Tan the Man’s Biggest Fan Speaks!

Dear Tan,

You may know me because I am one of your biggest fans and I am always writing you letters. Not sure why you have never responded or put one of my letters in a column but that’s o.k. I still think you’re the man. Well it’s me Josh again from Ohio and I have another problem I was hoping I could get your advice on. See there is this girl in my math class that is totally hot and I wanna ask her out but I don’t know what to say. What should I do Tan?

Your biggest fan Tan the Man!!!!

Josh

Oh seriously!

Josh, I’ve gotten many of your letters but none have struck my sagging nut sack with such importance as this one. Sure I could have given you tons of advice on puberty, zits, Conan the Barbarian and the Partridge Family but girls is my specialty young man and even in a whiskey bent coma I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shape your little mind into a chick getting sex fiend like myself. Ohhhhhh Seriously all inappropriate but onto the real work my little bald friend.

First: Make sure that before class you lock yourself in the teachers bathroom with the latest 17 magazine and spank that monkey tell it chokes!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Having clean pipes increasing your understanding of the opposite sex…. Lube up! Rub down! Seriously now!

Second: If after a good game of pocket pool over pictures of Mandy Moore has not changed your attraction for this young lass into total disgust then prep your wind pipes and cleanse that breath with Tan’s own personal Breath freshener cocktail mix. Seriously now read this part over and over again or type it on your Ipod touch for proper mixing. Take one cup of Vodka ( the cheap kind ), one cup of malt liquor ( Colt 45 does it every time ), and one table spoon of orange juice. Pour into a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup and mix with two shots of espresso for 20 seconds. Quick now down that smooth shit and oh seriously you’re wasted!!!!! You also totally smell like booze!!!!

Third: Trust the Tan man chicks will dig step two…. Now you’re ready for the personal engagement of conversation. Walk up to that chick and seriously…. Oh really now grab your balls and sing ” Swing Low Sweet Balls of Mine.”

Josh, I hope my advice has helped you realize your own potential at pleasing the opposite sex. Seriously I know if you follow these simple steps no girl in any Ohio Junior Highschool will make it to college a virgin, oh really did I say that? Go out there and Tan some preteen hides Josh Seriously now!!

Sincerely,

Tan

The Mystery of the Dirty Underwear!

Oh seriously!  Dirty Underwear! I love dirty Underwear! What about dirty Underwood. Oh really now, no not the country singer but the country singee in my pants.. Really now. I was taking my eveing bath. Oh for real now evening bath…Can I laugh out loud! LOL! There we go, seriously I was scrubbing last nights excriment from my underside when I noticed a pair of dirty underwear on my bathroom floor. O.k. the floor of the gas station down the street to the office but still I use that place all the time. What a disgrace! Really now, o.k. I picked them up… I know I know. .Tan, what the hell did you do that for! Seriously though some of my drink had spilled onto them and I wanted to squeeze out what I could.. Oh really now this is nasty I know.. So I squeezed and I giant brown ice cube fell into my glass!!!!!! Really now I smiled in awe. God was looking out for me. He sent a frozen chocalte ice cube down from heaven to adorn my glass of liquor with.. What a guy, or thing or cosmic being, whatever. It was awesome, like when I said my ex wifes name while trying to find my other ex wifes box…. Oh really now speaking of box my ex wife had one but it was never hot… Oh seriously… So back to my chocolate ice cube. It ws delicious!!! Really like a summer treat! So I’m on the look out for the kind being that left those dirty underwear in the bathroom. Anyone? Anyone? Did you know it was a vessel for the lords bidding…? Of course you did1 Seriously chocolate ice cube giver send me wears, more of them my drink is getting warm and the chocolate is melting into a gooshy, mooshy sea of yummy mess. I must keep this Gin cold….

The Peluski Position: Ex-Wives

Seriously now! This is “OH MY LIVER!” My ex wife just called… Taffy Fawn… Seriously I just started writing this and she called…..

