Around the Mayor’s Waist in Sixty Seconds

Good evening, Portland! Salvia Darling here, coming to you live from the side of the Willamette River. I would tell you which side, but as heartache starts to become a widespread epidemic amongst my young, female anchor-groupies, I have set my cloaking device to engage.

Portland's Mayor at a Jenny Craig seminar.

This just in! the Mayor could stand to lose some weight! The Mayor was spotted recently at a Jenny Craig seminar, and was thought to be there to rally support in the overweight female community, [censored by Salvia] Adams-haters. Just before this photo was taken, he asked the Ladies of Craig if his pants made him look fat, to which they unanimously laughed and [censored by Salvia]. I know it looks like those are his hands on his hips, but if you look close you can tell it’s actually flabby hip-meat protruding upwards. If you look really close you can see the fishing wire. Looks like somebody’s been using the elevator!

This just in! Portland Police carry guns! On Monday, March 22nd, Portland police shot an unidentified white man (sic) to death. (for those of you that need further explanation of such a fantastic event, he was homeless) Apparently, the man was [censored by Salvia] and [censored by Salvia] people at Washington Park, and when officers arrived he approached them with a razor blade, cutting his own [censored by Salvia]. The tragic thing is, a homeless guy finally gets his hands on a shaving device, and the cops shoot him for it. This is an example of Portland’s impenetrable class system at work, hey homeless guys, the powers that be in this fair city would like you to stay in your [censored by Salvia] and keep washing those windshields. Put down your razor blades, and your bars of soap. You will always be second class citizens in the Rose City. Get used to it, or get shot several times.

This just in! Caligula was an interesting person! This just in! Corey Haim was also an interesting person! Inside joke, but who isn’t interesting in this day and age? We all have camera crews following us around, we all have hair and makeup people taking care of our appearance. We have press secretaries, personal assistants, bodyguards, producers ringing the phone off the hook day and night… Underage groupies ready to bang. No wait, that’s just me.

This just in! Salvia Darling has five teenage chicks to bang tonight and only two rubbers! You do the math, people. Do I keep using the first one until it breaks, and then go with the backup, or do I bareback the three that seem the most clean, and hope for a timely pullout? Think of it like a story problem, what’s the answer to Salvia’s riddle Portland?

Things That are Hard

THIS JUST IN! Being an artist is hard. I’m talking to you guys out there, you “Art [censored by Salvia]” that are always carrying on about how things are not [censored by Salvia] or [censored by Salvia]. You are right, but if you think [censored by Salvia] as an artist is hard, check out the next incoming bulletin.

THIS JUST IN! Life is hard. So yes, you are special because you like to [censored by Salvia] around being [censored by Salvia] and acting [censored by Salvia]. Oh, poor me, I’m an artist and I can’t pay my rent. I can’t find a job. Guess what, [censored by Salvia], check out where I’m working!!! Nowhere!!! I ain’t gettin’ paid for this!!! This is free media, [censored by Salvia], I can say whatever I want and so can you! That’s not hard, but life sure as hell is!

THIS JUST IN! Art in Portland is on the rise. I almost choked on my [censored by Salvia] when I saw this headline. Guess who else was surprised? NOBODY. How could Art in Portland go any direction but up? I suppose if it had a [censored by Salvia] it could [censored by Salvia] its’ way to the center of the Earth, but we’re talking about Art in Portland. It’s in the sub-basement of the [censored by Salvia] building, people. Yes, it’s on the rise. It’s always going to be on the rise. Where do you go from rock bottom? Up, you snapperheads. Up!

THIS JUST IN! Sam Adams is still Mayor. The committee that formed to kick Mayor Adams out of office was completely unsuccessful. As a source at RecallSamAdams.com told one of our reporters: “As many of you [censored by Salvia] read in the news we came so very close to getting a recall election. I need each of you to know that all of our hard [censored by Salvia] this hot summer impressed [censored by Salvia], to the point that a group of [censored by Salvia] are now coming forward to create an [censored by Salvia] for professional campaign management and [censored by Salvia] signature gathers to work with [censored by Salvia] to reset the [censored by Salvia] on Sam Adams.” Hey, this just in, people, he’s the Mayor. It’s too late. Stop voting for someone and then [censored by Salvia] about it when you find out they are [censored by Salvia] later. He’s a politician. It’s his job to lie. If anything, next time vote for someone that is [censored by Salvia]. Vote for Tan Peluski!

Gay Mayor Into Decorative Art

THIS JUST IN! Portland curators have plenty of art to choose from. In the wake of our great nation’s economic [censored by Salvia], more and more people have turned to their creative talents (or lack-there-of) looking to make a buck. The market in Portland has become so [censored by Salvia] with artists and their wares, [censored by Salvia] such as Ben Pink have turned to unconventional methods to select their [censored by Salvia] artists. An anonymous curator had this to say: “I tend to make my decision based on how well I know the artist in question. If I never met them, that’s a definite no. If we are good friends, that’s a definite maybe. Anyone in between, well, that just has to do with how well they [censored by Salvia].” Then he rode off into the sunset wearing his pink unitard on his pink unicycle.

THIS JUST IN! Rain in the forecast for Portland. Several [censored by Salvia] artists were caught unprepared for the unexpected change in weather over the weekend. Artist Jon Graeter was particularly pissed off after water fell onto the [censored by Salvia] that he was in the middle of stenciling a [censored by Salvia] pattern onto. No amount of [censored by Salvia] corrugated cardboard and shopping cart parts could [censored by Salvia] his [censored by Salvia] masterpiece. “My [censored by Salvia] are ruined! What is this, fucking Waterworld? Do I have gills?” Well, Jon, if track marks also allow you to breathe underwater, then yes, you have gills.

THIS JUST IN! Gay mayor is into decorative art. In a shocking development, [censored by Salvia] mayor Sam [censored by Salvia] has declared himself to be “a fan of art and artists, especially those that decorate”. He was even spotted during [censored by Salvia] period making out with a high school senior whose call to art is creating sculptures from orally polished doorknobs. Perhaps the most influential gay man of our time, [censored by Salvia], gave me his thoughts on this hot topic, and the [censored by Salvia] had this to say: “What a fucking pussy!”

THIS JUST IN! Charlie Alan Kraft took a shower. In preparation for the upcoming holidays, the Kraft family (which consists of [censored by Salvia], a dirty sock, and Mayor McCheese) has decided to finally let Portland artist Charlie Alan Kraft eat at the Big Kid’s Table (BKT). Kraft has been waiting on the BKT list for over 15 years now–since his 18th birthday–due to concerns about Charlie’s [censored by Salvia] hygiene habits. Last week, however, in a [censored by Salvia] haze, Charlie Alan Kraft [censored by Salvia] and fell into the shower, bumped his [censored by Salvia] on the water controls, and was [censored by Salvia] touched by water. A still unidentified [censored by Salvia] ran into the room and accosted him with soap and [censored by Salvia] before Kraft was able to regain his [censored by Salvia]. The dirty sock had this to say: “I think it’s great that he showered and everything, but as far as I’m concerned, Thanksgiving is [censored by Salvia].”