The only thing worse than a Nazi is a vegetarian.

Nazi Vegetarians abort baby chickens.

Brothers and sisters of the ethical way, I know that we can all agree that meat-eaters, even the so-called ethical omnivore or localvore, are sadistic death mongers, deserving of hatred and ridicule. And while these people are certainly the Hitlers of our time, I actually want to write today about a group of people who are even worse than serial murderers who call themselves omnivores. I’m talking, of course, about vegetarians.

Vegetarians are the worst kind of hypocrites because they claim to love animals so much they could never eat them.

“I love animals, I don’t eat them.”

“I never eat anything that had a face.”

“I’m a vegetarian because eating animals is cruel.”

Do you know what I have to say to these vegetarians?

FUCK YOU.

That’s right. Fuck you, you hypocritical scumbag. Don’t you know that egg COULD have had a face if only you hadn’t forced that sweet, harmless momma chicken to abort her babies so you could have a fucking omelet?

You say you love all animals? Really? Really, you do?! Because if you love cows as much as your precious dogs and cats, I’m wondering why you don’t get your cat pregnant and then ship those sweet kittens off to slaughter so you can enjoy some cat milk on your cereal in the morning? Huh, asshole? How about forcing your cat to stand in a cage all day, while high powered suckers are attached to her little kitty nipples and the milk is squeezed out so forcibly that a small percentage of blood and puss comes out with it? How would that be on some fucking Cap’n Crunch?

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I grossing you out? Well maybe you’d prefer some Dog Butter? Or how about Horse Cheese? I’m sure your beloved pet bitch wouldn’t mind living in a tiny cage and spending long miserable days having it’s titties sucked dry so you can make a couple of grams of Dog Butter, right? Do you think that seems cruel?

Guess what, dickhead? It is cruel, and you’re no better than the meat-eating Nazi’s. You have no right to call yourself ethical, or merciful or a lover of animals. Remember that lonely forgotten kitty hooked up to that cold, hard milking machine next time you get a hankering for cheese pizza, and for the love of God remember that all that melty, gooey cheese is nothing but pain and suffering incarnate.

Once again, we can only conclude that everybody who isn’t a vegan is a Nazi.

Orin Starr, Citizens Ashamed of The Nest

Local activist and Lesbian swinger Orin Starr leading a group of anti-rude bingo night protesters outside of "The Nest" a bar in Portland, Oregon.

When most people think of bars in Portland Oregon good times and good beer come to mind. Even The Nest, Alberta street’s hot-spot for local well dressed liberals such as Orin Starr has been known for it’s comfortable atmosphere, cheap beer, and loud music set against a backdrop of fine rotating artwork curated by local celebrity Chris Haberman. What happens, though, when a local hangout, once a meeting point for well-cologned, high-class hipsters goes south? It becomes a Mecca for disgusting, disturbing, delusional,  racist, sexist, classist and homophobic outcries of slander and distaste masked by the power of the First Amendment.

On Sunday May 8th, 2011 Orin Starr entered The Nest like he does every other day of the week, hopped up on anti-depressents and exhausted after a long hard day of customer service at a local Co-Op. What did he want? He wanted what every other person in the bar wanted that night: a beer and an atmosphere that allowed him the opportunity to peep some fresh female clam as they say. What did he get, you ask? A first hand lesson in freedom of speech! Quietly enjoying his drink, Orin and his wingman for the night couldn’t help but notice it was Bingo Night, but what they failed to recognize was the well-posted and immediately visible signs stating “Sunday night at The Nest is we get to say what ever the fuck we want bingo night”. That’s right, readers, it was Rude Bingo Night.

After listening to the guy at the microphone berate gentle folks waiting for the bathroom with malicious slanderous comments, Orin turned to his wingman (a person who intelligently chooses to remain anonymous) and says, “Fuck this piece of shit with his whole I have a beard and balls attitude, I’m gonna fuck his shit up!” Orin’s wingman, Christianly as a kitten’s vagina, chose to turn the other cheek and ignore the barrage of bingo inspired insults, and quietly sipped his or her beer. Orin, however, could not just sit by while the ears of decent folks everywhere were subjected to  such harsh and vile abuse, and cried out, “Hey dumb fuckin’ dick for brains! This is Portland! We don’t hurt people’s feelings here you fucking piece of shit!”

Unfortunately Orin had no idea what he had gotten himself into. Being that he had completely ignored the well-posted signs describing the event of the evening in clear and vivid detail, the man-bear at the microphone took this as someone wanting to play along with the evening’s festivities, and really gave Orin a piece of his mind…. (Here at PortlandCityArt.com we strive ourselves to bring you up to date slanderous bullshit without censorship ,but the words exchanged in that moment at the bar were so degrading and shameful that even WE couldn’t stomach printing them in this article…….) Once the extended exchange of poetic hate had come down from its’ inevitable climax, Orin turned to the bartender to complain. The bartender ,though, had only this to say: “Bitch, put a dick in it!”

Disgusted by the entire situation and distraught by the not so sensitive energy at the bar, Orin fell victim to the violence and unleashed a flurry of ice cubes in the direction of Mr. Rude Bingo. A fist fight soon broke out, bottles were smashed, Starr’s friend was dragged from the bar by his or her front-facing ponytail and Orin, well… he was later found bloodied and hunching over in the alley like a lump of used dog shit (as opposed to brand new dog shit, straight from the ass).

Customers at the bar refused to comment on the situation, and even Portland’s finest were not able to get a statement regarding the scene of events that unfolded that evening. Was Orin Starr an unsuspecting victim of a hate crime or just a mild mannered customer pushed to the edge of violent rage by a tasteless lower then human life form holding the mic that night? Is this what our fair city is coming to? Bars that once housed the meek and sensitive now playgrounds for dirty mouthed trash talkers with a taste for violence against she-men? Is the first amendment really that important? Did Portland lose its sense of humor? Did it ever HAVE a sense of humor? Whatever the reason, whatever the justification, Portland has failed in the eyes of its’ citizens, and The Nest is the thorn that continues to break the CIty of Rose’s back.

 

Matthew Haggett has MUTANT BABIES!

Local Portland artist Matthew Haggett… or is it Haggerty?… What was I saying? Oh right, Matthew Haggett has mutant babies! His mutant children were found nestled together with their siblings in a box found on the corner of North Williams and Prescott street in NE Portland.

Witnesses found the box early Sunday morning covered tightly with a thick wool blanket. One witness heard yelping and tiny voices pleading for help and as they lifted the blanket they were astonished with what they found.

Local authorities were called to the scene after several 911 phone calls regarding abandoned children. At first nobody had any idea where the freak babies came from, but according to experts, evidence suggested that their beards were very recently manicured. “Haggerty, famous for his obsessive compulsive meticulous beard trimming, not to mention his romantic flings with non-humans, is the obvious suspect. Once we were able to get a match on his DNA and some fibers left in the babies’ beards, we had our man.”

Haggett was unavailable for comment, but if we could ask him one question it would be this: Matthew, why didn’t you just leave them at a hospital or fire station??? Perhaps we will never know.