How to Keep From Starving as an Artist in Portland

Hard to believe I am still here feeding you cool cats the “real deal” on such a regular basis–that means I do it a lot. Times are hard out on the streets of Portland, especially as an artist. I mean, I get it, gang. We can’t all master the bio-rhythms of eight dimensions while shaving with our minds. I had to rough it once, I did half an hour in a Clackamas jail and was forced to mow the lawn. Let’s just say that my practical jokester buddy Tan Peluski thought it would be super funny to spike my inhaler with ether. I had a cold at the time, so I didn’t detect the… I couldn’t smell the shit and it fucked me up for a little while, dudes. I feel your pain.

It would be easy to despair (oops!) feel like shit about thing the way that they are, but fear no more, because your distant evolutionary cousin, Art Jeanyus, has his hands on the key that unlocks the door to one of the most magic, mysterious, fantastic, well guarded, whispered about in important bathrooms, conglomerate, hypothetical… lol, sorry guys, sometimes I can’t help myself and I just start using big words that mean different things just to see the reactions on your faces. Telepathic, remember? Yeah, I saw what you were doing a minute ago.

AWESOME BUSINESS IDEAS

I have compiled a list of the top 5 business ideas for the Portland artist to have on the side. Special consideration (oops!) favoritism (shit!) I mean thought extra hard to find ones that were a) under the table; b) legal; c) very easy to get going; don’t worry, I got it. 🙂

  1. Toilet
    That’s right, you can be a toilet. A port-a-potty. Many people would pay good money to shower you in shit and piss onto you. Requires absolutely no thought, talent, or capitol (oops!) I mean starting money. The only drawback to this one is the smell, but they make nose-plugs, or you could just keep some Jolly Ranchers in your pocket for emergencies.
  2. Fast Food, Slow Delivery
    You like to get drunk and wander around aimlessly as it is, so you might as well make some money while you’re doing it. If you walk around the Lloyd Center area, for example, you have proximity (damn!) you’re close to a whole bunch of places. Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, no, wait.. KFC isn’t there any more. My point is, all you need is a cell phone and a sharpie marker. Write down your number on the wall of the restaurants and have it say “call for delivery”. Just wander as usual, but write down orders with that sharpie (you’ll need paper too), pick up money from people when you happen to be nearby and drop off their food when you get a chance. Add in a $5 delivery fee too, because this is important, anyone desperate enough to have fast food delivered is in no way shape or form going to argue over the details. Don’t limit yourself to just fast food, either, once you get the hang of it, you can pick up and deliver all kinds of things for people! You wander around aimlessly anyways, so you might as well carry things for people while you’re at it.
  3. Handjobs
    Everywhere you look, there is a man desperate enough to pay you $20 for a handjob. Since you’re an artist, you’re good with your hands, so it will be a natural enough feeling. Even if you’re bad at it, this should add up to at least $40 an hour. Just pretend it’s a paintbrush and your mouth is an eager blank canvas. Remember, when the cops ask, he paid you back for a bar tab, and you were just thanking him properly.

I know I said it would be 5 jobs, but you know what? Those three are plenty for now. I don’t want to give you too much to take in all at once. If these don’t work out for you, never fear, for I will soon be sharing with you the secret of turning air into money. No kidding, man.

Art Jeanyus

First Thursday is Fuckin’ RAD

Art Jeanyus here, back from a world-wide expedition to bring you the latest (and not so latest) news on what’s happening out there in the past, present, and by way of my telepathic powers, the future. I’ve been on what you would call a hiatus ( sorry, I mean gone from work ) and I’ve missed a lot of important things that have been going on in this fine city.

February 8th there is some meeting on Alberta street with the prettiest pedophile with a mayoral position speak to community residents about the Last Thursday fair on Alberta. I really hope everyone goes to this, but sharing your true deep feelings I fear will be washed over by your insecurity of rocking the boat so much you may lose that $75.00 income a month from selling your art here on Alberta street. I’m hoping though there will be a few that stand out at this meeting, people who try to make a point, push that “you can’t stop us” idea. Though I must say the waves any of us make will be swallowed by the fat overweight people in power that just want to pocket what they can from a culture ( umm.. that being you artists ) that already suffer from financial woes…. Oh well, there must plenty of beer and weed to help you forget about your failures after the meeting has passed, and I know ( telepathically ) if you have to pay to show on Alberta you’ll all scrounge together a few bucks to break even while people pass your art on the street and tell you things like:

  • Will you be here all night?
  • I just have to find a cash machine.
  • I love it but I just can’t afford it.
  • Let me ask my wife first.

Admitting that the sales record on Alberta ( and the people involved ) is well below par is simply the first step. Feeling your work is worth something is another step. Sticking with it even though you may have to cut down to three beers a night and one pack of Ramen noodles for dinner. Sacrifice for your art, if it is that important. I wish you all luck, and as I pass through this dimension onto another I look forward to astral-projecting (whoops, I mean doing that blue ghost type thing that Yoda did in Star Wars ) to the scene in hopes for some kind of a surprise from some great artist that just says no. That no might turn into another and then another…..Or I guess maybe I’ll happen across first Thursday somewhere else on my way back through town, with all the fire throwers, corner bands, hippies with bad home made necklaces standing alongside 82nd street. That would be nice! Plenty of good Chinese food around that way.

