Fraternity Guidance Counselor Spotlight
Like a lot of Americans, I went through a rough time when the recession hit four years ago. At that particular time in my life, I was enjoying the fruits of my Ivy League education and my well-connected family members by working on Wall Street as a successful financial analyst, but then tragedy struck. I lost my job during the banking crisis, and after that I was forced to make some pretty tough choices. First I had to choose between maid service and my Rolex collection, but it only got worse from there. Before long I had to sell three of my four Mercedes in order to keep my beloved vacation home, Chateau Debauchery, from being repossessed. Eventually I was even forced to part with the Chateau just to keep the Italian leather loafers on my feet, so believe me when I say, “I know hardship.”
It was then that I took to praying, and ultimately I discovered that Jesus Christ is indeed my personal savior, and he sent me on a mission to the front lines of the American Education System. Our Lord, Jesus Christ, spoke to me and he said, “Bradley, I am sending you on a mission to help the young people who are lost in the midst of recession. I’m sending you to help all the God-fearing fraternity brothers of American Universities. You will give them guidance in this financially perilous world and it shall be your mission to make sure that young, white, Protestant men retain their rightful place as the financial, political, and moral leadership of America.”
As anyone who has had an intimate, career-focused conversation with our Lord and Savior knows, you simply can’t argue with JC! When JC tells you to put down the antique revolver aimed at your temple, the one that you bought in the middle of a 10K coke and hooker binge in 2000, and devote your life to a new enterprise in his name, believe me, you do what the man upstairs tells you. You put that revolver back in its velvet case, and you hock that revolver at the nearest pawn shop! Then you use that money to turn your life around, which is how I went from being Bradley Cunningham: washed up financial analyst to being Bradley Cunningham: Fraternity Guidance Counselor.
I feel that I am uniquely qualified to guide the fraternity brothers of America because believe it or not, I myself was in a fraternity, and I know the unique challenges that fraternity brothers of today face. Challenges like alcohol induced brain damage, drug induced attention deficit disorder, police records, venereal disease, an aversion to hard work, and complete lack of ethics. As we all know, previous to the financial crisis in America many of these traits were a boon, but I am here to tell you that this is no longer the case. Gone are the days when a good family name and an Ivy League diploma were the keys to untold financial wealth and security. These days, a young fraternity brother really has to think hard about his options and what he has to offer to any given career path.
With that in mind, I’d like to give a brief overview on sales, one of the hottest careers today for young men with fraternal ties. Sales is the fastest growing career choice for any young man who is looking for a quick and easy way to make money. I know the title doesn’t sound glamorous, and the base pay typically stinks, but consider the following list of perks:
- Sales people don’t need any skills or intelligence. Quite the opposite actually. Studies have consistently shown that the only qualities a person needs to succeed in the field of sales are an exaggerated sense of self-worth, and the ability to accurately assess the wealth and gullibility of a potential customer at a glance. Now, I don’t know about you but to me that description has fraternity brotherhood written all over it!
- Sales is a universal field. Take a look around you, young man. Everything from the chair your trustfunded butt is sitting on to the laptop your daddy bought you to do your “homework” on, all of those things were sold by a salesman, and chances are pretty darned good that your friend the salesman made a sweet commission off the sale of everything around you, enough of a commission to keep that sales man in sharp suits and private flying lessons, that’s for sure!
- A good salesman never has to worry about finding work, because work finds him. Ever since Eve sold mankind’s innocence for an apple, people have been in the business of selling, and if you think about it sales is just about the only career that is never going to become obsolete because as long as there is a form of currency and goods to sell, the world will always need salesmen. And speaking of selling innocence for apples, there just about isn’t anything a salesman can’t barter for, if you know what I’m saying!
If you’d like to learn more about the exciting field of sales, please buy my eBook entitled, Selling The Dream: How To Kick Start Your Career in Sales. It’s chock-a-block full of tips from seasoned sales pros that cover topics such as, “How to dress like you’re important,” and “Keeping up appearances by talking down to subordinates.” Believe me when I say that my eBook is the first, and frankly, the most crucial step to preparing yourself for a lifetime of financial security.*
*results may vary.