The only thing worse than a Nazi is a vegetarian.

Nazi Vegetarians abort baby chickens.

Brothers and sisters of the ethical way, I know that we can all agree that meat-eaters, even the so-called ethical omnivore or localvore, are sadistic death mongers, deserving of hatred and ridicule. And while these people are certainly the Hitlers of our time, I actually want to write today about a group of people who are even worse than serial murderers who call themselves omnivores. I’m talking, of course, about vegetarians.

Vegetarians are the worst kind of hypocrites because they claim to love animals so much they could never eat them.

“I love animals, I don’t eat them.”

“I never eat anything that had a face.”

“I’m a vegetarian because eating animals is cruel.”

Do you know what I have to say to these vegetarians?

FUCK YOU.

That’s right. Fuck you, you hypocritical scumbag. Don’t you know that egg COULD have had a face if only you hadn’t forced that sweet, harmless momma chicken to abort her babies so you could have a fucking omelet?

You say you love all animals? Really? Really, you do?! Because if you love cows as much as your precious dogs and cats, I’m wondering why you don’t get your cat pregnant and then ship those sweet kittens off to slaughter so you can enjoy some cat milk on your cereal in the morning? Huh, asshole? How about forcing your cat to stand in a cage all day, while high powered suckers are attached to her little kitty nipples and the milk is squeezed out so forcibly that a small percentage of blood and puss comes out with it? How would that be on some fucking Cap’n Crunch?

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I grossing you out? Well maybe you’d prefer some Dog Butter? Or how about Horse Cheese? I’m sure your beloved pet bitch wouldn’t mind living in a tiny cage and spending long miserable days having it’s titties sucked dry so you can make a couple of grams of Dog Butter, right? Do you think that seems cruel?

Guess what, dickhead? It is cruel, and you’re no better than the meat-eating Nazi’s. You have no right to call yourself ethical, or merciful or a lover of animals. Remember that lonely forgotten kitty hooked up to that cold, hard milking machine next time you get a hankering for cheese pizza, and for the love of God remember that all that melty, gooey cheese is nothing but pain and suffering incarnate.

Once again, we can only conclude that everybody who isn’t a vegan is a Nazi.

C.O.C.K. G.A.G. Brings Portland Artists and Animal Rights Together

In the world of animal rights, no organization has done more for the plight of non-human animals than C.O.C.K. (Compassion Over Cruelty and Killing). As the world’s most perfect and pure vegan, I only support non-profit organizations whose message is for animal rights not animal welfare. If you don’t know the difference, then you’re probably the type of asshole who puts bacon on a veggie burger. The good people at C.O.C.K. know the difference. They know that farm animals are just hairy people who can’t talk or open a door. They know that in the peaceful world of nature an animal should never be food for another animal. It’s about rights people! Rights for all living, breathing creatures that don’t make their own food through photosynthesis. I mean, fuck, it’s not that hard to understand!

So when I heard that my old friend John Graeter is opening a new gallery this First Thursday, I knew this was the perfect opportunity to merge my dual loves of animal rights and Portland art. I will have my 100% vegan mandalas for sale tomorrow at Graeter Art Gallery (G.A.G.) and all of my profits from Thursday’s sales will go to C.O.C.K.’s campaign to end the senseless cruelty of chicken choking. I mean, even disgusting dairy eating vegetarians and the brutal Nazi’s who call themselves “omnivores” can all agree that choking chickens is sick and wrong.

So please come down to G.A.G. and buy one of my vegan mandalas in support of C.O.C.K’s efforts to end chicken choking for good. Thanks to John Graeter and his C.O.C.K. support, we may soon see the end of chicken choking.

G.A.G. Opening
October 6, 2011 from 5pm – 10pm
131 NW 2nd Ave,
Portland, OR, 97209

The Hippie Jesus is TOTALLY GAY for the Dalai Lama

The other day while I was hanging out in my tree house on Hawthorne, I overheard some teenagers having a disgusting conversation. I believe these teenagers identified with what I’ve heard is called the “emo” subculture as they all had extremely feminine haircuts and tight pants. One teenage boy said to his friend, “If you had to go gay, who would you go gay with?” His friend refused to answer so the first teenager elaborated. “I mean if someone forced you. Like you had to give a dude a hummer to survive.”

Finally, the other boy responded. He said, “Well, if I had to give a dude a hummer, I guess I’d pick a guy who looked like a chick. I dunno maybe Russell Brand?”

While, I, the Hippie Jesus have no idea who this Russell Brand person is, but it got me thinking about men loving each other. Men should be able to openly express their love for one another without fear of condemnation and although the conversation detailed above does slightly offend me, I felt the need to come out with my profound and deep love for the Dalai Lama.
That’s right, you homophobes, I am totally gay for His Holiness. When I look at pictures of the Dalai Lama, all I can see is a man who lives at peace with all living things. If you look closely, I mean with if you look with your heart, you will see the gentle green-gold aura of a man who respects all life. His eyes twinkle with wisdom. His hands are soft and passive.
As someone who has refrained from eating flesh for over six incarnations, I see in him the same reverence and purity. Buddhists, as you probably know, abhor all killing and that makes his holiness a perfect human being in my eyes.
To be honest, I didn’t know very much about the Dalai Lama when I started writing this article. All I really knew was told to me by an ex-girlfriend who attended Naropa University and she spoke of him as though he were some kind of living god. However, just now, I looked up the Dalai Lama on wikipedia and discovered that Tibetan Buddhists are not vegan. Frankly, it was a little shocking. Apparently, although their entire philosophy is based around non-violence, they dodge their moral obligation to animals by accepting any and all food that is donated to them, even flesh!
I was going to delete this article entirely, but then I started thinking about it and I realized that my original premise still holds. As the emo kid said, I had to give a man a hummer, I mean if I was tied up and forced, I guess I would perform fellaio His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. Those hands are really soft.