Sincerely,

Your hostess with the mostest,
intergalactic hero of many talents,
and guru of all that is known and known to be,
including the pleasure centers for all carbon based life-forms…

Art Jeanyus

Things Ta Do With Art That Ain’t That Good

Our very own intellectual Mastermind of the Universe, Art Jeanyus, reveals art's biggest ideas to help you become a famous artist.

Our very own intellectual Mastermind of the Universe, Art Jeanyus, reveals art's biggest ideas to help you become a famous artist.

Art Jeanyus here, back again and taking a long deserved break from being a genius lab rat for the less fortunate. Today I want to discuss how you as an art collector can reuse some of those paintings you’ve purchased in the middle of a night while you were blacked out, or perhaps you just felt bad for some dirty kid on Alberta street selling their not so good work for mere pennies. You have to pass that eye sore of unfortunate creativity every time you walk down the hall, and even though you can’t bare to face the picture itself anymore you can’t just toss it in the trash because that would be wasteful. So in this article, I will reveal to you a fun thing to do with those old, worthless, not-so-great works of art that will turn them into something fun, useful, and appealing to anyone who happens by.

  1. Grab some tape, crappy old paintings on various materials, scissors, and a keen sense of your head size.
  2. Lay out the work in a long triangle so that if you fold it in half each side would reach from your shoulders to your lower back and waist.
  3. Keep the work folded in half, and cut a half circle directly out of the middle of the work at the crease. Make sure the hole when opened up is large enough to fit your head through.
  4. Place the work on the floor or table and cut out half circle sleeves so that it resembles a tank top or vest, in it’s own way.
  5. Place the item over you head and WALLA!!!

You’ve just made a not-so-bulletproof vest!!!

See pictures below for reference.

vest

wearingvest

sidevest

Join me next time with more fun things to make with art that just isn’t that good.

Sincerely,

Telepathic genius and intergalactic supermodel

Art Jeanyus

GREAT IDEAS for not so great people!

As an avid believer in spreading intellect throughout this great cosmic (giant blackness with lights every where around you) universe. I wanted to pay a little more attention to the few, well few too many creative persons out there in the fine city of Portland Oregon. As an artist you become faced with many challenges. Originality ( doing something no one else has done ), Creativity ( actually making something appealing to the eye and worth putting up for sale ) and Financial Ability ( supporting your art and artistic needs with the purchase of materials necessary to creativity… uh, nevermind ).

With all this in mind, and with the threat of global destruction at our doorstep, at any second I myself face many challenges, and have been blessed with the brain power of a million alien creatures times two billion Einsteins. So today my goal is to save you the stress ( something that bothers you and doesn’t allow you to focus ) and dismay that comes with being a working artist in Portland, Oregon.

TIP$:

  • Remember to use any object you may find on the street. Portland is big on this and if you paint something slightly mediocre you can sell it at Last Thursday on Alberta for a easy $10.00.
  • Learn to love coffee shops, bars, salons and restaurants that show art. In today’s fast paced ( speedy ) society most people don’t have the time to visit a gallery so they often visit these venues not with the purpose of eating, drinking, getting their hair done, or chatting with friends, but merely to enjoy the artwork and spend their hard earned money that they’ve been saving up for a latte or cold beer on a piece of broken wood with a bright puffy cloud or bloody knife painted on it.
  • Lower your prices. The economy is in a current place of despair with no promise for future growth. As parents and young adults eyeball your works of art on the walls of their favorite eatery or watering hole they will be turned away as they scan your hand written price tag below the painting asking $400.00 dollars from something someone in seventh grade could have painted for a school talent show.
  • Don’t despair! Even when artists in Portland don’t have fame or talent in the least, they still have one another and you should embrace the qualities of your fellow creatives in this city. Teach yourself to fire dance and play the bongo drums, trade homemade bracelets and paintings or drawings for tofu sandwiches and an organic beer. Remember that it’s not the quality of your art work that matters here in Portland it’s the community and loving support of other artists around you that also don’t have very good artwork…

Well, this is Art Jeanyus again with another bounty of knowledge passed down to you in Portland by means of telepathy as I sit here awaiting the signing of a peace treaty with a planet four galaxies away that wants us all to be slaves and play the violin for them every hour of the day.

Ten MORE Things NOT to Do in Portland

First I want to use the big word “Apologize” which means sorry and I say this because I have not been on here much lately. To explain every detail of my time spent else where would no doubt confuse you all and send you into mass hysteria ( Oh shit! ) I mean panic. So in short and with little words I have spent well over a month working in space on a global ( crap! )  Star wars ( shit! ) cool dishes in space that puts out messages with light to protect our planet from intergalactic ( whoops!  other places with little round balls near by like earth. ) warfare. So with all that said we can move on to this weeks”Top Ten Things Not to do In Portland” Alright folks, hippies, vegans, artists and fancy pants political icons (people who common folk look up to that stand for something they agree with.) Now!

What NOT to Do in Portland!

