The Illicit Fart of Murals – Exploring Matt Stangel’s Prettiest Underwear

Seriously, Tan here to talk about my liver, no really my liver and how it felt after I drank myself silly just to finish Matt Stangel’s article on the prettiest walls in Portland. prettiest walls? Matt the prettiest walls in Portland are in your bedroom painted with our love. Oh seriously. After that poor first paragraph where you regurgitated very little actually information about the Portland/Clear channel law suit It was clear I was in for a literal masterpiece. Really now I stopped to take a look at a photo of my ex wife then realized she was pictured in the photo of the mural at the beggining of your article. Oh seriously she is looking great! Waning sign code era? Wow! My ex wife waned but only when we had sex, Seriously. So with unfiortunate dispair ahead of me I printed out your article at Kinkos and followed your Mural walk through the city. Unbelievable! I found myself now where near the path your article was supposed to send me on, Seriously I must have been drunk! Really I was! After realized your article was becoming a pain in my kidneys I tossed it some guys yard on Belmont and headed for the nearest urgent care, I needed some pain medicine, seriously that painting of my ex wife was really getting to me. Really now nice article, can I have a heart attack now please! Seriously! Where those the only murals in Portland you could find or were those just murals of people you hadn’t bent over for recently and were looking for some brown star points for mentioning their names. Seriously my ex wife gets a brown star but not from me… Seriously she loves it. What is a brown star? Seriously what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Matt Stengal’s mural walk of the prettiest walls in Portland? This ones easy! Seriously just think a bit longer… Keep thinking.. O.k. fine, seriously ” A fat guy wishing he had never walked around looking at all of Matt’s pretty walls cause now he is tired and bored.” Seriously, there are a lot more murals out , good one’s too! Oh seriously and they are not all in SE.. Check out Chris Gayberman’s I mean Haberman’s and Jennifer mercedes on Alberta street at Francis restaurant, 2338 NE Alberta. How about Tom Kramer’s mural on NE williams and Shaver. How about work Klutch has done on the garage door of the Poy Boy art studio/frame shop and the garage door across the street from them. Seriously though I havre to take a dump, your article is goign to make great toilet paper when I am finished. Tan peluski is out of the office and headed on another adventure, really now not with my ex wife. Seriously .. o.k.. really, seriously this is it.. I’m finished..  no really… Matt Stengal like’s Jessie reno’s pubic hair, seriously… No that was joke.. really now…

Approximate @ galleryHOMELAND

Art: Pleasure to work with you, Tan. Your swollen red nose and beer stained shirt precede you. Our subject today is rather simpleton, we have been asked to critique a John Motley article from the Portland Mercury, a darling little publication worth its’ weight in soiled bedsheets. In it he praises the collaborative installation, Approximate, currently disturbing those unfortunate enough to find themselves scurrying the hallways of galleryHOMELAND. I believe I will let you have the floor, Tan, as this sort of thing deserves your brand of commentary.

Tan: Well thank you, Art. Nice to actually see your face, although I think I still prefer the back of your head! Seriously, though, it’s time to talk some art. Who’s buying my next shot? Seriously, folks, make that a shot and a beer. Speaking of shots, have you heard the one about the fat guy?

Art: Have you heard of a thesaurus?

Tan: What do you get when you cross a fat guy with the world’s most intelligent man? Smart food, oh! I have been touched by an anus! Seriously, though…

Art: The article…

Tan: Yeah, so John Motley… the Crue called, they don’t need another drummer, give it up already! Seriously, though, your drumming can’t be any worse than your writing, maybe they will get tired of Tommy Lee constantly bringing in tons of hot famous chicks and give you a shot. Speaking of shots…

Art: What is your take on Motley’s article, Tan?

Tan: Of course, after reading the article my best piece of advice for him is this: quit your day job! Seriously, though, I hope your drumming is better than your writing. As far as this whole TILT Export, roving trash compactor gallery thing goes… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a failing Portland gallery? A failing gallery that closed and still does shows in other galleries!

Art: Your keen wit pales in comparison to your unearthly ability to consume liquor.

Tan: Seriously, though, great work, Motley. The more I drink the more I like it. Speaking of sex with my last ex-wife, what do you get when you cross a fat guy with the Portland Mercury? A circulation of over 40,000! Seriously, folks, I am drunk, and I think this installation thing that Damien Gilley and Ethan Rose put together is incredible. Looks like special ed is finally paying dividends. What do you get when you cross a fat guy and a short bus? You get boxes made out of masking tape that get smaller. Reminds me of another ex-wife, except I had to tape her box open and it never got smaller! I’m only kidding…

Art: I’m buying you another shot for that one.

Tan: Architectural blueprints really do wonders for a gallery wall, I just wish I had some for my ex-wife. I’d be hot, hard, and single! Seriously, though, unless you’re drunk or three years old, avoid the galleryHOMELAND and get back to your Master’s degree in masking tape. Only joking… What do you get when you cross a fat guy with a Master’s degree? An educated guy that still can’t find his penis!

Art: I believe there is little point in continuing this. We have already given enough publicity and time to such a dire waste of non-talent. Now, Tan, if you will do the honor…

Tan: Sure thing, your majesty! This has been Visual Fart Review, Art Floyd and Tan Zeppelin signing out.