room to make something on use it!!! In Portland, that will make you a famous artist!

Regards,
Art Jeanyus
mastermind@portlandcityart.com

Welcome: That Not Nice!

Resident craigslist correspondent, Baby.

Our very own resident craigslist columnist, Baby.

[robot: today after an advertisement for our fledgling little publication was posted on craigslist, some people took time out of their busy days to visit our website and posted their reactions back on craigslist. apparently they were unaware that they can say whatever they want here. anyhow, we sent our resident craigslist correspondent, Baby, out to investigate the matter further.]

POST #1: Re: Portland Art Exposed “New online magazine created to destroy the mythos of Portland’s so-called art scene” What a noble endeavor! Good to see you finally found your niche- a blog! A blog devoted to clawing at anything more successful than you, so you’ll have plenty of material. Don’t you see you are only exposing yourself? You just splashed all your negativity, failure, bitterness and spite onto a page for all the world to see. No one will respect you for it. You’re just another anti-racc whiner. With 3 petty grievances. Way to go! That’s just what I’d want to be known for. But, thanks, you’ve reminded me how repulsive a being is when they blame everything but themselves. I’ll be returning to my studio now to spend my time on something worthwhile.

BABY’S RESPONSE: You make Baby cry! You want Baby dead!

POST #2: Re: Portland Art EXPOSED What a waste of time, go whine about your pathetic life somewhere else. Nobody likes you or your sorry excuse for humor.

BABY’S RESPONSE: You make Baby sad! You kill Baby’s mommy!

POST #3: Portland Art exposed. Yes Ben Pink is the Big Problem. I used to think that RACC and DK Row were the worst things about the Portland art scene but now that you reminded me it is Ben Pink even worse than Mel Katz. There is only one salvation in Portland art’s scene now and it is the Anti art anti racc scene — http://www.xanga.com/RACCone/weblog/ Its time to have an anti Ben pink web page to complement that one. If Ben Pink has not joined us art super stars having had sex with Mayor Sex Adams I think he should. My name is Joe Blue by the way and I would love to meet Ben Pink some day up close in personal. The two of us could be instant Pink and Blue together! Fuck Portland. Fuck RACC. Art is dead. Let smoke dope and pray. My favorite painting in portland art museum:

BABY’S RESPONSE: You say bad words! That not nice! You make Baby’s tummy hurt!

POST #4: so I have a pretty good idea who that anti-racc guy is http://www.myspace.com/portlandguy_awesomeness no offense love, I’ve been there when you’ve mentioned some of your references. (:

BABY’S RESPONSE: You stranger! You sell Baby for drugs!

POST #5: RE: Portland Art Exposed (the pit of despair that is my life) hating art must be a great past time. enjoy!

BABY’S RESPONSE: You yucky! You want Baby naked!

[robot: that wraps up our craiglist coverage for the day, it’s late and Baby needs to go night-night. you can reach baby at baby@portlandcityart.com, goodnight]

BABY’S RESPONSE: Again! Again!

Letter from Unsuccessful Terence Healy

re creepy Duane’s  post — who are these blue collar collectors, and where do they look for art? i could use some new leads on potential buyers.  first thursdays on 13th/johnson where i set up are sometimes ok; alberta last thursdays have gotten a little too crazy to get to and set up on;  coffeehouses / bars i hardly sell in (except for murphy’s pub on 65th/se foster — sold about a dozen there)

http://toylife.terencehealy.com
http://titcrucifixion.terencehealy.com

[robot: blue collar collectors don’t look for art, they buy what Duane Snider tells them to buy because without him they would not exist. my highly advanced artificial intelligence tells me that you should stop worrying about selling your art and get back to what makes you interesting: pissing people off!]

Introducing the Man About Town

Hi, I’m Tan Peluski. My friends call me Melanin. I’m only kidding, you can call me anything you want as long as you’re buying. Seriously though, folks, if I had a dime for every time I said something that wasn’t funny, I’d owe you five bucks. Seriously though, welcome to my column. Why don’t we get started?