Taffy, really I don’t mean to blow the whole Jesus rescued me thing….. Seriously I had to tell her…. She was angry and that’s an understatement I mean she did marry me… After so requesting an immediate divorce…. We have to talk Taffy… I know it’s been some time since our Sandy Blvd. meetings at Voodoo Doughtnuts with all the… Seriously… Hip urban crowd of Portland but she wants more Alimony….. You know my liver can’t take this……. Taffy Will you pray with me!!!???!! Taffy all my love I gave to you. even after those times you couldn”t get my pants off and…Seriously I got off anyway….. Taffy does Jesus have a plan for me too…. Is it redemption? I’ve gone down a deep hole Taffy…and it isn’t my ex wive’s…. It’s a hole of darkness Taffy and I can see my liver asking for Cheetos now…. It’s a mean liver…. All it wants is Cheetos…. That’s mean Taffy… Is my liver Jesus….. Seriously..? Save me Taffy….

The Alberta Street Controversy

Good riddance, and a big thank you to Tan Peluski for letting me write his column. He has been ill, but sends his best. Important things await me this evening. Dinner with Vera Katz followed by a waxing and if we’re lucky a little horseback. Ha, I just realized that later tonight I’m going to be “Running down a dream” literally! Sex on the Titties.

Anyhow, for those of you who are not familiar with my public record, I am Dottie Barksdale, and here is a timeline of events which are all important to note when addressing the controversy surrounding Last Thursday on Alberta Street.

  • 01/01/2010
    I was appointed Director of the grassroots organization
    Alberta Street Residents Against Last Thursday (ASRALT)
    whose mission statement is the same as its’ name.
  • 01/02/2010
    I addressed representatives of ASRALT and announced
    my choice of focus for the organization: parking meters.

  • 01/05/2010
    I caught a lucky break on craigslist.
    A gentleman by the name of Mr. Spice was selling
    a truck full of parking meters at a flat cost of $5000.
    With money from petty cash, I drove to meet
    Mr. Spice and traded the cash for keys to the truck.

  • 01/07/2010
    Me and a bunch of volunteers from ASRALT went around putting
    the parking meters up on Alberta Street. Since we’re not an official organization,
    or representatives of the government, we were able to do so with no signage.
  • 01/07/2010
    I gave out my first parking ticket to a smelly guy playing a guitar.
    I explained to him that if he wanted to park himself or anything else
    on my Alberta Street, he was going to have to keep feeding the nearest meter.
    He acted like this was an outrage, and the crowd started to get behind him,
    but then I pointed out all the change in his guitar case. What a selfish prick.
  • 01/28/2010
    Last Thursday. Most people had accepted the meters by now,
    but there was still a little grumbling about it. Especially in the “arts community”.
    Anyone that found themselves on Alberta Street quickly found out how things worked.
    You either keep moving, or you pay the nearest meter to park. Anybody that didn’t
    pay to park got a ticket. Sure people were pissed off at first, but once they realized that
    the tickets were not real, most were so grateful to have dodged a parking ticket,
    they gladly started feeding the meters. Money was beginning to flow.
  • 01/29/2010
    The next day we unloaded the parking meters.
    I personally counted every nickel: $807,000 and change !!!
    We couriered a check to the Mayor, a donation to the city,
    along with a note about how much we would appreciate
    an end to Last Thursdays on Alberta.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters, give me your ears. Last Thursdays on Alberta Street are over. You’re welcome to show up and keep feeding my meters, but there will be no more public displays of affection. There will be no more public displays of intoxication. There will be no more public displays of people being weird. Nobody likes weird, not even in Portland. So just stop it already. I suggest you move it along to the Up-and-Coming Gallery, where up-and-coming artists can display their work if they are skillful enough to beat Up and Coming owner at Asteroids. That would seem to be a better use of your quarters, but like I said, if you want to give them to me I will offer no complaint. I will give them to the Mayor, he will give them to the city, and the city will give them back to you in the form of police protection making sure that weirdness never shows its face again on Alberta Street. In other words, making it a better place.