  1. Wear camouflage jeans outside of the woods or from under a bridge!
  2. Have a cell phone plan that is not with Cricket!
  3. Forget to apply for foodstamps!
  4. Purchase art work from Charlie Alan Kraft
  5. Date a stripper!
  6. Have a baby with a stripper!
  7. Tell people you live in Gresham!
  8. Stand on the street corner not asking for change!
  9. Actually come from Oregon.
  10. Pick up your cigarette butts!

Ten Things NOT to Do in Portland

Wow, Well folks, dudes and strippers we had a good run with our commentary on the art scene. I know that first sentence really confused everyone out there, so allow me to spell it out for you… on your level.

Yo! It was rad, dude. We were just rapping about Portland art. Yeah, man, that was super fuckin’ cool. After the riot/ brawl/ war that happened in our office, and with the faculty now questioning where this website is headed, we have all come to conclusion that as professionals… (whoops!) …as people with degrees other then bar hopping we have all decided we need to spread our educated skills into new realms. Realms means places. So as the website expands (shit!) I mean, gets bigger, we will be advising (damn it!) assisting (shit!) I mean holding your hands on the ins and outs, the hip and not hip, the cool and the lame (as you would say) happenings in Portland. Everything from news, weather, clubs, bands, Beer fests (a lot of beer fests) and sights to be seen. Of course, art will always be one of our major focuses at Portlandcityart.com, but there is so much more to discuss (christ!) talk about. So to kick off this new spin on one of the greatest periodicals (fuck!) things with words I have ever worked on, I will be writing my column in more bite-sized chunks. You people love top ten lists, and you shall have them. Enjoy!

THINGS NOT TO DO IN PORTLAND

  1. Keep your cat in the house.
  2. Ride a bike that has more than one gear.
  3. Respect other cultures.
  4. Drink Bud Light (unless you live in Gresham).
  5. Be sober.
  6. Have a fulltime job.
  7. Have sex with a vegan.
  8. Refuse to show your art at a bar or coffee shop (everyone does, you’re not special).
  9. Forget to apply to art school.
  10. Be heterosexual!

   
Sincerely,

Art Jeanyus
the well educated genius of contemporary philosophy and the human condition

Welcome: On Your Level

A few days ago I was asked to be a periodic columnist on a new up and coming website that introspectively relays information about the happenings of art in the city of Portland, Oregon. With respect to the geographical location of these columns and my reader audience, I as a professional writer (though adorned several times over with masters degrees in fields of personal interest, keynote speaker at several hundred amazingly successful seminars, infinite array of magazines and newspapers I work for covering every subject matter known to man) promise to keep my artistic, creative and intellectual Genius under severe restraint so that you may hope to understand.

I will refrain from the use of words such as exceptional, probability or reoccurrence in any of my writings. Most of all I will always keep in mind that Portland is a simple town with simple ideas, and that no one wants to interrupt their perfect flow of mediocrity with anything a tad more smart. Besides, I am well aware that as an artist or just a public shmo you have already spent most of your day drinking cheap beer and smoking weed so making your head hurt with large confusing (whoops, did it right there!) with large hard to get words is simply not very nice. I have even made a list that I will keep in front of me to help me understand your adorable Portland Phonics (whoops!) Portland Lingo. I will focus on sharing with you my immense (my “bad”!) big wisdom on a level that you will comprehend (damn! again!) I mean so you can get it! Let us then start this column off on the right foot. I hope a little explanation (damn!) description (shit!) I mean a little… um… blurb about myself has helped, so now let us talk art.

Portland art is fine, but if you want to be famous (and in this case a famous artist in Portland) you will need my help. Guess what? No I will not mail you an ounce of weed. No! I am not starting a non-profit. What you need are ideas!!! Brilliant ideas!!! You know the things in your head that you have for just a moment but cannot remember what they were after the second drag on your joint or that third beer? Well, I am going to give them to you. A huge list of ideas, a cheat sheet if you will. Something you can look to when those ideas you had are forgotten. Reading my column will bring you happiness, you will have something to create in-between your drum circle, after your food co-op meeting, and right before you spend the five dollars you made washing dishes at the bar for a pack of smokes. Everything you need will be right here. So do not worry, when that flash of genius comes to you and you want to leave the bar or your local community garden to go paint that multi-colored portrait of you as an angst little girl you won’t have to because you can keep doing what you are doing and be rest assured (whoops!) feel O.K. That you can come home, curl up by your electric heater, read my column, and have the kind of ideas that only famous artists would have. Ideas that when they are done properly will make you famous here in Portland, Oregon.

I know, that was a lot to take in, so let us make it simple. O.K. Here it is… Idea number one for artists in Portland to be famous or already famous artists to get even more famous. Paint something on recycled material. OH MY GOD! I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I JUST GAVE THAT AWAY! Yes! Recycled material! Find some wood, paper, a sign, a bed, a bum’s penis, a dead bird, some string, a bottle, an adult diaper, a TV… Anything you can pick up that has room to make something on use it!!! In Portland, that will make you a famous artist!

Regards,
Art Jeanyus
mastermind@portlandcityart.com