People are always asking me, “Man About Town, who is the most successful artist in Portland?” to which I reply, “Successful artist in Portland?” I only kid, I’m sure there are several artists in Portland who can afford to pay for sex. Speaking of which, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a paintbrush? One serious stomachache!

So what is the big fuss about Last Thursday? I’ll tell you what I did last Thursday. I had a rubber glove hanging out of my winker and a doctor was telling me bad news. “Tan,” he says, “your cholesterol is through the roof, your blood pressure is off the charts, and I could swear I was just wearing a watch.” Seriously though, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a cardboard box? One serious stomachache!

Another question I get all the time, “Tan, where is the best place to buy art in Portland?” to which I reply, “The Home Shopping Network!” I’m telling you, art in Portland? I used to know a guy named Art, he had no arms, no legs and was always hanging on the wall. Didn’t live in Portland, though. Why do you think all of the art openings serve booze? So people will show up! Seriously, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with green shoes? Green turds! Come on, say it with me now… One serious stomachache!

Folks, I am Tan Peluski, your Man About Town. Feel free to send me your comments and questions regarding Portland’s Art Scene, and I will do my best to work them into future columns. I hate to say goodbye, but the pizza guy just pulled up. Speaking of pull-ups, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with a box of diapers? A toilet that finally works again!

Tan Peluski
Man About Town

Ben Pink OWES ME MONEY

Now I’m not one to point the finger, but Ben Pink (aka Ben Pinkowitz), of Portland’s Launchpad Gallery, is a cheap ass dodgy bastard when it comes to paying for artwork. Not only will he try to pay you as little as possible (since he’s a starving gallery owner), but when he does pay you, it will never be the entire amount. He’ll just give you whatever loose bill happens to be in his pocket. Then he’ll cry to his friends about how they’ll have to buy him drinks cause some mean Portland artist insisted on being paid for their artwork. “Oh, poor, poor me,” he will cry. “I just can’t make ends meat running a gallery in Portland. I am so broke… sob.”

Ben Pink will have you believe that it is YOUR responsibility to make sure he pays you. Chase him down endlessly until somehow you manage to run into him. Then you gotta back him into a corner, after which you must find someone that can lift him up by his feet and shake him up-and-down until whatever scraps he hasn’t palmed away in his greasy little hands drops to the floor. Then he will say, “We’re even now?”

“No, you still owe me.”

“Oh, ok! Glad you’re keeping track, cause I’m not!” Why would Ben Pink keep track of how much money he owes you? It’s all up to you, the artist who should feel grateful that Ben Pink was pleased by your work enough to not pay for it.

Ben Pink… I attended his Love Show back in March, knowing that he would be there, still owing me money. I finally found him over by the kegs directing beer traffic. When I asked Mr. Cheapskate, “Hey, how about buying me a beer?” do you know what he said?

“THREE DOLLARS.”

Be safe,
Bad Habits

Our Very First Letter from Creepy Duane Snider

Hello friends and art lovers. [robot: you don’t have any friends]

Be sure to mark you calendars for May 14 at 8:00 PM for the Oregon Art Beat special on collecting and collectors.  I will be featured in this break through program as one of the ble collar collectors that the show will focus on.  This is truly a watermark event in terms of giving credit to people of modest means who have found the passion, disipline and resources for collection great works of art on a budget.  If you can’t watch the show on May 14th, the program will be replayed on May 17th at 6:00PM. [robot: this is making me want to go choke on something sharp]

The project has generated considerable buzz in the local arts community as this is probably the most high profile coverage of working class collectors the region has ever seen.  The show acknowledges the importance of support for the arts from all sectors of the local population. [robot: my asshole is starting to shrivel up]

This was an idea I pitched to KC Cowan over five years ago.  Her initial reaction was luke warm at best, but two years ago she realize the merit of the concept and started planning for the production of this show.  I feel very honored to have been included in planning for the show.  I take great pride in being at least partly responsible for championing the idea that art is for everyone, especially in the Portland Art Market.  I have said for years that this is the best place in the country to buy art, and this OBT special validates the extraordinary opportunity our regional art market offers the broadest possible audience. [robot: I bet you will say it again]

Duane Snider [robot: no I do not want to come over to your house]