Artists, art lovers, and art community supporters (i.e. white people with college degrees and no money) the city is grateful to you for doing your part in chasing off the people who were there before, but it is now time for you to get with the program. You are beginning to be a headache, even to teenagers. You are the broom, and you did a good job sweeping, but now it is time for tax-paying citizens like myself to enjoy the clean, swept floor. So off you go, I hear your services would be appreciated in Gresham, and perhaps further out in the other directions as well. Like my boyhood crush, Tom Petty, would say: “Don’t come around here no more.”

~ Dottie Barksdale

The Peluski Position: Polyamory Dating

Oh seriously another Peluski position! This is as awesome as my ex wife actualy removing here dentures before giving me a blow job, oh seriously she’s never doen that but an old man can dream and seriously I have. We all Tan here ” Man About Town has been around town and I can’t walk well so let’s put the daisies aside cause this isn’t going to be a Johnny Cash piece and picking daises? I’ve doen that beofre I just can’t tell you from waht ex wive’s vagina they came from. See won’t don’t slander here at Portlandcity art. com we simply full fill dreams, dreams that only old men like me left without the possibility of drinking Whiskey again ( Any word on that pill yet!) So let’s get to todays topic………. It’s something I know lot’s about…. Yeah

Polyamory Dating!!!!!!

Seriously I love this…………… Have you tried it? You should… I like to get wet, watch my partner get wetter then get someone else wet when she’s not around…. Wow didn’t some place tunr to salt in the bible because of this… Simply proof God was a jealous bastard. He must have been ” Like hey, stop that! and no one listened cause well he couldn’t really speak excpet through that bush caught on fire when that guy moses was lighten up some weed or something. Maybe he just need soem romanctic candle light and that sparked God’s attenttion so God said ” Fuck I gotta say soemthing… Well he did say soemthign to all those hot sweaty, sexy, uninhibited people of Sodom and Gamorah. Seriously! Poor folk they were, drinking and blowing loads all overdoesn’t Ron jeremy run a place like that here in Portland? I heard one of the floors is a ll covered in plastic, boy would I need that especially after my dialyisis. Well why say to one pait of boobbies when you can have a dozen and I’m not sying you’d wanna stick soemthing up my rear end but in the heat of the momentI can’t imagine complaining especially while I’m watching soem hot young swinger chick make out with like 15 guys!!!!!!!! So pornos oare out Polyamory is in!!!! Go multiple partners all at once it’s like the dance scene in the matrix…

The Gruesome Artwork of Cathie Joy Young!

Man About Town, Tan Peluskie here. Seriously sobriety is hurtign me more and more each day. My liver screams into my gentiles and then I was taken from my paint with a moderate sigh of relief. Not relief from pain though as I  immediately came across some images that not only caused me pain, oh seriously and they were not of my ex wife but one does look like one of them after a night of drinking.

Folks I’m a serious the colors, the shapes, they put me in disaray. I’ve been confused and sickened for days. Where is my copy of Catcher in the Rye I feel the assasination of my liver coming on. These images have burned there uninteresting for and use of creativity into my eye sockets, no the backs of my eye sockets, seriosuly no my liver can see them. I thought at first is this some government conspiracy? Did the government secretly plant a CIA agaent into portland that is sending us messages of rebelious distaste and desire for that which is not good at all….. Oh my god, it’s true! Seriously I am still hurting, Oh my Hemroid just ruptured or was it my spleen, no I cannot sit down my hemroids are fine. Folks what are we to do. In this case much like any case having to do with my ex wives I must intertwine my article with another and end this with yet another Top Ten Things not do in Portland