Babies: Give Vegan a Chance, No a REAL Chance.

It has come to the attention of I, the Hippie Jesus, that there is a disgruntled baby who regularly posts on this page and he has recently taken to making disparaging remarks about myself, veganism and vegan food. Although I will not engage in a written debate with a baby, this does bring to light a serious topic on which I have been meaning to expound: the filthy practice of feeding babies from their mother’s breasts.

As a vegan, I have entered into a covenant with the animals of this planet. They know instinctively when they meet me that I am a friend. The Hippie Jesus has refrained from eating all animal related products for the past six incarnations of his life and that kind of commitment to the animals does not go unnoticed. It is as if they smell the peacefulness on me and even a mosquito will refrain from sipping my sweet, pure blood because he instinctively realized that I am on his side. Most vegans now realize that maintaining their animal purity means refraining from eating all animal products, or feeding others animal products, but some vegans, sadly, have overlooked one key area.

There are some of my brethren out there who believe that feeding babies breast milk is a normal, healthy thing to do. The Hippie Jesus would like to know how feeding a baby you’re own milky waste by-products is normal? Sure your body naturally makes milk when you’re pregnant, but guess what? It makes spit too and would you spit in your babies mouth? No, you would not.

As we can all agree that animals should not be enslaved by humans for meat or milk or even honey, why is that we allow perfectly healthy, beautiful vegan mothers to pollute their babies with this milky body waste as though they were sad, enslaved dairy cattle?

You know, I once did a tree sit with a lovely girl named Marigold who had recently given birth to her son whom she named Cas-Cannibis. Now the little tyke was cute, and it was fun to hold him over the side of the tree and let him defecate on loggers, but when it came to feeding time the whole sorry mess made me sick to my stomach. The poor mother would have to stop what she was doing at all hours of the day and night, just to pop her lovely breast in the screaming baby’s mouth. This woman was like a dairy cow chained up to a milking machine and the food she was feeding her son obviously produced a whole litany of unnatural side effects like drowsiness, flatulence, diarrhea and vomiting.

Marigold and I parted ways not long after little Cas-Cannibas was born simply because I couldn’t bear to watch them both suffer under the misguided notion that breastfeeding is a natural – even necessary act. There are so many other natural things to feed babies. Plant-based baby foods like soy formula, hemp formula, almond-rice-soy formula and raw veggie juice, for instance. There was no need for this lovely vegan woman to defile her pristine breasts with the filthy mouth of her offspring. I suspect that the baby posting on this page has emotional problems due to his diet and that is why I’m letting him get away with his thoughtless, uninformed babblings. The Hippie Jesus will take a pass when it comes to picking on babies, but he will not take a pass on breast feeders.

If you are a breastfeeding mother, you are NOT a true vegan, nor are you a feminist. You are impure and on the path to destruction. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself back to sucking on the teat of the dairy industry. Heed my warning, so-called vegan mothers. You need only look into the eye of a dairy cow slave to truly know what side you are on.

The World According to Vegan

Everyday more and more people are tossing aside the shackles of cruelty and embracing the compassionate and ethical path of the vegan, but sadly, many of them are doing it for all the wrong reasons. Becoming a vegan isn’t about making a healthier lifestyle choice or about making a minuscule, but still completely relevant, impact on the environment. Becoming a vegan is nothing short of a religious experience.

Once a person manages to wash away all traces of the blood of his fellow creatures, the soul of that person is reborn. Being a vegan is not a way of life; it is an evolution in consciousness that takes you closer to ultimate truth, purity and perfection.

I myself have been a vegan for the past six of my lives, and I can attest to the spiritual clarity and wisdom that comes from becoming truly pure. Vegans like myself coexist peacefully with nature, like a tree lives in a forest or a cactus lives in the desert. We harm none and in doing so, we have ascended to a new level of reality.

It is no surprise that flesh eaters are falling down dead in greater and greater numbers from obesity related illnesses. The animals will have their revenge and that revenge is diabetes, cancer and heart disease! Those who consume flesh think they have the right to commit murder of their fellow creatures, but who gets the last laugh? Those kind gentle farm animals do by depositing their tiny cholesterol bombs throughout the bodies of the unpure. Wake up, murderers! Karmic retribution is on its way in the form of hardening arteries and diabetic comas!

Sadly most people are spiritually asleep and will never know the profound love, beauty and wisdom that comes with veganism. While I believe it is the duty of every vegan to enlighten the world and guide others to the path of perfection, I am primarily writing this column for those who have already seen the light. I decided that it was high time that somebody came forward and talked about the real reason we all become vegans: to be better people, better than flesh eaters and thus better than nearly everyone we know.

Vegans face so many challenges on their path to enlightenment and I, the Hippie Jesus, am stepping forward to guide, encourage and love those few brave souls ascending to perfection. There are too many blogs and books by skinny bitches out there focusing on the health benefits of veganism, loosing weight by becoming vegan or worse those that merely provide vegan recipes and self-indulgent photos of every single meal they eat. We must rise above these trivial mundane concerns and focus on remaining pure, and therefore, more evolved than the rest of the world.

If you are a vegan, I invite you to come back and check regularly for more articles on how to be a better person through veganism. I hope to cover topics such as:

How to avoid touching people who may have touched dead flesh.

Fake meats: the devil in disguise.

Living with tapeworms, our parasitic friends.

Outing faux vegans (Pamela Anderson, I’m talking to you.)

I know yogurt has living cultures, but does it have a soul?

Stay tuned in, my brothers and sisters of peace, for this and more enlightening discourse. Until then, “Namaste.”