  1. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  2. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  3. purchase Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  4. Ever ever think of purchasing Cathie Joy Youngs artwork
  5. Ever ever think of telling someone else to purchase Cathie Joy youngs artwork
  6. Walk buy or near the Guardino Gallery until February 23rd. Why you ask? Seriously!
  7. Stay away from the Guardino Gallery people Cathie Joy Young has painting there
  8. No don not go to the Guardino Gallery for Cathie’s show even if there is free booze
  9. Drink free booze somewhere far awat from a Cathie Joy Young painting
  10. Speak of Cathie Joy Youngs paintings…

Seriously folks they will burn hole into the deepest caverns of your rectum and make you feel less of a painter after you’ve recovered fro mthe blinding atrocity of their mirad existance……

You welcome for being your savior, sincerely

Man About Town,
Tan Peluski

Sobering Thoughts

Wow, folks. The Man About Town got hit hard this morning. Got a phone call from the doctor. Seems old Tanus Peluski here is exactly one shot of whiskey short of a brain hemorrhage. “The next drop will kill you instantly,” is the way he put it. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but whiskey is the blood of Christ in my book. I don’t even have a book. Been doing this drunken journalism thing for a long, long time. Not a thing to show for it. Not even a computer to type this on. I’m writing it down on a sheet of photocopy paper that I stole from Kinko’s, sorry, FedEx Office. Paper that is still slightly damp from my tears and a brief moment of phlegm.

She was 74, had the heart of a gorilla, and a shrill laugh like a harpy. That was my first ex-wife, and I was 30 years her junior. Made a man out of me, that is, made me pay for everything without promise of sex. My first non-whore. I learned a few things the hard way, folks. Being married to her was a lot like having a pair of barely-working kidneys. Every time it hurts when I pee, I think of her. In other words, every time I pee. In addition to unexplained rashes, doctor assisted heart attacks, and brown teeth, she also introduced me to whiskey. Old Crow was her brand. Still, though, sitting here having sober thoughts, I realize that it was not her fault I became a drunk. It was whoever invented whiskey’s fault.

Then again, my Doctor has been wrong before. He said I’d never have another erection once, and wallah! Viagra! Now I just need to wait for the Viagra of drinking problems. Here’s what apparently qualifies as quality health care these days for those of us without considerate employers.

Me: Hey, Doc, here’s my wallet. Please take everything I have, and bill me for more in a few weeks.

Doc: Drop the trousers and show me your ass.

Me: Seriously?

Doc: Don’t worry, I’m wearing a glove.

Me: Mother of Mary, I think you put it in too far!

Doc: Stop moving around!

Me: This is rape, you know, rape! Won’t you at least hold me?

Doc: Whoomp, there it is!

Me: I can taste your hand on my tongue.

Doc: Peluski, you can never drink whiskey again.

Me: Say it ain’t so, doc!

Doc: The next drop will kill you instantly!

Me: Does your finger really need to still be up my ass for this conversation?

Please, anyone that is out there listening. Tan Peluski can not go on without whiskey. Might as well just give up right now! But, see, the Man About Town is calling out for a miracle. Please, someone, anyone out there. If you are smart and good with chemicals, please dear god invent a pill that will let me drink whiskey again! I’m begging you, I swear on everything I hold dear and sacred that if I could just drink whiskey again I will change my ways as a person. I will stop marrying and divorcing twice a year, I will settle down, have some kids, maybe finish that book I never have time to write. Tell the whole world what’s going on, break it down for them. Oh, sweet Jesus, I swear it, I’ll run for Portland Mayor if you don’t give me back my whiskey! I’ll make life miserable for everyone! Give me whiskey, and I will leave the people out of it. Tan the Tomorrow Man Peluski for Mayor of Portland. You don’t want that, but I’m here to give it to you.

You can avoid all of this by inventing a blue (or other colored) pill that allows me to drink whiskey without meeting my own death. Otherwise: Vote for Tan. This is not a threat, this is a negotiation. You do not want any more of this sober Tan Peluski thing. Just trust me, you like me better as a drunken failure, help me be that again. I don’t want to have to win the mayorial race against Sam Adams next year. That will be a lot of work. Actually, it probably wouldn’t be that much work. Whiskey. Whiskey. Give me my whiskey. Or I will give you my best. Thank you, and God Bless.

Fieden and that Fennedy guy that retired……

Fieden & Fennedy!!!! Oh seriously I’m having a pancretic reaction……….  Someone call a nurse!!! Really now Andy Warhol died a long time ago right? Seriously so did Steve Rubell…. Right? No They live on in Dan wieden’s dreams with Califunya!!!! Wow! It should’ve been named Califuckya! I would watch it then!!!!!!! Really I would…. It’d be nice! A great american romaniticism about fucking in the 21st century…. Hey my ex wife and I did that for  like 45 seconds…….. It was well, not romantic and no one has seen the videos but for a small price I’ll send them to ya…..lol….. Seriously The WW ( Wilamette Week) just printed an article that well, seriously either made this ad firm look cool or full of a bunch of waisted money they could give to me… Oh! seriously!!! Come on Wieden and Kennedy I know you bought a piece of work from Chris Haberman….. Either you like getting your buttox licked or you just enjoy bad paintings on wood overlooked by 40 bottles either full of piss or beer!!!! Now that’s art!!!!Seriously!!!! It reminds me of your new endeavor, the radio/talent show/my dog just crapped on the floor broadcast…. Were you really going for that? Seriously my ex wife craps like my dog and I could have done your whole show for a six pack and some pain meds…… Oh really now!!!!!! This idea sucks…… Wish I had half a mill to give lame ass graduate creative gurus to stand a round and poop in a toilet all day….. Guess what!!!! They’d probebly find a way to deficate an image of my ex wife!!!! Seriously now that’s art!!!! Or maybe a Possum.!!!! If you want real talent how about checking out the streets for some amazing artists and creative types you can’t afford!!! Oh really now you can’t afford them that’s why……. Seriously I can’t wait to see your bad Partidge Familly sitcom fall into my ex wives crotch!!!!! seriously it’s huge…. Sorry you’re so good you lost those great big accounts… Seriously Dan wieden keep it up… Really now Califagaya… Hey what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Califunya? Falifagya!!!!!! lol!!!!! Seriously not really but that was funny……

Love ya!!!,

Tan…

MY THANKSGIVING PAINTING!

Folks! Ladies! Soon to be Ex-Wives!!! Oh! Seriously now I AM SO EXCITED! Not only because I am half way into a liter of vodka but because I have been working very hard on my new painting for the holidays…. Seriously from the most recent article here on the website you know I was recently attacked by cops. The incident along with earphones fro mthe porn shop melting to my head gave me some sort of seriously,? revalation….. Seriously what ever you call it. So I was dreaming and this painting popped in my head of myself meeting the indians as a pilgrim…. So as a lay out though the painting is not finished, seriously this is what happens…. I am standing in peril, meeting chief ” Too Many Beers “! He comes with is soon ” Drinks too much ” and his other ” Blows a lot”. They are followed in the sky by Conan the barbarian the most Native of them all…. The wind blows and I can feel the possum by my side, “Your animal spirit is strong with you.” the chief says. I say hey “My ex wife was strong with me.” “How!” his son blows a lot says. “How? How what? Seriously never ask me that question again. Really now my ex wife and just did it you don’t want details…..” I replied. His son then said ” How, Tan!”…”Seriously.” I said. So I told them I was hungry and I had come from a place that did not allow me to pretend god existed so I swam here with my posssum and now I am starving….. They then gave me a turkey and some corn (I haven’t colored that in yet!). I thanked them for their generosity and handed them some stuff from Europe… As a white man I felt obligated to share on this day at least one thing that would secure my place in this new world but seriously I gave ’em two!!!!!!! So I hand them a blanket with small pox and a bottle of the devil’s water and guess what!!! Like years later they are almost all dead but there are a few that start this thing called casinos on the land my government stole from them but they happened to whine their way into keeping…. Seriously the best dream and what do you get when you cross a fat guy with Happy Thanks Giving? Fappy Fanks Fiving!!!